Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

You haven't answered the questions about why you didn't move your son in when you got married when your son was 12, so there may well be good reasons to that.

But if I was your DH, I'd be expecting you to take in your son at that time if not earlier, i.e. when he was 12 and you were married and stable. I would find it hard to marry someone who didn't want their child living with them when able to look after them, unless there was good reason.

I can however understand why now, as your son is 24, it must be hard for your DH if your son is around a lot with the two of you in the evenings. Your son however probably relishes the chance to bond with you, and is making up for the childhood time he lost with you.

1. why didn't you have your son home earlier when you went on to have more kids. 2)did you keep him a secret from your husband. 3)So many things you haven't answered. 4)your husband is a dick.

If I suggested to DH that his DS should move out now he's in his 20s I would rightfully expect him to tell me to fuck off and ask me to leave instead.

Your DH is a twat.

A bit late to start putting him first in her life though. It seems that people are expecting her husband to be uncomfortable in his home because of her past mistakes.

A child is never a past mistake.

I have seen threads where the step mother is fed up of a mid twenties adult step son living with them and the answers are very different. Also is there an end in sight? Will
he ever move out? I can see the mother’s point of view but don’t think the stepdad entirely unreasonable either.

Are all the people saying OP's H is a cunt, show him the door, my kids come first etc all missing that she also has two younger kids? She has missed most of her first child's childhood. If she boots her husband out, she misses half her younger children's childhoods too. Which kid/s come first?

None of us will ever know properly how and why the situation arose that a relative raised OP's son, and why it was decided it was best for him to stay there once she married. All that matters is that everyone did their best at that moment in time.

I know this is AIBU, but stop being so black and white about this one. There are no 'winners' here whatever the outcome.

I don’t know anyone who moved out at 24!

I strongly suspect as she had regular contact that the "relative" was the child's father who had custody and the son only returned to his mother when he was old enough to leave home.

Nothing op is saying makes any sense to me.
You had a kid gave him to someone else to care for went on to marry and have more kids.
Husband don't like your first child.
Child moves back with mum when he's a teen now husband wants him out because he likes to chat to everyone in the evening.
I hope he goes no contact with all of you.

Agree with this. My kids would always come first and I couldn’t love a man who didn’t like my child. It would be so painful for a child to have their mother choose a man over them and your DH is behaving appallingly to put you in this position.

I imagine a lot of posters don’t have grown up children and think that they magically become adults at eighteen.

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie that’s irrelevant really. Her DH is showing no consideration for the OP and putting huge amounts of pressure on her. If her DS moves out and their relationship suffers, she will resent her DH and they will split up anyway.

I think the best option here is for dh to grow up and stop trying to force his wife into some twisted “Sophie’s choice” over which of her children she wants a relationship with.

And make no mistake. That is the choice here. No matter what the reasons for giving up the child 17 years ago, he will not forgive her for turning her back on him a second time.

Get your head out tge clouds and look around there are more young adults living with there parents now than ever before!!! Why because they simply can not afford to move out rent prices ridiculous mortgages impossible wages shockingly low!!!

In fairness, unless you have a bunch of kids or a pretty high paying job not many moveout in their early to mid 20s (unless its to go uni) nowadays.

I don't think you should force him out else the relationship you have built with your son will suffer. He contributes financially and gets on with his half siblings so i dont see the problem, has something happened in the house thats made your dh take such a dislike to him or has he never really accepted him?You need to have this out with DH I'm afraid.

Your DH did sign up to this because I assumed he knew you had a child when you met, or shortly after.

This is totally different, but my parents divorced when I was 7. My mum remarried and her husband was a great dad and then they had another child. He'd helped bring me up from being 7, but as I grew I felt things change. One night, when I was about 17, we had a massive argument and he screamed at my mum to throw me out. He'd become a cunt and I massively responded like a cunt (I don't think I'm totally innocent in this, challenging parents in the teen years etc). He screamed that my mum should throw me out. She walked down the stairs and said to him 'The only person leaving this house will be you, do not ever ask me to choose a child over you again'. I left when I was 19 and I started my own life. My stepdad and I eventually got on again.

I know this is totally different, but what I would say is talk to your DH and tell him why you don't want your DS out of your house, especially if he is being responsible and needs a little bit of support.

Hope it all works out.

Your husband did sign up for this because he knew you had a son before he married you.
Why can't he open up to your son?

Maybe because there another adult always about the house. I relax much better when none of the " kids" are at mine - and they are my kids. ( 2 eldest moved out youngest at uni)

Am leaning towards this op. Yes your children (not child as people keep saying. You have 3 children not one!) come first but surely that also means supporting their independence? Otherwise what's the end game? Live with you forever? Leave when he is 30? If he doesn't leave what happens if/when he finds a partner? Will they move in too? And just how big is your house? Does it allow some independence? I think there is a bit to unpack and discuss here. If you do decide that it's indeed in his interest to move out at some point soonish then help me plan that, May be save etc.
BTW is he dating at all? How do you guys deal with his friends coming over?
Am not saying he should go now or tomorrow but have a think about the long term implications on just on your dh but on your son and on his siblings.

I agree. Your husband saw a 17 year old as a grown man. Wait until his kids are that age and he will realise how young 17 actually is. My child would come first.

DS is 24. Why is he not self-sufficient?

I feel sympathy for your DH. When he met you, you never had your son live with you and by the time that happened your DS was basically an adult. Hes now 24 and to be honest, should be moving on.

I have a step daughter who is lovely (as I’m sure your DS is) but if she was living with us for an extended period of time then I’d leave… it’s a lot to deal with having another unrelated adult on the house you didn’t raise.

Your DH to grow up and get a grip….hes your son. He sounds lovely your DH doesn’t. I would make it clear that your son is going no where.

Tbh nothing in your OP or following comments really indicates to me that your husband "doesn't like" your son. A lot of it is you interpreting his behaviour or comments, and although admittedly you know him better, it looks like you might confuse annoyance/irritation with dislike. A lot of people get tired of having young adults under their roof, whether they are blood related or not. And young adults can often be very irritating!
The fact that he would also like for his sons to live independently by that age reinforces that.

I don't think he is wrong, by 24 your son would be much better living on his own and it shouldn't prevent you from having a close relationship. But I can also see your point about the time you lost before and the bond you have now. Could you maybe start by having a conversation with both of them separately? Your son is probably has a plan to move out at some point, maybe start there and understand his intention and offer some help?

What specifically is the issue?

If he contributes financially and works full time, what’s he doing that’s causing the problem for your husband? If you can sit down and have a conversation, perhaps agree house rules (for everyone) you could move pass this.

Just a quick question, is your husband likely to ask his sons to move out when they’re 24 or is the rule just for your son?