Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

I have had time off twice. The first time it was 4 months unpaid, with 2 weeks part time as I worked back up to full time hours. The second time I was only entitled to 1 months paid leave and a 2nd month unpaid. I had 3 months off in the end and the company agreed to pay for all 3 months but I didn't know this until the second month had started and I was fully prepared to have it unpaid. I had 1 month off completely and a two months on reduced hours. On my first day back on the office the CSO sat me down and said my health was much more important than work and to not rush coming back to work as they would rather me to be back later and well than rushing back and still struggling.

They have done similar with two colleagues who have had parent bereavement and another who was ruptured their Achilles. We are humans not robots. When you're ability to cope with the day is all used up trying to get out of bed and dressed it's in no ones best interest for you to be at work.

Sorry you’re having a hard time. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to take time off in these circumstances - you are stressed and unfit for work - but I don’t think you’ve done yourself any favours with the post by suggesting you want to lie about the cause of your illness. I think some of the replies you’ve had are rather brutal but I think you’ve got people’s backs up with this suggestion.

I also think it’s fair for posters to ask you whether a period of sick leave is going to be the magic bullet to your challenges, which sound like they will endure beyond the short term. But I think that it is a bit unfair to suggest that time away from the workplace to allow you to develop coping mechanisms and to implement practical steps to manage the stressors in your life is taking the mick. Clearly you can’t be on sick leave indefinitely and you will need to develop strategies to find your way through the future but you will likely find a short break from work enormously helpful in allowing you to do that.

I think you need a conversation with your GP and employer about the support that’s available so you can put in place sustainable plans to enable you to continue in the workplace. I don’t think it’s unfair for posters to suggest that might mean making difficult choices around how much you can work with your children’s care needs, but if you need a break to suss all that out you should take one.

Best wishes for the future.

I have worked for the CS for about 5 years and have time off with stress/anxiety/depression. All of which I now know were connected to a physical illness I am finally receiving treatment for. I understand your concerns about stigma, but you are clearly unwell and need time to manage your personal issues and look after your mental health.
Have you contact PAM assist? They should be able to provide support and even counselling as you can self refer. You could also find out if you can report sick, keeping the reasons confidential from anyone but HR. I didn't do this myself but it was certainly an option available with my previous government dept employer. I do sympathise as I have a now adult child recently duagnosed as neurodivergent. She had a terrible time with doctors and at school, and I will always feel that we let her down as we struggled to prioritise her needs, whilst juggling ft work. Take the time to look after yourself and your family and don't look back with regret xx

When our GP heard what DH was going through they just declared him unfit for work. I think they were vague on the form as to why. We were going through similar.

Yes it is for this, you are sick and could end up more ill if you do not take time off.
Exactly the reason they have sick pay, for the sick.
As you know how they "manage staff out" do not allow it to happen to you. Notes, diary and union. Good luck.

It sounds like you’ve got an awful lot to deal with at the moment and I’m not surprised you’re feeling stressed. I personally would be honest, but appreciate it’s your call. Given what is going on, would be pretty rubbish of any management not to understand, however people can be blinkered. If you are off with stress, they cannot repeatedly contact you, although I think they can offer occupational health. It’s okay not to be able to deal with all that life throws at us sometimes, it can be a lot. Wishing you the best.

It doesn't sound just like WRS, more life stress. Being overwhelmed and exhausted sadly doesn't seem to fit neatly into a medical category. Would requesting some leave for mental issues be as detrimental as WRS? It shows you need some time for medical reasons, not that you can't cope at work? Xx

I am CS and was signed off with stress, a combination of personal and work related issues; it all became too much. My managers applied the appropriate policies and processes, and I had the opportunity to say what was making me not well enough to work. They were very understanding about the personal issues, which they had been unaware of, and made changes at work, acknowledging that I had been treated unfairly in some instances. A counsellor helped me reflect on my part in it all. I went back to work after two months, and got promoted a month later, and now have a much more honest and healthy relationship with my employer.

If you see your gp and tell them you’re stressed, but also explain your worries to do with work they should sign you off with a generic reason. I was off last year for an operation, which I didn’t want my work to know about (they didn’t need to know) so my doc signed off with “general surgery”
talk to your GP. They will help

I worked in HR in the civil service and your post made me feel sad. It really is contrary to Civil Service employment policy. We were always mindful of our duty of care and would try to support someone who was struggling with stress and tried hard to be a disability friendly employer. I have sat down with many people to try and make reasonable adjustment to their job description and hours, so that they can manage their stress and their responsibilities outside work. I think the Civil Service is exemplary in this regard unless something horrendous has happened in the last 14 years. I would advocate complete honesty unless the team is unusually harsh ( illegal) Wishing you all the best with this incredibly challenging period of your life. Your DH must step up before you break or he will end up doing it all.

It's not reasonable to try to be signed off for something that isn't true. It is perfectly reasonable, in fact very, very important, to explain everything to your GP and make it clear that you feel you are teetering on the edge of a precipice and can't carry on.
Is it possible to consider reducing your hours, perhaps temporarily? Not always possible, I know, but worth exploring, Maybe after a period of absence.
Good luck, and don't despair, you will come through this, and you are very far from being in a unique situation. Your GP will have seen & heard it all many times before.

I have had migraine , the agonising, 3 day, utterly debilitating, I'd -rather- die -than do -this again migraine, since I was 13. I hate it when people use migraine as an excuse, or claim to have a migraine ( a very nasty neurological condition) when it's a tension headache. Please posters, never suggest this.

Try depression. When I’ve been off with mine before they were too scared to ask me about it

That’s because the NHS give absolutely no f*cks about your mental health. I’ve been off six months with work related stress which has triggered my depression and the way they’re going I won’t be going back as they’ve offered me zero support

I was off work with stress, GP asked me was I ok with putting stress or would I prefer something else?
take the time off and take time for yourself. Wishing you all the best.

You have all my sympathy. You could be describing my life, to be honest, so I totally hear you. Juggling 4 year old twins, one with SEN and despite an EHCP, little to no support from LA. I'm the main breadwinner so can't walk away from the job, and I'm the only one who can handle all the endless education and life admin due to language issues. We can't even move out to somewhere cheaper due to various things, so can't really cut the bills. Oh yes, and a fairly demanding job 4 days a week! So, I'm sending a big virtual hug. I have soldiered through covid, my little one being terribly ill, operations, parents getting more fragile...no end in sight. I've now added to the list anxiety and a crushing fear that I might kick the bucket and then where would everyone be left? I'm totally overwhelmed and regularly now just burst into tears for no reason. So, I'm going to say what I think you should do, and I'm then going to try and take my own advice...because I reckon I'm at breaking point too.

1. I think you need to go off sick. Work is important, but your life and family have to come first. It doesn't sound like you're a malingerer, so fingers crossed they will be sympathetic. Don't over think it (easy to do when overwhelmed!) Get counselling, even if you have to pay at first while you're waiting. Cut down on other things to pay for it. If you go down, everyone goes down, so its vital that your protect yourself.
2. I know how terrifying the early stages of SEN can be. Totally alone and so many fears for the future... Join some SEN parent groups, find some mums who get it and make friends. Look at charities... I found a community garden with a weekend play session. It's literally a godsend. And don't be coy with friends. Just be honest and say you need help. I've got two who will come and give me an afternoon off everyso often. They come together as they can't do it alone... But it works
3. Lastly, stop fretting too much about school. This is a long fight and there's going to be plenty to stress about.. My little one is largely non verbal and hasn't got toilet training yet. What can you do? I think reception isn't so different from nursery. They will be OK this year. Then slowly and surely get your SEN ducks in a row for a tribunal in the future. But try not to get consumed by it. I sort of forgot how to enjoy my kids in all the worry... I'm also waiting for counselling. If you have any help from work, use it... Private health care, sick leave... That's what it's there for.

... Deep breath and you'll be great. Just give yourself the space the stress leave affords you. Don't make it more stressful by lying. Just explain.... And if they are reasonable, there's employment law! But I'm sure they will be... I've started on all this but still have so long to go... I'm going to reread it now and give myself a good talking to! Big hugs. Xx

I totally sympathise with your position. I had primary school aged children and a toddler with health and behaviour issues. Trying to juggle work, school and nursery drop offs with hospital and other appointments was extremely stressful. Shortly after my youngest started mainstream primary school, his behaviour issues escalated, to the point of barricading himself in classrooms, physical aggression and property damage. I and my husband were regularly called in to take him home or stay in class with him. I ended up working part time, school hours and term time only. I had to make up my hours when I had to drop everything and go to school; it was an unsettled few years. I know this isn’t what you want to do, but it is an option.
Eventually, my son was diagnosed with autism and mild processing difficulties, given an EHCP and a place at a SEN school from year 6.
He did so much better at the SEN school, I wish he had been granted a place sooner. He is now in mainstream college doing a bakery course and we are very proud of him.

You have a bit of a battle on your hands but you will get there. I hope your little boy gets the setting he is entitled to and you manage to find a compromise work wise that you are comfortable with.

Go to the GP and be completely honest with them. I work in a senior CS role, and the dept I am in has high work-related stress levels amongst the staff. However I didn’t want stress on my sick note, and was honest with the GP (actually had a tiny breakdown in front of him and cried, poor chap). We discussed what should be written on the note when I had calmed down, and agreed on exhaustion. I was signed off for 6 weeks then a phased return. I have subsequently been off again (5 years later) and that time I wanted stress written onto the note as unreasonable demands were being made of me in terms of workload and deadlines. I was off for 2 months that time. This is all about 10 years ago now, and I’ve moved roles and not needed any more time off for stress (lots of time off for cancer treatment in recent years but no more stress). It’s very hard, but actually in the CS it’s almost impossible to get rid of people unwilling to go so it shouldn’t affect your job regardless of what is put on the sick note.

You really need to talk to your wellbeing team. I am a civil servant and I understand where ypu are coming from but you need to take advantage of everything that is offered.
You cannot be managed out of your role. Have you discussed current issues and asked for a work life balance to be implemented for ypu, even temporarily.
I am a manager and I would not feel like I was supporting my staff if they felt they could not approach and discuss issues with me.

OP this sounds really difficult.
I work in CS. I have a child with SEN. We are in the ECHP process. I find it immensely difficult to balance my children and work. I do have an understanding manager, which helps. I have been in CS for over 20 years.

Also fast tracked and until I was a parent I worked days off, evenings and was able to offer so much discretionary effort. I no longer do this and for a long time, I saw this as not being good at my job. However, I am good at my job, I deliver well and on time and manage as many projects as others. However, I also know when to say no, as I am working at capacity. I work differently but I am more effective than I used to be, partly because I have had to be. I have stopped going for promotions.

I have been off with stress and I don't believe I had any negative marks against me for this. I have managed large teams and have never been punitive towards someone who is off and has a genuine reason, which includes stress. Those I have had to manage through the sick processes either had patterns (always sick in school holidays) or poor attendance. They have also tended to be people with performance issues.

One of our benefits is sick pay. People don't like CS, and I don't want to derail this by going into public perception but this thread is full of it.

Your children need their Mum to be well, functioning and able to fight their corner.

Your department need you to be well, capable of doing your job and able to deliver what is in your job role.

Right now it sounds like you are struggling to do either. See the GP. It sounds like stress is what you need to be signed off for. Think about how you will fill your tank for when you return.
Look at the carers passport, this should help.
Either refer yourself or have your manager refer you for OH.
Have the counselling.
check out support groups for SEN, ECHP application both locally and on FB.

There may be difficult choices to make. We are about to downsize so I can afford to do less days. Not ideal, as the type of house we can afford to live in will make somethings tricker at home, but my daughter needs me to be free for her more. She is in school at the moment, but we suspect she won't be for much longer if we don't get the ECHP support in place. It is a hard choice, we won't have holidays etc, but it is the only way of surviving. Work gives me my sanity space, so I can only reduce not quit, unless I find another avenue to cope and keep well myself.

Look after yourself and whilst I wouldn't say my daughters needs have got easier or less - she is 9- I have accepted the changes which comes with being a SEN parent and adjusted what I want from life.

If is hard being a SEN parent. You can feel so unseen with friends, as it is hard to describe your experiences of parenting. I have lost friends, because I just can't work, be a good parent and see friends. I have tonight cancelled seeing some friends because my daughter had a rough start to the day, I was called into school and I needed to make up my hours this evening.

I hope sometime off helps you build your resilience

Schools aren't allowed to do this.

Sending children home without excluding them is what's called an "illegal exclusion" and as parents you should be refusing to allow it.

An agreed reduced timetable is different, but even then it should only be for 2 or 3 months at the most, increasing the time in school towards full time by the end of the process. And they're not supposed to be used because of behavioural issues.

Schools should not be sending children home. Parents, learn your children's rights!

OP I don’t have any practical advice to give, but I just wanted to say I know how hard this must be for you. You are carrying a heck of a lot at the moment. I hope you manage to find a good solution in the short term, and please be assured that in the long term things will get easier (not least because of all that you are doing to support your child and family at the moment). Sending a hug.

I'm am currently off with stress for the 2nd time in 5 yrs.
Those posting that OP should manage her life better clearly don't have a child with SEND.
You have no idea of the fights that we as parents have to fight to get our children into settings that are not there or if they are, the LA refused to pay for.
No one is there to help us, no one is there to advise us.
Not only that but we have other children, a job and home to manage, along with the behaviours our children present with. It isn't their fault, they can't help it. These aren't just 'naughty kids' but they have serious neurological issues. It's bloody stressful to them and us as parents plus we're trying to keep our other kids from being traumatised.
There are not many settings for our kids.
There are many independent schools which are perfect but the problem is, that they cost 30k per term and the local authority knock us back from accessing them.
This OP mum is at the end of her bloody tether with constantly fighting the system to do right by her child, keep her job and keep her family together.
Why not give her some sensible advice and suggestions rather than kick her in the balls while she's already feeling shit about things.
OP, I'm in a similar position and it's shit. I'm sorry you are going through it too.
Skip the shit people's replies and remember that you are a great mum. If you weren't, you wouldn't even bother with this fight because it is damn hard.
Stay strong. You aren't alone xxx

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, having a child with sen is not easy, we had to fight our local authority with the right specialist education for our DC but won in the end.
Wishing you and your family all the best

I don’t know if it’s much better than stress, but what about exhaustion? That way you could explain to your bosses that the impact of everything at home has left you unable to sleep, and the lack of sleep could impact your performance. Or just say you have been suffering from insomnia.

This is my first ever MN post.

I cannot get over the sheer amount of Cunty replies.
This will be my last MN post.

Best wishes OP. Take the time off. Use it to recover and plan ahead.

And please please please ignore the nasty people.