Being signed off work with stress

[4StoneToLose]

I work for the civil service 4 days a week.

Currently feeling very overwhelmed with work and finding it very hard to cope.

Having a lot of issues at home with my four year old son who we’re battling trying to get an EHCP for and having to fight the local authority every step of the way to get him support.

My son is non verbal and often extremely hard work and we have very little support outside of the two of us. He goes to a nursery who have been supportive but reduced his hours a little due to staffing issues and ratios.

My husband works long hours in the office and a lot of the grunt work falls to me as I work from home 2 days a week.

He has so many appointments and meetings and calls, that I feel like I’m chasing my tail and constantly having to work in the evening to catch up.

I can’t keep up at work and I’ve dropped the ball on a couple of big projects recently and it’s started to be noticed.

I don’t know what to do. We can’t afford for me to lose my job but I honestly feel like I might crack up soon. It’s all too much.

Has anyone had any experience of being signed off with stress?

I've just had a few weeks off and was fortunate to feel up to going back. The rest was needed. You won't lose your job for being off. You need to look after yourself. I realised that my work got done without me and I've been able to work on my boundaries and resist pressure since going back. It would probably do you good to step back for a short time.

I once ended up signed off for a few months.
DH had already been in and out of hospital for several months, our toddler was difficult (later diagnosed ASD) and then DH was really poorly and was in ICU for a while. I just broke.
The dr signed me off, I started on antidepressants, things felt more manageable, DH improved and I went back to work a lot better.
Take the time you need. I hope things improve for you

Does it go against you on your record? I’m so worried about everyone knowing and judging me.

Thank you both for your kind messages - I’m sat here in tears. Really not coping at the moment

I hope things improve for you op. Reach out to your gp.

I had no issue getting signed off with stress and wasn't the least bit worried in terms of employment (although I never went back there due to the long term outlook) however I was incredibly shocked and disappointed when I had to declare it recently as part of my life insurance policy....

This is the sort of thing that really worries me.

Will I have to declare it on future job applications too?

Life feels very precarious lately and we’re living month to month with not much in savings so doing ANYTHING to jeopardise this scares the hell out of me.

Also worried that if I use this now it leaves me with no where to go and I’m so worried we won’t be able to get my son into a school at all if the local authority don’t agree to a specialist placement. There’s simply no way he’ll cope at mainstream and the appeal/tribunal process is likely to be even more stressful ☹️

Have you tried contacting the employee assistance programme? You can speak to someone almost immediately just for a listening ear and you can also access counselling (and much quicker than the NHS).

Have you spoken to your line manager about feeling overwhelmed and your caring responsibilities? Dropping the ball on things can definitely be a sign that you’re stressed and at risk of burnout - so hopefully you can talk to your manager about things that might make life more workable for you. I think you definitely need to talk to them so you be assured you’re not going to lose your job over this.There’s a long road from dropping balls to losing your job and first step would/should be how to help and support you.

Im also CS and have taken a couple of periods of sick leave due to anxiety/burnout. Some time off definitely helped me regroup (for me it was also together with medication and counselling) and release me from the gripping 100% panic feeling all day everyday! By the time I got to needing to be signed off I literally felt like I was wading through treacle with even the easiest tasks. My boss was fine about it. I spoke to HR too and they were really helpful. There should be a conversation when you get back about how to support you - possibly phased return.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate so take care of yourself - it’s not a failing to take sick leave for stress and I think the Departments I’ve worked in have generally all been pretty good about mental health and well-being.

I guess it depends on the workplace culture at your job - most (ex) colleagues I know who were signed off with stress / anxiety / depression at some point were ultimately managed out / made redundant at the first opportunity

I'm generally a really strong person mentally but I felt close to asking to be signed off a couple weeks ago - I decided not to because at the end of the day having a few weeks off work wasn't going to change the trigger for my stress (single parent of young children) and I would have been too worried about my job to truly de stress (I'm in a vulnerable position as the sole earner anyway)

I’ve been signed off from work before for 2 weeks. It was like a reset button. It doesn’t go against you at all. MH within the work place is a big thing and as previously suggested you can contact your employee assistant program.
Just phone in sick tomorrow and get a GP appointment to get signed off.

The cause of your sick leave will be on your employment record (just like if it was a respiratory infection or musculoskeletal issue). But only HR and your line manager (and probably counter signing manager) would know. The wider team wouldn’t be informed or know.

HR monitor sickness absence records but it wouldn’t necessarily go against you / they might suggest you talk to occupational health (I did and it was a helpful and supportive conversation).

I think it’s a good point about workplace culture but I think the civil service culture is generally supportive. Different line managers may be better or worse of course

On leave for half term at the moment (as have an older child at school) and I still can’t stop feeling sick about the thought of work again next week. And how worried I am about fucking something up. I deal with high profile projects that often go to high levels and I’ve realised I’ve missed something on one of them which I’ll have to phone my boss about tomorrow before someone else realises.

We also had an unproductive meeting with the local authority last week which I also can’t stop thinking about and I’ve been really low about. They said in their view our non-verbal, ASD 4 year old who has no fear or understanding of safety issues, and no consideration/understanding of other children should be going to mainstream. We’re not even 100% sure he knows his name.

I’m very low but trying to be cheerful for my older child.

I would really advise you speak to your manager and be open about the stress you’re under and your concerns. You need to decide what’s the best for you and your health. Will a little time out of work help do you think? Or can your manager help reduce some work for a period of time instead? What you don’t want to get to is complete burnout.
you’ll likely know in CS there are absence trigger points which trigger a formal meeting that your manager has to hold- but I think if you are honest about what’s going on and looking at a way to help get you to a better place (and you don’t have a bad current sick record) then your manager has discretion whether to issue a warning and I would really hope they use it.
Do use the EAP if you need to talk to anyone confidentially and ask your manager to be referred to occ health - would be useful for them to be able to advise your manager on how they can support you.

CS here too, I was in a bad way with burnout last year (and menopause symptoms too as it turned out) Ring your Employee Assistance provider, ours is PAM Assist, they were helpful in listening and also referred me for CBT with a counsellor without the long wait. Also, have a look at charity for civil servants, I found the free access to their Thrive app was useful to note how I was feeling day to day.
It's really hard to see the wood for the trees when you feel so overwhelmed, I got to a stage where I knew if I didn't do something, I was really going to unravel.
CS won't be wanting to let you go, I got so much support, just reach out xx

I would caution a little here.

you are really at the start of the ehcp process the we could easily go on for another 3 years dependent on the child.

a longer term plan might be needed so you can keep going for a significant length of time.

My child is now ten but the 5 till 8 years old ehcp was a nightmare

Oh and by ‘on your workplace record’, I think if you went for another job outside the CS. HR is only able to basically confirm you worked there and the dates if they were approached for references. So they wouldn’t divulge it to a prospective employer.

If you went for a job within the CS even if you disclosed you’d had time off for anxiety/depression it’s unlikely to count against you - might suggest you talk to OH before starting the job but it’s not a deal breaker.

😭 We’re currently waiting for a panel date so don’t know if they’ll agree to issue.

We have a lot of evidence so I cant see how they can refuse but judging by what’s happening to so many others I know - who knows.

My son is currently doing a placement at the nursery setting of a specialist school and they say that it’s the right place for him.

But the Ed Pysch said she thinks he should go to mainstream 😩 We’re just non-plussed by her. I know that they’re trying to reduce EHCPs and the amount of children in specialist schools but how can she let down a child who needs support.

The SENCO at my older child’s school said in not so many words, don’t send him here, we won’t cope, when I spoke to him the other day.

We’ll appeal and I’m confident we’d win at tribunal with the evidence we have but in the meantime he’ll probably miss out on a school place

Pam assist does a lot of civil service, for EAP contact them.
Ask for an Oh referral as this will get you and your manager some advice.
It sounds like this is personal impacting on work.
Practical things you can do, as said SEN takes a lot of work and the system is designed to fail you and your child. No one will do anything in advance...so plough ahead with the EHCP prepare to be turned down and appeal.
Apply for DLA if you haven't already. you don't need a diagnosis but gather all the evidence you can, referrals, reports, the EHCp info, LIFT, Ed psych etc from the school.
Don't worry about record, if it went against us there would be no one left at work, sadly we all have stress and sometimes it is too much. If you work at a place like the op who claimed they get rid of staff it's probably a lucky escape.

Thank you we’ve applied for DLA and waiting to hear.

Everything feels like a mountain to climb and I’m falling down a hole constantly.

I’m already dreading dealing with school holidays anyway as he won’t be able to go to holiday club as they won’t be able to deal with him or change nappies etc. I’ll probably have to quit my job then anyway as no holiday clubs exist for SEN children.

Im so tired but somehow have to keep fighting. I’m still in shock that an Ed Psych would say a non verbal, not potty trained child should go to mainstream. When questioned she said “well the teacher can change his nappy” 🤯🤯🤯

This isn’t what I thought my life would be like.

I need to sleep but can’t for all the thoughts whirring around 😭

I used to be really good at my job I promise.

I now feel like I’m failing in all areas. Work, parenting, being a decent partner or friend.

I really feel for you.

Time off is very unlikely to impact your future prospects. If you need some time I think you should take it. Talk to your manager as soon as you can. Generally people are desperate for good performers and will want to help you stay!

I have no experience of SEN, but I wonder if there are any support groups that you could contact for advice but also so you don’t feel so alone in navigating all of this?

Is there anything your DH can do to help lift some of the day to day burden? Just because you work from home, this shouldn’t really all be falling on you.

Thanks for taking the time to post, that’s so nice of you.

I’ve joined some support groups, they definitely are helpful but sometimes seeing how many others are drowning in the quagmire doesn’t always help.

I do think my husband should do more but it’s tricky as he has a long-ish commute and has to be in the office everyday. And he has to take our older child to breakfast club and pick her up from after school club (yet another thing to feel guilty about that she has to go to so much wraparound as I can’t ever take her to school because of work and our younger child).

My work are more understanding than his but we’ve ended up in a situation where I’m nearly broken.

I think I really do have to speak to my manager as I’m honestly close to a crack up and I’m definitely starting to drop balls at work

I could have written this when my DS was the same age!
If I was you, yes I'd get signed off for stress. If you get DLA, you should be able to claim for carers too. With those two, you might be able to afford to drop your hours dramatically.
Only if you've been in this position, do you realise the strain it puts on you. Those early years of hearing these things about your little child, appointments, applications and panels etc are so hard 💐

I've been signed off many times with stress/depression, actually only been back at work 4 weeks after 4 months off this year due to breakdown and lots of family issues. Work should be supportive and would recommend talking to GP. I've only worked for civil service once a long time ago but I'm sure they have occupational health who might be able to offer some support, being off with stress is nothing to be ashamed off. I've found my colleagues to be really supportive when I returned to work.

The EHCP process is tough and sorry to say that once you get the EHCP it's still difficult. My son was diagnosed with ASD age 5, EHCP issued in reception. Realise some children find the right school first time however mine moved to new school for Y1 and Y2, moved again to special primary Y3-6. Started special high school and moved part way through Y7 and again in Y9.

He's nearly 18 now but I'm still fighting his corner, he's done amazingly well at main stream college studying music and turned in to a lovely young man. It's hard to remember him kicking, screaming, spitting, fighting etc.

I have done most of the fighing schools and LA as my husband works long hours, it's tough and you need to take time for you.

If you were my direct report I would definitely be supportive of your need for some time off. Don't be afraid to speak to your GP and follow their advice. Good luck with everything