Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

[Marshallscrossing]

Im sure this will set people off but I want to know if there’s a way of “faking” something that a doctor will sign me off for that isn’t stress.

I work in the civil service and I know people that have been signed off with stress thatve had their cards marked forever and later managed out of the business - obviously not for the stress reason though.

Im really struggling with everything at home at the moment and work is the only thing I can see that can give right now.

My 4 year son recently got an echp agreed but they’ve refused to name a specialist setting - they’re saying a non verbal, not potty trained child can cope in mainstream. It’s ridiculous - all the professionals agree except the local authority. So we’re taking them to tribunal - hopefully should be fast tracked as he’s due to start school in September.

I have an older child who has coped with everything really well but is acting out at the moment as me and his dad have been so occupied with sorting our other child and the EHCP.

I have an unwell parent who I’ve had to run to the hospital a lot.

I work 4 days a week in a busy managerial role in the civil service and I just can’t cope. I’m behind on things and I’m sure I’m going to drop a massive ball soon and really bugger something up.

I can’t sleep for the worry of it all.

Please help. I know people will say I should be signed off with stress but I’ve seen what happens to people that have been.

also - I don’t know how it works. Will they ring me repeatedly trying to get me back into work asap? I think that will stress me out even more ☹️

When I worked in the NHS there was a curiously high number of people off with thyroid problems...

You’re entitled to carers leave for these types of situations

That sounds really difficult. How long did you want to be signed off for? If your finances allow it you could consider unpaid parental leave.

I don’t know maybe a few months?

I just want to curl in a ball and go to sleep.

Unfortunately we need the money so can’t take any kind of unpaid leave

The civil service have a generous sickness package - 6 months full pay.

i know this isn’t what it’s meant for through ☹️

I work in the CS in a fairly senior HR role. I was off with stress over Christmas (work related). Just be honest with them.

Do you have to give the reason? I’d see if the doctor would write something elusive like ‘personal health circumstances’.

Do not feel bad for this, you come first. And ignore the posters who will inevitably pile on and tell you it’s wrong, it’s definitely not and you need to rest. Hope you feel better soon xx

@Marshallscrossing but you are stressed? It's not work related stress on its own is it. You've got a hell of a lot going on and 6months full sick pay is there as a 'perk' of your job. I would just be very honest with your line manager and doctor. I say this as someone who was off public sector high role and suffering with extreme stress. I had 3 months off in the end.

I would get signed off with stress, I’ve had to do this before. Honesty is always the best policy. If you are signed off with stress, they have to be very careful with contacting you as they can’t be seen to be adding to your stress as you could use this against them.

Can you be signed off due to your son's health issues or would that be unpaid leave?

Do you get migraines? They could warrant a day or two curled in a ball in a dark room every few weeks. They can come on in midlife...

Please also accept you cannot be all things to all people. Contact your parents' health authority to discuss someone taking them to hospital appointments. stop doing that very time-consuming, emotionally draining job.

Give yourself slack everywhere you can. Buy healthy ready meals and 5 minute prep meals.

Apply to Homestart to see if you qualify for some support due to DS's problems. Someone might be able to come over a couple of times a week to play with your younger son while you spend more quality time with your older one.

I'm also CS and stress is EXACTLY what sick leave meant for. You're not well enough to function, that makes you entitled to sick leave.

Ask the doc how they can word it, but only your line manager and HR should know what's on your sick note. Do you trust your LM?

Ask for a month's note initially. Ask your LM to set up one call towards the end of that time.

Yabu! You need to make some long term changes. A sick note will not sort your issues. I have 2 DC with SN. No way I could cope in such a role. Unless you have a very robust support network to pick up the pieces, you need to find a different way to manage things long term. Your child is only 4 and things won't get easier moving forward. You need a long term plan!

I went actually with similar issues to the GP a few times when things got too much and was refused a sick note. I was advised to leave employment instead. I think this was really shitty but I would be surprised if you could get signed off for the reason you describe on any case. I was offered counselling to manage stress (but I couldn't attend due to lack of childcare - oh the irony).

This is the best advice. You could explain that your stress is in no way brought on by work but by family health issues which you are responsible for dealing with. Be clear that a few months to decompress and sort out permanent solutions to these issues will have you back at work raring to go. Managing you out over that would be grounds for constructive dismissal, wouldn't it?

@Meadowwild please don't encourage anyone to lie about migraine. I have chronic migraine and liars make it very very hard for people liked me to be taken seriously.

Migraine is the third highest disabling condition in the world in terms of the time people lose to living with it: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/headache-disorders

You can self certify for the first week but after that you will need a GP note and GPs can only sign a note for what they can observe / have evidence of. The process with someone on long term sick is that you should have a call at certain intervals to check in and see how you are if you are signed for a longer period of time say 6 weeks and the possibility you might be off longer - it’s your employers duty of care. Where I work it’s usually aligned with the reissue of your sick note but always pre arranged at a time to suit via text or e mail - Check your sickness policy they certainly. Shouldn’t be phoning repeatedly.

Alternatively could you speak with your manager and agree a period of special leave. They will have a policy for carers which effectively you are for both your DC and your parent as well. This might be a neat solution to get you through this perfect storm you find yourself in and give you a chance to breathe and reset.

There are policies in place in the CS for Carers, as well a good sickness policy

Have you spoken to your line manager ? Just be honest, they might be able to take something out of your workload, or find someone who can help.

I’m senior in the CS, never marked anyone down for being off with stress, I would be much more pissed if someone lied to me

I've been signed off before for 4 months with stress, my note said anxiety.

I have a child with Autism and also suffered a significant bereavement, like you it all got too much and work was the only thing that could give. I've not had a single day of absence related to my MH/stress in over 2 years now, so it is possible to take a break from work and return afterwards without returning to complete overwhelm. I've had a promotion since so if anything my job is now more pressured/stressful than it was before.

We've had to navigate a specialist placement for my child, didn't have to go as far as tribunal but it was a fight and it's really stressful. Being awarded the right placement was an immense relief and suddenly everything felt manageable again. I hope the same thing happens for you.

Can you ask for a sabbatical? You wouldn't get paid though.

In the civil service department I am in taking sick leave for mental health related reasons is not unusual. I think you have to be honest with your LM and say you are thinking of this, use it as an opportunity to discuss whether there is any way to reduce your work stresses. Your department will have a sick leave policy on its intranet somewhere, it will set out how often the LM is supposed to be in touch with someone on sick leave.

Speak to HR or LM. Having to engage in this subterfuge will just be another stress that you can do without.

I can’t leave my job. We need the money.

We have a fairly large mortgage and can’t move or downsize as we only have a 3 bed.

I wish I could but we need the money

Thank you to everyone that’s given advice - it’s brought me to tears. (Again!)

I feel so alone with it all as my husband works long days in an engineering job. So there’s no flex in his work either. He also just gets on with things so says he doesn’t understand why I worry about things I can’t change.

Exhaustion?