Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

You don't know that she willingly "gave" him to a relative. If she was 16 so 15 during the pregnancy so just a school girl.
I don't imagine many children in that position would be allowed to keep a baby so he was probably placed with someone else in the family to prevent going into care.
If she was a young scared child pregnant at 15 she was 9 years younger than her 'dependent' son is now.
Not a nice situation but if he'd been adopted then they'd be complete strangers, are you forgetting she was a child and may have been abused? it was at very least under aged.
She says she had regular contact with him throughout so presumably a loving relationship so why would that lead to sudden no contact 24 years later.
Also the H can't help how he feels deep down but has at least had the decency to allow him to feel part of the family and kept his thought and feelings to himself even if he's vented a few frustrations to his wife.
I too have a moan and feel frustration with my kids to my H but it doesn't make me an arsehole just a human and my kids are very loved.

Exactly.

It’s really expensive and lots just can’t afford it. It’s not like it was in the ‘90s or ‘00s. Lots of PP would struggle too, with all your life experience.

Totally agree with you.

This is all really complicated because we have three adults, who have made certain choices in the past, and now have to negotiate how those past choices are affecting the other two adults. A lot of untangling needs to be done.

OP chose as a teenager to engage in adult behaviours without mitigating the consequences. She chose to have the resulting child be raised by a more responsible adult, which now carries feelings of guilt and wanting to make up for lost time within the relationship. She chose to marry someone either without communicating a clear plan regarding the custody of her first child, or she did have a plan in place, and has since changed that plan.

DH chose to marry someone with a child. This child is 12 years his senior. Before entering into the marriage, he either never discussed or had a clear agreement about where DSS would live (and simply made assumptions), or did have a clear agreement, which OP has since changed. He chose not to cultivate a stepfather role while DSS was in custody elsewhere.

DS/DSS chose to ask OP/DH to move in when he was unhappy in his previous living situation. He has chosen not to find his own accommodation in the six years since he left education. I assume he’s working through lots of feelings about where he fits in within his own family.

This now a complicated web. In hindsight, there are a lot of things which could have been done differently, but what’s done is done and we are where we are today. The three adults need to have a grownup conversation about the way forward, preferably without emotion/guilt, and agree to a realistic timeline of when the plan can be put into place.

@Newbutoldfather can you really not see that this is an unusual situation?

@user1492757084 fly the coop that he was only allowed to enter a few years ago?

My DS will live at home for as long as he wants to and if anyone who wasn't his parent tried to tell me he couldn't they'd be told where to go. YANBU.

God your ds sounds like a wonderful young man.

You know that you cannot compromise your relationship with him again after what has happened previously and you should guard that position vigorously.

You need to make it clear to your husband where your priorities lie.

If you all keep doing what you are doing then I’m sure you lovely son will eventually meet a nice girl and fly the nest.

You owe it to your son to put him first.

@MumblesParty ,

At what age do you think he should move out? 44? Never?

You can’t trade a missed childhood with your mother for a codependent adulthood, it just doesn’t work that way.

This.

If my dh was behaving like this he would be leaving, not ds. I know lots of people think 24 is too old to be living at home but I’d sooner my kids were home saving to buy a property than throwing money away on rent.

I remember when I got married, my dm said that I could always come home if I needed and that there would always be a place for me there. My dm passed away when I was 43 but I have no doubt that if I’d rocked up in my forties with the kids in tow we’d have been welcomed with open arms. That kind of reassurance and security is priceless and I do wonder if the fact that many kids clearly don’t have this is why so many end up stuck in difficult situations or stay in abusive relationships. I will always be there for my dc and they will always have a home with me at any age. Thankfully dh is on the same page.

I don't feel that it is the same situation, as with a child that has lived with you from birth. He didn't have the chance to live with his mother then, so it is even more important that he is now able to live with his family, and feel secure. It might also affect your younger children's feeling of security, seeing a member of the family ousted from the home.
I asked my older son to leave when he was taking drugs, and lying in bed all day. I was divorced from their father a few years previously. My new partner was being a bit annoying, and my younger son, then aged about 17, said "just watch it! She won't stand any nonsense, she chucked dad out when he misbehaved, then my brother" it was a joke, but I have never forgotten, as it was a shock that it could be seen like that.

The ds in this situation has never had just his own family in the house either but he seems to be managing. The dh needs to grow up and understand that he married a woman who already had a child and he needs to accept that they come first. Unfortunately the ds didn’t have the same choice and now he’s saddled with this knobber who just wants him out.

Maybe Op isn't in a position to financially help him stand one his own two feet. The way of financially supporting him is to let him stay at home keeping his living cost low and let him save as much as he can.

I sort of assumed he'd stayed with his DGP ie Ops parents. She married when he was 12 so just started secondary. It was maybe felt that it was better for him to continue to live with them for school and staying local to friends.

But whatever the reason chucking him out now probably isn't the best idea.

Has your dh seen the state of the housing market?!
no way would I throw mine to the rental sector. It’s no fun at all and I’ve told mine they are to stay until they can buy.

I don't know exactly what happened all those years ago but I do know it takes 2 to make a baby.
Op has made whatever choice she made at the time presumably in his best interest and maintained a relationship with her son but still has received a lot of unkind words despite the absence of the other parent who I assume has contributed nothing to this child's upbringing, not even a relationship and not housed and cared for him for the last 8 years.
Why is it that it's ok to completely wash your hands and walk away as a dad while mum gets slated while supporting him through adulthood.

If the child had been adopted everyone would be saying she did the right thing by giving him a life she couldn't provide.

Is it worth trying to reduce your husband’s frustration? Find out what is happening that upsets him and stop it happening

Your son had a difficult beginning in his life, growing up away from his mother. It's understandable that you're happy for him to stay longer. You're making up for lost time and mending your relationship.

This isn't an ordinary 'failure to launch' situation. You need to explain this to your husband. He sounds very threatened by your relationship.

Maybe it is a different demographic but none of my friend’s children in their mid twenties live at home-zero (except for short stays

I wouldn't know, my friends' kids are a bit younger - ie university age or younger than that, but I do have a friend who only recently moved out in her mid 30s and her two adult siblings still live at home! Clearly her parents make it too comfortable, or more likely, their offspring simply can't afford to move out.

A lot of people seem to assume that it's affordable to move out; it may be for some - but it would be interesting to see data on what percent of 24 year olds are able to afford their own place without significant financial help from mum and dad. The cost of housing and the cost of living is way higher than the average income can support.

OP, this antipathy between a partner and the children of an earlier relationship is very very common so you are not alone.

I can imagine this is extremely painful for you and I wish you the best either way it.

All you can do is your best and all they can do is theirs. But maybe you might be honest with DH and be really clear what this means to you. To an extent the rejection of the child is felt by the mother as a rejection of herself - it's so painful.

"Maybe it is a different demographic but none of my friend’s children in their mid twenties live at home-zero (except for short stays"

It would be interesting to know the average household income of whoever posted this - I imagine they are in a very affluent area and only have friends who are in the same income bracket - that post says to me "me and everyone I know is doing brilliantly, why didn't all these 24 year olds still at home work harder at school and get better jobs?"

Sorry but I find some posts to be almost painfully smug.

Dont be stupid! OP has two other younger joint children with DH so you suggest breaking up a family?
Sometimes I wonder at the mentality of the posters on here. Think before you make off the cuff suggestions like that.

I see your DH's point but he married the mother of a child and should have expected the unexpected.

Your son may feel a need to be near you. Nothing wrong with that. It's really not on for your H to keep carping on at you. & where do you live that your son can set himself up in housing at 24?! It's £850pm for a Room, where I am in London. Or will your H expect your son to live very far away where its cheaper and he won't be able to visit often?

Your son is working and paying his way. It doesn't sound as if he's in the way and he doesn't require looking after, does he? If he sees being asked to leave now as double-rejection, how will you feel, and how will this impact relationship with your husband, going forwards?

I imagine the DCs you have with your H may still be at home aged 24. & That will set you thinking. Personally I'd rather lose the husband than my son but up to you of course. Once your son has gone the next thing will be your husband who sounds as cold as a dead carp, whinging about you visiting your son, how often/how long etc

I had a son at 16 and raised him on my own, he’s 14 now.
my two brothers (32&24) live at home with my mum. They simply could not afford to not right now. There is no age restriction on needing your parents. I highly salute you for seeing your son’s worth in your life and you’ve rightly made a place for him. You’ve included him in your home like you do your other children. I think your husband is a bit of a selfish prick but that’s my opinion.

Multi generation living is going to become far more normal. My friend is 34 and lives with her parents, she can't afford to move out as a single person. I can only afford to because I have a council flat so my rent is reasonable. She could probably find a house share but why live with strangers when you can live with family, provided everyone is happy with the arrangement.