Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

I agree with this. Is there anything you can change long term? Being off work for a while and not changing anything won't help as you'll just go back to the same thing.

Most families with disabled kids need the money. We needed it too but you are talking of going on sick leave because you cannot cope. If you don't make changes, what is the long term plan? a succession of sick notes? Not going to work. I am not talking from hearsay. This shitty situation is my life. You won't be able to carry on like that and and figured that too. Something gotta give long term. A sick note is a very short term breathing space but won't solve the challenges you will face permanently. It sucks but it is what it is.

Speak to your GP. I have had periods off for my mental illness. I am bipolar and to avoid potential discrimination they never put bipolar on the sick note. It always stress, anxiety etc. they ask if I have a preference

Just a word of caution my mental health takes a dramatic drop off a cliff whenever I have to take time off work. Whilst full time work is a stress I can't manage working is also beneficial. When I last had time off I had 3 4 week sick/fit notes. I was in hospital for the first 4 weeks but then did a phased return over 2 months. I probably should have had a couple of weeks at home before starting back but the 2-3 days a week during the fit note stage were more beneficial than previous times off sick when I had 4 months completely off and then went back full time. I found I couldn't work more than 2 days in a row so when the sick/fit notes finished I went back 4 days a week with Wednesdays off

I'm sorry but I think you need to switch to thinking about how you can manage the stresses in your life long term rather than lying about it to your work.

Only you can change some of these things - the unwell parent will have to take hospital transport or a taxi.

The tribunal will happen as it does, you cannot change the outcome.

You need to seek help from your employers - they will have programmes to help.

I'm sounding unsympathetic because what you're describing sounds like most people's lives at time - and we can't all run away from it and curl into a ball.

You have to push through, manage your sleep, seek help where you can.

Fuck me, take the time off AND make changes - people are right that something needs to change, but why can't she take a couple of months off sick to out things in place?

OP - what can be changed in time off? Practically speaking - older child can have more quality time with you and hopefully improve the acting out.

Parent might be unwell, but they may need to start using hospital transport for appointments for the longer term as you can't do it all.

Younger child gets started in any school - even with the tribunal coming up, you can work with whatever school they go to initially.

You get some sleep. Sleep is essential for physical and mental health.

Get signed off, work is off your mind, you can concentrate on other things that need fixing.

You need some time off and need to be honest about why.

This is what annual leave or flexible working requests are for.

A 4-day week managerial role in the civil service doesn’t exactly scream “highly stressful job”.

Your stress is coming from your personal life - I feel you need to deal with that rather than lie about an illness.

In every industry people who can’t cope with the demands of life and work are managed into a role they can cope with. There’s a good reason for this and it doesn’t only happen in the civil service.

I agree with previous posters about long term changes.

Realistically it's unusual for both parents of kids with ehcps to work full time,. Especially in busy roles. It unfortunately just is.

Kids often need you around and need help regulating/managing especially after dealing with school which is often a tricky environment for them.

Its crap. Having a kid affects your life in a. Huge way and having a kid with additional needs even more so. Something has to give. (eyes lack of pension due to part time working and reduced salary...)

This may seem harsh, but if you lie about the reason for taking paid leave you are making it difficult for others who genuinely have the problems you are claiming to have. Wouldn't lying just mean that discrimination against those who take time off for stress will shift to those with thyroid problems or whatever is used as a cover story?

I've worked in an environment (public sector but not CS) where people routinely went on sick leave for stress (often a reaction against being asked to do a part of their job they didn't like doing) and it was extremely stressful for the people who had to pick up their work on top of our own. It was the same people over and over again, so of course HR knew what was happening, whether they claimed it was a flare-up of an stress-related illness or owned the real reason. It drove me out in the end. I had problems of my own, and there was rarely a time when I wasn't doing my own job and someone else's whilst coping with life in my own time.

Who will do the work for which you are being paid if you fake an illness to take time off? Have you thought about the stress you are passing to them, and do you care?

If your problems are temporary, then in an ideal world we should all be able to take a limited amount of time off to deal with them, and you might be able to negotiate something with HR or your manager, but if they are ongoing you should really look for a less stressful role, ideally with more flexibility. Staying, taking the salary of a manager but not managing, and passing the responsibility to others who may well have problems in their own lives will cause resentment, whether you are honest about it or not.

I agree that a discussion with your manager is the best way forward, or speak to HR if that would be difficult. Is there a task that could be dropped for a while that would allow someone to get recognised experience that would help their career, or could you drop your hours on a temporary basis? Maybe go to 2 days a week with a renewable end date? An end date is necessary, even if you have the right to keep pushing it back, in case the hours you drop are absorbed into other roles and you can't get them back when you want them. I would get the right to return to 80% in writing, preferably with the help of the union.

Also, have you thought about school holidays child are and wrap around child care? There is usually next to nothing for children with complex needs. How do you plan to manage long days when he is only in school from 3-9 and the school holidays?

she isn’t lying ….she’s stressed….she gets full sick pay for 6 months so fine to request a fit note for stress….take a few months off OP ….ignore these type of posts

I’m a manager in the civil service and it is extremely difficult to sack someone. Those who get dismissed there is good reason. People sometimes go off with stress to avoid being managed for poor performance and obviously that can only work for so long. People who go off with acute stress or genuine mental health issues there is absolutely no reason it would jeopardise your job. However, as others say, it sounds like you need to use the time to put a longer term plan in place for how to manage.

She’s stressed but she doesn’t want to say she’s stressed! So she wants to lie!

Moving house is stressful, raising children is stressful, work is stressful. We can’t just “take a few months off” until everything’s nice and easy.

The obvious one is that you've injured your back.

However, I don't feel you should lie.

Do you have a child with SEN?

Do you have any idea how stressful that is. That he has no school place in September except a mainstream that he won’t be able to cope with and will likely put him on a very reduced timetable?

That I have to fight the local authority for what he is rightfully entitled to

That even getting his EHCP was like a full time job in itself.

God I wouldn’t lie, you’d have to lie to your doctor and also work for months. I’m struggling to see what other reason you could have months off if it wasn’t stress
or a serious disease/illness. I don’t think you want to be lying about serious conditions. If go off sick your manger will want to contact you to keep in touch. They won’t just leave you alone for however long your off. I was off with pregnancy sickness and my line manager called nearly every week for a check in and to keep me informed.

Even if you get signed off to deal with your son then it would still be classes as stress surely?

Yes we have arranged a specialist nanny for 3 days per week of the school holidays which is costing a fortune. While my older one goes to holiday club.

We get DLA but it won’t cover this.

I have also changed my hours from September to working school hours so will be doing 5 days per week as he won’t be able to attend after school club like my older one does.

Work have very kindly agreed this so they do already know something of my struggles.

It should feel helpful to have the specialist Nanny as she will be something of support to you I hope.

People who go off with acute stress or genuine mental health issues there is absolutely no reason it would jeopardise your job.

Yes I’d agree with that, plenty of people in civil service roles I’ve worked in have gone off on sick leave due to stress for long periods at a time, more than once. And some of them shortly after they’ve returned have been successful in applying for promotions or they’ve just stayed on or chosen to leave at some point. Never seen anyone managed out for that.

And it is famously tough to get rid of people in the civil service so if these were managed out I think there were wider issues or they were very obviously taking advantage of long term sick leave eg, going off sick every time they were asked to do something they didn’t like.

my GP usually asks what I want putting on my fit note…..I had anxiety put on instead of stress….same difference 🤷‍♀️….. and depending on your sick policy you can take a couple of months of if you choose…sometimes life gets too hard and it impacts on your mental health

I'd go to your GP, tell them everything you've said here and see what they say. I'd think they'd possibly sign you off with exhaustion.

Regardless of the reasons, you are stressed and tired because of your circumstances. Clearly you need to think longer term about how to manage it, but for now, try to get a break from work so you can 're-set'.

And no, they shouldn't be ringing you or bothering you. I work in local govt and they're generally very supportive of people needing to take sick leave, whether the cause is work related or not! If it becomes evident someone is taking the piss that's another matter, but your reasons are valid!

I actually really love my job, it’s important for me and my mental health and I really like my colleagues.

I don’t want to leave. But I just can’t do everything right now

I can’t believe there’s people telling me I need to leave my job.

As if defaulting on the mortgage would make my stress any easier to manage!

I don’t know how these people manage to live and pay the bills then.

I wish I could reduce hours further but we have a fairly hefty mortgage in the south east and need to work