Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

Totally possible! I have recruited career changers.

In some areas though the pace of work is ferocious. I've worked in the private sector too, in fairly cut throat industries and the work , and pressures , were nothing compared to senior PS roles. When you are in the gaze of the media and at risk of being a political football at any moment (and ideally making big differences to people's lives) the pressures can feel enormous

Stress levels are through the roof for many atm, with the col crisis and so much pressure financially on the back o& it. Good job we don’t all take it off sick. Generally speaking, most of us have to trek to work regardless, or there would be no-one working.

😇🙄

Rude.

It might help to get your GP to put 'family related stress' so they don't think you are a risk of suing the CS for work-related? But yes - take the sick leave and worry about any possible consequences (I'm sure there won't be) later.

(FWIW My DS (ASD and ADHD) was not toilet trained when he started school, and although not non-verbal he was was very behind with language. We have had all sorts of issues over the years but I was always keen to keep him mainstream (despite some serious reservations) and am now sure it was definitely the best thing for him. He is 16 and although he has social and academic issues he's doing so well, and hates anything that makes him seem 'different'. At 4 he seemed so challenging in every aspect of everything (years of aggression, poo-smearing, physically dangerous behaviours etc etc....), I could never have imagined how amazing he is now. Of course you know your own child and I can't comment on that, but in some cases there really is scope for improvement that you maybe can't imagine right now. Maybe give mainstream a try at least.....?)

Good luck with it all - but please take the time you need. The CS is a big employer, at least you don't need to feel guilty about letting down a tiny family business. They can easily afford the leave and to provide cover. They have decent sickness policies for a reason! Hope everything else gets sorted and you can go back soon.

As pp have said, unfortunately it doesn’t always matter if you’re legally entitled to something - it doesn’t mean you will necessarily get it. I take your point that you need to have strength to fight for your DS but if you use up a lot of sick leave now then come September if things still aren’t resolved then you’ll be struggling a lot.

In your shoes I’d ask to be signed off for maybe 4 weeks to give you a chance to gather yourself and get a bit of sleep if you can. Then I’d ask to do a phased return to work where you’re doing maybe 50% of your hours for a month or two. This is an option that the GP can request on the fit note and because you’d technically be at work it might not count towards your sick leave. Or if it did it should only count as half (if you had two months working 50% then that would equate to one month off). You definitely need to leave something in the bank for the next school year.

Even if you do get a tribunal date and an EHCP before the start of the school year (which I’m sorry to say does sound extremely unlikely at this point) then given where we are in the year, it’s possible that the EHCP will name a setting that isn’t actually suitable for your DS or there will be insufficient support provided or there may not even be sufficient appropriate placements. I’m not trying to be pessimistic but like some pp I do think you need to not have your bets hedged on all this being sorted in the next 12 weeks.

Dear @Marshallscrossing - I would speak with your GP first and then to work. I had an incredibly supportive GP who helped me navigate a difficult situation and sick leave without prejudice to my career (and integrity)

For example even after tribunal I know one family whose EHCP still did not name a specialist setting but it was updated to say that the child should have 16 hours a week of 1:1 support. As you know the EHCP is a legal document blah blah blah so they should have the 16 hours. Child starts school and initially they have nobody in post to provide the 1:1 due to staff shortages, then eventually they do get someone and it transpires that the 1:1 is being used as a floating TA due to lack of funding and other needs etc. So the child was actually only really having the odd couple of hours of 1:1 despite the EHCP stating 16 hours.

This is just one example of the way that children are let down and regularly do not receive what they are legally entitled to.

Ohh op, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I used to work in the civil service too so I can understand how you feel.
firstly can you look at your working patterns?
Is there a way to either WFH or move to compressed hours? This might give you a bit more time at home?
also, I would speak to your line manager and maybe get occupational health involved. The reason why, is that they will be able to agree reasonable adjustments to help and support you!. Maybe work 3 days in the office, two at home. Also please do reach out and speak to someone about your mental health. You have a lot on and your only human.
can you look at other roles? Don’t forget you can just transfer if it’s the same band.
I worked in management and the number of people who are struggling is crazy! It’s more than you think… please be kind to yourself x

Contact Occ Health as they will support you without any judgement & can also liaise with your line manager on hours/work you are fit to do.

Your boss might be an arse but they are still required to follow your sickness absence policy.

Today it is time to put yourself first & not worry about what anyone else thinks - please book your appointment with your doctor asap.

It's ok to have stress & completely ok to be on sick leave for however long you need it. Your emotional/mental health is equally important as your physical health.

If you broke your leg & needed 3 months off to recover no one would bat an eyelid.

Just take the sick leave with stress. People get managed out because they are never there not because of the reason. You could be a year off with a bad ankle and they would need someone in to take your role.

Anyway, take the sick leave for a couple of months and whilst off work out a long term plan to help you cope. Don’t be afraid to ask family for help.

Also, pp have been concentrating on the SEN as that is a huge stress and a long haul. But I would really urge you to see where you can step back around driving your parent. I would be horrified if either of my children were caused additional stress by meeting my needs or wants. I would imagine there will be a good local taxi firm in your area of Sussex that could do a lot of it. I honestly don't think you have time. Something is going to have to give.

It’s true. You don’t think a lot of people are stressed to the hilt? But they just get on with it. Stress isn’t something new. It’s always been out there, but some now think it warrants getting signed off sick.

This. Adjust your work rather than take time off. Change hours, role, place of work, position etc etc. You parents will sadly still be needing support in 6 months time as will your dc.

I am fully sympathetic of those dealing with challenges we've had more than our fair share thrown our way but sadly that is life, every single person is juggling many a demand and as others have said you have to look at what you can change. So in this situation the demands of a responsible job seem to be the only thing thst can give. Step down to a lesser role, negotiate wfh, use AL etc.

Are you on meds for anxiety, did you find cbt helpful? (I assume you've accessed it although waits are long for f2f there is plenty of online support). Have you accessed any other health and wellbeing support?

OP I'm sorry you're experiencing so much stress in your life atm. I'm a manager and I would be very sympathetic if an employee disclosed issues with stress, irrespective if it was work stress or home stress. Now, obviously I can't speak for all managers, but I think there's a much greater appreciation of stress and mental health issues than there would have been in the past. Please go to your GP and ask for a cert. If you don't, you run the risk of a total breakdown or panic attack and then you'll be no good to anyone - at home or at work.

You need to step back a bit and you've obviously assessed all your sources of stress (child with SN and an impending tribunal, older child acting up, ill parent, work etc.) and figured that the only ball you can drop is work. Take a month out (or two or three) and focus on your home life for a bit. I would be reluctant to use up all six months in one go, because then you've nothing to fall back on, if you find that you're struggling again in the years to come. Also, you might find it harder to go back after a very long absence.

Those who are managed out tend to be those who have a long history of absenteeism and/or under performance. If you've had a good record of attendance up to now and you're a hard working, conscientious employee, then I would be very surprised if your workplace punishes you for one, albeit prolonged, period of sick leave.

I would recommend seeing a counsellor or therapist also. You're carrying a very heavy mental load and it would be good to offload that to someone else.

Do you honestly think your comments are helpful for an OP who sounds absolutely at the end of her tether?

So sad that so many people are still dismissing stress/burnout/mental health issues like this...

To put this in context I had so much stress in my life last year that in the end my body and mind completely collapsed. I had a complete breakdown and could not function anymore to the point where I made plans to end my life. This is where multiple trauma and sources of stress can lead you...

I had to go under the care of the mental health crisis team for two weeks before medication and support got me off that black hole. During that time I could barely eat (it took me 3 hours to eat two pieces of toast and drink a tea..and that was all I could tolerate). I could not concentrate or read more than 5 minutes...

I was off work for a month and a half and I think it was not enough.

My employer proved very unsympathetic and adds to the stress on a daily basis so I am now looking for a new job.

My point is don't get to that place where you can't function anymore.

Take time off and then make some long term plans. That might mean asking your workplace if you can reduce your work to 3 days and/or get a job share or work from home.

My GP put down depression and anxiety in my fit notes but left out the bits about the suicidal plans.

I have no doubt that there is a lot of stigma around mental health so I understand that you might be reluctant for your employer to know. I can see that I have been treated differently since I came back from sick leave and they have been trying to push me out (and this is a charity that looks after vulnerable people...).

Maybe your GP can write down that you are dealing with extreme stress, tiredness and anxiety caused by family difficulties.

Frankly there will always be another job, but you only have one body and one mind and you need to take care of them.

''@Livelovebehappy

It’s true. You don’t think a lot of people are stressed to the hilt? But they just get on with it. Stress isn’t something new. It’s always been out there, but some now think it warrants getting signed off sick.''

This is nonsense.

Sustained/constant stress can be a killer and causes all sorts of physical and mental issues: high blood pressure, heart attacks & strokes, depression, problems sleeping, skin conditions...

This dinosaur thinking really needs to end.

Millions get signed off every year with stress….and good on them😊

And yet it tends to be those who get full sick pay for 6months. Self employed people seem to manage their stress levels, difficult though it may be.

@Janiie

And yet it tends to be those who get full sick pay for 6months. Self employed people seem to manage their stress levels, difficult though it may be.'

Evidence?

More nonsense trying to suggest that anxiety/stress/depression are not real and debilitating.

oh get over yourself….you are just making yourself look all bitter and twisted….and it’s not a good look🙄….if someone gets full pay for 6 months and they are stressed to the hilt and not currently coping then why wouldn’t they go on sick leave?…..come back hopefully a bit stronger, a bit more resilient

This. Absolutely spot on. What are we all trying to achieve? Who is winning? Don't ever underestimate stress and anxiety. Sunak and his crew's minimalisation of mental health is damaging beyond belief. I would love him to shadow me or others for a day and then stick by his ill founded, uneducated and proactive comments. Your mental health is and will always be your everything. When did we get so judgmental as a nation? Kindness and empathy always please, because you just never ever know when it may be you or a loved one. Sending MN hugs.

IF you can trek to work and carry on regardless, then kindly and by no way of offence meant here - by default you are not in the same state or position mentally as OP or other MNetters who simply can't and in many cases are 'paralysed' in that sense. I always think when dealing with mental health it is helpful to think of the physical equivalent example...maybe then we would be more understanding because often easier to understand when we can visually see proof. Mental health and even many physical conditions can't be seen. Does this mean they don't exist?

Completely agree. When I was at my most stressed I can remember driving my car over a hill and feeling like I had no control over it at all, like it might just crash at any moment. That was when I realised I needed to get signed off. Extreme stress is dangerous.

You’d rather I had a breakdown then and end up on benefits or lose my house would you?

What a sad race to the bottom this all is.

If you can’t have empathy for someone struggling that shows where society is going doesn’t it