Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

I can understand where some posters are coming from with regards to being on sick not being the solution. OP I work in management and feel I have good relationships with my reports and if someone shared with me what you are going through I’d be suggesting to take get signed off for a couple of weeks to hopefully improve wellbeing somewhat and looking at how we can support - so maybe a temporary reduction in duties/workload for 6 weeks in the hope that you can create a plan as to how you’ll manage home/work stress In a manageable way for you
In a situation where it doesn’t seem like the home stressors are going to be getting better, We’d be looking to plan how you’ll manage going forward. CBT can be great for supporting people to manage long term stressors. Your stress bucket is maxed out and over flowing right now and if there’s nothing that can be done to stop
the stress from going in your bucket,
CBT will help you create holes in your bucket to manage the impact of stress to allow you to function well and stay on top of your wellbeing, using a variety of cbt tools and techniques.
people end up managed out not because of a one off sick note with stress, but a repetitive cycle where eventually, employers hands are tied as they have an employee not able to do their role anymore, who have used all their sick leave and say they can’t afford
to not be I work, are unable to perform adequately And have not taken steps to manage the situation. That last bit sounds harsh but employees do have to do that part and when signed off sick for stress, need to be proactive about doing that. So I try my best to support staff from Get go to avoid anyone losing their jobs and we do so really successfully when they’re honest about their difficulties and we work together

So sorry to hear this, I went off ‘sick’ for a week last year. I’ve just dug out my sick note to help you, the reasons on my sick note were “stress” and “low mood”.

If I were you, I’d speak to the doctor - explain how you are feeling and ask them to just put “low mood” on your sick note. Hope this helps!!

It's ok to be off sick with stress & is one of the biggest factors these days. You should not be penalised for this at all at work.

Refer yourself to your Occupational Health team if you have one so that they can look at short term ways to help you like shorter working days or less days at work when you feel ready to have a graduated return to work.

Exhaustion is a euphemism for rehab so I would not say that.

Im really sorry with what you’re going through. However you’re not sick and I wouldn’t appreciate my tax dollars funding your “sick” pay.

my dd had a global developmental delay so I left my job and career. I had to have four years out of the workforce until she had progressed enough that I could look for a new part time flexible job.

I’m sorry by my response, maybe I just feel like a mug for working in the private sector and having to leave; tbh I’m both jealous and astounded at people being able to take paid time off work for life events that I have struggled through and I only took the odd day off (bereavements, multiple miscarriages, depression).

My doctor offered back pain or similar - they were always really understanding and think it’s common to put a different reason. Good luck OP

All a race to the bottom isn’t it.

“I didn’t have a safety net so you’re not allowed one either.”

I too had multiple miscarriages and didn’t take any time off during busy projects.

Your “tax dollars” will be funding my unemployment benefits after I burn out and have to quit then.

Solidarity from fellow SEN mums eh!

But thank you to everyone else who’s been kind and lovely x

Quite. No point op burning out and needing benefits for a long stretch instead.
Op, you don't need to have anything physically wrong to need sick leave. Mental health is just as important. And if not taken care of will impact physical health.

Chat to your GP, come up with a plan with them. Time out to rest and regroup. But then you do owe it to yourself and your employer how to find a sustainable balance in the longer run. Whether it's going part time and extending your mortgage term or buying in more help

So you want to hide or misdescribe the issue, do no work but still be paid the same? Is that a good example for a manager to set? Would you consider following the disciplinary route if someone you managed did what you propose? Think about it - our taxes pay your wages.

@Marshallscrossing much love to you, op.

You have worked for them for 18 years, you have full sick pay - for gods sake take it, and if you don’t trust them not to manage you out, absolutely lie, without a seconds thought.

in terms of a long term plan, I personally think it sounds like bollocks that you just default have to quit your job to be a carer and basically go into poverty - no way would I do that, that would be terrible for your family!

When you have headspace, you and your husband need to seriously think about the future, here - you both need jobs to keep the money coming in and you need specialist schooling for your child. I think you need to think laterally - your husband about what other less hours jobs he can do and where, you the same. Could either of you start your own business to have flexible hours? Would you consider living outside of the UK after your parent passes? Provision is a lot better elsewhere - have a think about it? There are lots of options.

also, do check out the Nemechek protocol for autism - my DS is high functioning but we have had massive improvements giving the supplements daily, and it can’t do any harm anyway. Good luck love!

Sorry, but what stopped you from taking sick leave for your multiple miscarriages and depression? Just be side you chose not to, doesn’t mean others need to martyr themselves even more than they are already. And working g in private sector is not being a mug - plenty of private sector employers offer benefits similar to CS, including 6 months sick pay. Plenty.

And when life events all add up to a point when individual’s functioning is impaired, it is being sick and what sick leave is intended exactly for that. To take leave to deal with functional impairment whatever that may be.

I’ve worked my arse off for almost 18 years for the CS doing loads of unpaid overtime and only taking maternity leave and barely a day’s sick leave in that time.

I work part time - 4 days - but we all know that those roles end up being full time and I often work in the evenings and on my day off.

I love my job and don’t want to be forced to leave it.

I’m so upset that people think I’m a piss taker for wanting a tiny bit of breathing space while my parent is very unwell with cancer and my child is struggling and I need to fight a huge battle to get what he’s entitled to.

Ive turned down much higher paid roles elsewhere because I think the work I do is important and because I’ve always appreciated the idea of a safety net in terms of sick leave if I ever needed it.

Well now I need it and after all the advice I’ve received on here I’m not going to feel guilty if I end up needing to take it

Ask the Gp to put something else on the note. Mine put post viral fatigue or similar instead of stress

What a strange competition some people think you have entered.

OP, forgot to mention - one of my reports was going through a horrendous time at home. They were barely holding it together - writing emails at 3am, looking really disheveled on Zoom, sometimes slurring words from lack of sleep. They were delivering by the way but at such high personal cost that I was concerned for their well being. They refused to take sick leave because of perceived stigma. Perceived is key here as the whole management team were concerned for his well being. At some point I put my foot down and forced them to take sick leave as I owed them duty of care. They were/are a key employee- not anyone mentioned managing them out. Right now all we care about is their well being. It’s tough to redistribute their responsibilities and no one can do that particular set of tasks to the same standard. But guess what? We’ll manage. And all we want is for them to get the space to felt better and come back. Managing out is not even on the radar.

on the other hand, we had an employee who always took sick leave. For every cough, stomach upset, etc. for every two weeks they were in, they were out for 10 days. guess what, they were a hiring mistake in the first place and shit at their job. Ongoing suck leave was just the last straw. We managed them out pronto.

so it all depends.

Wow, you sound empathetic! Maybe having a few weeks off will give her the room to come up with a long term plan? ATM, she’s in survival mode. Anyway, I’m sure you know best :/

some awful people on this thread have no idea what it’s like to have a child with complex needs. It’s bloody hard! I hope you get the right school placement for your child and the wider family. Might be worth taking time off sick, then attempting to manage stress levels with sertraline, talking therapies, regular exercise, as much bought in help as you can afford.

Don't be upset, don't take it personally. You came here for the full breadth of opinion did you not?

I guess so but thought mums might be more understanding of very upsetting struggles like this rather than thinking I’m a grasping chancer.

And it’s personal to me

Lastly you are as entitled to a good career as the next person. The crazy insistence you give up a job you love because you have a disabled child seems discriminatory. You’ve clearly been an excellent employee to date with very little time off. Sick leave is there for situations like this, where stress levels are on a knife edge and you’re sinking fast.

The problem is, this is an anonymous thread. It's so easy to see things in black and white and respond accordingly. I'm sure many people on here m, including myself, would have given very different advice to a good friend, over a cup of tea or glass of wine. If you have a close friend that you can talk this through with, then I would urge you to do so, you will feel an awful lot better than opening yourself up to a bashing on here. All the better if you DP can step up for an evening so that you can take some time out and have a proper catch up with someone's who's company you enjoy and who's advice you value.

I suppose I feel like a failure so hadn’t wanted to share with friends how much I’m struggling.

My career is something I’ve always been very proud of and enjoy that I’m well respected. To say I can’t cope feels like an admission of something I don’t really want to face.

A lot of my friends also don’t have a child with SEN and unless you do it’s very difficult to understand. I certainly didn’t before.

If may be an anonymous forum but people have been outright nasty. Theres a real person at the end of this thread. A real person that’s struggling and close to the edge.

Op i have been struggling with life/work/stress too. Mine is definitely more work-related than anything but being the main breadwinner comes with a lot of pressure to keep going.

I am not up to speed with uk sickness processes as I live abroad now. However, I would plan on doing the self-cert week to buy yourself a bit of space and time.

Then, again I’m not sure on the rules there but do you even need to give a reason to work as to the root cause of your stress when you get signed off? I mean, your medical stuff is private right? So if you are not fit to work for x period then what does it matter why.

In any case it sounds like you’re really having a tough time from lots of different angles and I can see that as we get older things become more delicately balanced mental health wise.

You are not a failure. You will come out the other side but please now do what you need to do to prioritize your health.

Hope you have a supportive Gp.

in my workplace there is an employee package which offers 6 free counselling sessions. Hope the CS has something similar. For me when I was absent, it triggered an occupational health referral. Which was useful as they actually stopped me from returning sooner and insisted on all medical tests being done and support in place.

a phased return is also helpful, as full Pay but reduced hours etc to facilitate a successful return.