Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

I suppose I feel like a failure so hadn’t wanted to share with friends how much I’m struggling.

My career is something I’ve always been very proud of and enjoy that I’m well respected. To say I can’t cope feels like an admission of something I don’t really want to face.

I totally get this. This is EXACTLY how I feel too. And the concern about being blacklisted once you mention it.

Do you have a decent boss op? Mine is an arse so it makes it a million times worse as he would see asking for help / absence for burnout as a weakness…

If you can self-refer to Occupational Health then you should be able to discuss your situation in confidence. (This is quite different from your manager referring you - when you self-refer, no report should go to your manager; if your manager refers you they will be specific about what they want OH to consider and report back on. If you manage people then you probably already know all this.)
Does the CS offer access to external, confidential employee counselling?

Sorry to hear your boss isn’t supportive.

Mine has actually been quite good as he sorted out my new hours from September for me. Although actually I think me working everyday is actually good for him as he doesn’t like that he might not be able to reach me on a Friday.

But he has no children and is a real workaholic so I’m worried he won’t be as understanding if I present with more issues.

Yes they do offer counselling - I’m going to look into this on Monday

Just ask the doc to put something vague on the sick note. I think I had one that said insomnia

Very gently OP, try not to lash out at people who are trying to help you. @norfolkbroadd has real depth of knowledge and our SEN community absolutely relies on the wonderful people like her who help us by providing voluntary support.

If you have been guaranteed a tribunal date before September, then I'm really pleased for you. But I think what @norfolkbroadd was trying to say was that things that are promised don't always happen. And even things which you are entitled to legally don't always happen. It's absolute shit and unacceptable but no one really cares.

I've got two autistic DC who are now 14 years old. DS has high needs and is still in nappies. At age 4 he was still in nappies (same as now) and wasn't verbal (but he is now verbal).

My DS's EHCP said he should receive certain things - and we didn't get them. We were entitled to them legally. When I called a meeting with the school/LA and asked where the provision was, they just shrugged and said "shortages". Didn't give a shit that DS' legal rights were being breached. Obviously we fought, but I'm just saying. You think you've seen the worst of it, and then it just gets even harder.

I know that's not what you want to hear and you probably think that isn't helpful. But what I'm trying to say - and also what @norfolkbroadd was trying to say - is that absolutely take the time that you need right now, but be prepared that you might need lots more time off in the future, for various reasons. I know that you need to work financially and that you enjoy your job, but it's worth just thinking about any other options you might have, just in case.

I went self-employed when my DC were babies as I couldn't support their needs and work. I just couldn't do it. And when my DC started school there were many, many instances where I had to go into school or where he couldn't cope with full days. It might be smoother for you, I hope it is. But just worth having a think about what the options might be if things are a bit bumpy.

I hope all this reads as intended. No criticism at all of what you're planning. Also, for everyone being so dismissive of stress - this isn't actually just stress, it's poor mental health. We bandy the word "stress" around but in this case, the very heavy load you're carrying OP is damaging your mental health and you're not able to continue. Don't listen to people who try and imply that you're weak for admitting you can't carry on right now. You're in this for the long haul and you'll need your resilience in the years to come. If you break now, what happens then? Taking care of your mental health is vital.

There's no shame in admitting that you're struggling with your mental health. People who haven't stood in your shoes have no idea what it's like. Plus we all have our own breaking points. There's no medal for carrying on when you feel like you can't. If you have a sympathetic GP they might write you a vague sick note but as PP have said, it would honestly be better to come clean with your line manager. By making it clear that it's the stress outside work that's causing you to break down and not anything to do with your work, you might find you don't end up being secretly blacklisted as you fear.

As an autistic woman with autistic DC who has fought the same fight, I'm really hoping that things work out for you OP and I admire your honesty on this whole post. Genuinely, all the very best.

OP this is a lot, too much - there is no wonder you are struggling.

Gently, there is nothing, absolutely nothing - your reputation at work, awkward short term conversations etc, more important than you and your health. I have lost two wonderful, senior, high performing, popular friends and colleagues this year. They were mourned by those at work, tears were shed - they were hugely loved. But a year on, their memory at work has completely faded. We are all entirely dispensable at work. The pain long-term is held by their family. It is simply not important what people think, or even if you’re sidelined down the line (they’ll have to pay you off either way which will help with the mortgage). Get signed off, regroup with your family, feel better and then make a longer-term plan. Negotiate that and look forward to a more settled future

I hear you i get it I’m a fellow send mum juggling work and we’ve been in the tribunal queue for 7months so far with a date in Nov with no sign of any educational provision until Jan/Feb 2025 at the rate our LA go. No parent outside this send system would understand the shit show our education system has become. I’m the only working parent amongst my peer group left, one by one they have all had no choice to stop working to support their kids or they would break. I had a month off last year as the stress is horrendous. I’m too in the care sandwich with elderly parents. Please take some sick leave it’s what it’s there for, parenting a child with send is very much a marathon not a sprint and your definitely going to need to recharge. Be honest with work and try to get a reduced work load somehow or you will break. I hope you get the school place your child needs but I’m afraid the backlogs in the sendaist tribunal system is horrendous right now with or without an expedited hearing.

My only concern for you is that the six months sick leave is a rolling year and if you take three months off, if anything happens in the next twelve months you could end up on half pay in just three months.

Hi op,

I do feel your pain. I have an autistic 4 year old due to start school in September. He does not have a EHCP yet as he scores too high so I very much feel that I am setting him up to fail as he will not have the support he needs.

Ironically I am a social worker on the learning disability team for the local authority I live in. It is a local authority in the south east. I moved to this team in part as I knew it would be helpful to deal professionally with those who I will need on side to get my son what he needs.

Things are not great in the sen world atm and our funds are limited. I have not gone off sick as I am waiting to see if I will need to over September when my son needs me. There is no shame in it, I've not done it before but I haven't begrudged colleagues who have. These people making snide remarks don't know you and certainly won't pay your bills. Do what is best for you and your kids.

i have a family member who has been off work with stress related issues (but not stress related illness) on and off since 2020 on full pay . Works for the NHS so I’m thinking not dissimilar to your situation . From what I can see from their situation is that it really helps to know how to take the sickness breaks to have the least impact on their attendance record. In this particular case , the sickness attendance was so marked they faced a disciplinary hearing and lost their job . They appealed and was reinstated. They are currently off again due to stress on full pay . You’ll be fine .

I was for the very similar two year ago.
Do it, it did honestly help me.

They did put stress on my sick note and work were meant to be in touch (call) every week to see how I was. Luckily I get on well with my boss so after two weeks he would just drop an email.
No pressure on returning just asking how i was, anything they could put in place etc.

Your health comes before work.

Having a non verbal autistic child is relentless, the fact you've worked all this time is incredible and no wonder you are exhausted. I don't know much about sick notes etc but we were awarded the specialist place at the mediation stage before tribunal this year. My son is a year older than yours and he has been doing part time hours in mainstream (always plan for him to start specialist setting at 5 which is youngest they take) so it absolutely is possible! The mental drain is immense and I'm sorry about your parent.

An anti-depressant won't be able to solve your problems but it might help you to cope with them and to "just keep swimming".

I have a child that is largely non verbal who went to a pre-school attached to a primary school and then special school, after being referred for assessment by the pre-school . I would try not to panic if your child has to start at mainstream school in September because your appeal or mediation is ongoing. I'm sure their reception year will involve lots of free play and the school will probably add their voice to the calls for special education being the right provision.

Your employer offering school hours sounds good - even better if you have flexitime as you might be able to bank some hours on Tuesdays when your husband is off and take flexi time for appointments/parent stay and plays etc.

Are you having to do hands on care of your ill parent frequently or is it more the emotional strain? Might they be entitled to any help with carers (they could ask for an assessment under the care act) or can they afford to pay for some help? You mention taking your parent to hospital in your OP if they are going regularly for outpatient treatment is there community transport/ hospital transport or even a taxi they can use and you (or any siblings etc) only try to accompany them for test results etc) You can't do it all no matter how much you might want to.

I’m quite concerned about how you feel about the cs after being in it for 18 years - is this real or your perception from how you feel?
You should have a carers passport and a disability passport. You need also to make use of the counselling. Also are you in the tu? It might be the right time to consider signing up. Anti depressants will take 6 weeks to take effect and still give mood swings so are not magic.
Honestly I think you need a break, possibly some respite care for your child and some support with the ehcp tribunal. I know there are various groups on fb that may be able to help you. I’ll be honest and say my old departments getting you back to work policy kicked in after day 14.
I do think your first port of call is your line manager and forget all this putting pressure on others business - that’s for your manager to manage. It’s literally their job!

I can't really offer advice but I am so sorry for the huge lack of empathy that you have experienced on this thread.

I would suggest that you do discuss antidepressants with your GP. Look into the different types at least. I imagine that you've become used to a level of depression/low mood and stress that would tip some people over the edge. Antidepressants might just give you enough clarity and energy to tackle the next hurdle.

Look after yourself x

Wishing you well, OP. If you need somewhere that's empathetic and non-judgemental then there is always Samaritans. Sometimes these boards can be very harsh and there is always this competitive element where someone thinks that how they reacted to an event is how everyone should. Far from being aggressive here, I think the OP has been very restrained.

OP I do wish people would refrain from commenting on topics they clearly have no f*ing clue about! I’m so sorry you’re going through such a tough time.
I have two autistic children and I’ve spent years fighting for their right for suitable education, it’s the most stressful and draining thing I’ve ever been through. After years of fighting we now home educate because the system is so broken and lets down so many SEN kids.

Honestly do what you have to do to protect your own mental health because you won’t be able to fight when you’re at rock bottom, and your kids won’t be getting the best of their mummy when you’re so stressed.

What I have learnt is to try not to worry about the “what ifs” and just focus on what you need to do at this present time, thinking too far ahead can be overwhelming. You’re struggling, you need a break, ask the GP for a sick note so you can feel able to cope again. Even if it’s just a few weeks or a month to begin with, it can be extended if necessary. Some GP’s will ask what you want them to write on it, but I think lying could add to your stress. When you’re going back to work HR would probably want a back to work interview and then you’d have to lie, you don’t want to be looking over your shoulder worrying about being caught out. Lots of ppl in CS take time off with stress and continue a successful career.

Also don’t worry about how you will manage work and the kids long term, I manage to work almost full time hours whilst home schooling, work is really important to me, I’m just not ‘me’ without it. I think it’s important to not lose yourself, your kids are of course super important, but you’re important too.

It’s a rolling 4 year period.

I've managed 2 people in the CS who have been off with stress, in both cases non work related. It hasn't harmed either of their careers, the CS is generally very understanding in my experience.

It absolutely won’t have been on full
pay - they’d need to return for a full year to reset their entitlement between each period with the NHS.

in OP’s case it’s a 4 year rolling cycle so would have to be back without absence for 4 years to replace what has been taken.

I think work place policy on this will vary. If you can, I would explain what is going on and see what they say. It might be that you could be off with general life stress, but not work stress. Otherwise see what carer's/family leave you can take? Your company may or may not have a good policy on this. I would be totally honest with your manager and see what they say. They may say you would need to take sick pay/no pay in which case you'd have to consider other options. I wouldn't lie though, it could get you in big trouble later on which would probably cause worse stress than you have now.

All of this is making me want to look at Cs jobs... But as a 45year old career changer...

Ex civil servant here. Not the same situation as you at all, but 10 years ago I was working for an utter bitch. I’d been diagnosed with a hereditary cancer, and had lost five relatives to that cancer in the past year. I also didn’t want to be signed off with work related stress. My GP understood this, and signed me off with “stomach issues under investigation by hospital.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. I was throwing up with stress, and had been to the hospital for an unrelated stomach scan. It gave me some breathing space to decide what I was doing next. Can you have a short time off (I had a month) and then more if necessary?

Your situation is very difficult and I sympathise. You simply have too much to cope with but you arent really ill IMHO. But you could become ill if you dont get rest. Its a dilemna. I think if you had say a month of with stress it won't affect your position at work but six months might. . Up to you.