Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

If this was to happen it wouldn’t be op breaking up the family, it would be her dh. Her family includes her oldest child and if he can’t accept that there is no way forward.

@Newbutoldfather of course in a normal healthy situation, with no SEN, traumas or health problems, we would all hope that our kids become independent probably in their early 20s. But it’s not black and white. Young people stay in the family home for a multitude of reasons. Cost of housing is probably the main reason. But this situation is different. This lad’s life was far from “normal”. We don’t know the details of why his mother chose not to live with him, but we know that at age 17 he was unhappy enough to want to leave the people who’d raised him. He wanted his Mum. This is a delicate situation where the normal rules don’t apply. It blows my mind that you can’t see that.

It’s perfectly reasonable to expect your adult children to move on to independence if that is financially feasible.

Your son works full time, and he’s hardly young. What’s your son’s plan long term? Is he saving for his own place? Or just plans to live with you forever?

It’s harder as a step parent than as a parent. With his children (I’m guessing your son doesn’t see your husband as a parent) your husband can speak with them directly - ask them their plans, joke about it as a way to bring it up etc - all normal things. But here he’s working through you, and it sounds like he’s making the effort to not make your son feel unwelcome. If you won’t have conversations about your son moving towards independence, and he doesn’t want to do that as the non-parent then nobody is.

I do understand it is complicated by your guilt over not being able to raise him when he was young, and fear over making him feel unwelcome especially given that it would not be unexpected for him to have concerns about being wanted given he was raised by family and things went rocky.

Your 24 year old sounds lovely and it's great he wants to be at home with you. I don't think being independent necessarily means living alone. It sounds like you dh is threatened by your son and needs some (external?) support.

I think it’s wonderful for you and your son to be together - especially after the (must have been) trauma of having him at 16 and he being brought up elsewhere - for both you and him. 24 is so young and young people need stable homes especially in current economic situations. Your husband is being an arse - actually - worse. A pathetic man. How can he not have empathy for this young man - your son - his children’s’ brother. I would advise having it out with him. Calling a halt to his complaints about your DS. Either he brings him fully into the family or he (DH) should think about going. DH is being cruel both to you and your DS. Best of luck to you. I take my hat off to anyone who has had a baby at 16.

Ask your husband if he will be asking your two younger children to move out at 24?

24 is so young and young people need stable homes

Yet people asking why she didn't raise him at 16 as a school kid.

I agree with @AtlanticMum.
Tell him you've had enough of him moaning at you. I'd find his awful attitude really unattractive.
Mean sod.

It's bloody difficult for young adults to afford rents and forge their way in the world today.

I imagine your husbands attitude, and that of some posters, would be very different it was a 24 year old daughter....

Classic alpha male, jealous of another adult male in the house.

Very unattractive and your DH needs to get over himself.

And in the course of this therapy, she can also puzzle over why her son has cut her off from all contact with him and any grandchildren she may have. After all, she did everything she could to make him feel included in the family over the first 24 years of his life, and definitely did not toss him out a second time to satisfy the insecurities of the man-child she married.

My eldest daughter is 24 soon and I'm ready for her to move out! It's hard living with another adult at times. I can see why your dh might find it hard.

I agree with this actually. Presumably the OP's DH was 29 when he had a 17 yo who he barely knew move in with him. Must have been hard to know what his role should be. I think most people would find that very difficult. I have no idea from the OP's posts whether her DH ever had any inkling that his technical stepchild would ever be part of his household, in his shoes I'd probably assume that by 17 the DS would be starting to spread his wings anyway.

but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

But that's not surprising is it? You expected your 29 YO DH to become a father to a 17 YO. Your other children are far far younger so of course he'll treat them differently. He was independent and married at 24 so barring any ND issues , he probably wonders why your DS can't at least be showing a few signs of independence.

Living costs are very hard for young people these days so I have sympathy with the DS but our role as parents is to prepare our children for independence so I think all this talk of making allowances because of his earlier life is misguided, presumably he had a good childhood or the OP would have taken back custody as soon as she could. Helping him to function as an adult is the greatest support that the OP can give. My DD will always have a bed here if she NEEDS it but I expect her to aim for complete independence.

I was your son in this situation although female and was born to a 16 year old mum who was still at school.
I was brought up by my much older married father though and his wife but saw my mum all the time, she took me out at weekends and I am really close to her.
I never harboured any bad feelings because I know it broke her when she got settled and wanted me back and my dad said no and I said I wanted to stay where I was because I was happy and settled.

We carried on as normal and when I was 16 I moved into my mums house to live with my siblings and mum for a while.
It gave us both closure and healed some of the pain from the past.
I never got on with my stepmum though I think I was always the child her husband had fathered from an affair with a young girl but she still brought me up.
I have nothing but good memories with my mum and I'm absolutely sure mum did the right thing because I was fine with my dad and never felt abandoned because I felt safe and had stability and wouldn't have been as happy if my mum had tried to bring me up while just a kid herself.

I'm in a similar situation, although my DD is back at home after a LOT of years of bad choices. I also had her young and my parenting was loving but unskilled so she had a chaotic start that was reflected in her later life.

I'm past the point where I parent out of guilt so the enabling has stopped, and she has grown into a lovely woman. But that doesn't change the fact that there is now an extra adult in the house and DH is struggling with it.

My approach has been to ask DD for a timeline to 'launch.' It will be a while, two years or so, but having at least an approximate end date has gone a long way to addressing DHs unspoken concerns that this will last forever.

At 24 it's reasonable to ask your adult child for their own version of a similar timeline, while emphasising that there is no ill-will, just two adults chatting about independence and future plans.

I don’t think DH sounds a cunt (as some delightful posters have called him) far from it.

He took in OPs 17 year old son who was essentially a stranger to him, has had him stay for 8 years and understandably thinks it’s time for a 24 year old man to stand on his own two feet now.

OP I understand you feel guilty about the past but this dynamic doesn’t sound healthy or fair on DH if he’s feeling uncomfortable in his own home. It doesn’t mean you don’t have a relationship with DS, but a healthier adult to adult one where you should be encouraging him to become independent at this age.

I see the biological father in this has got off scott free as usual.

@lionkingess OP, firstly you have nothing but absolute sympathy from me. OP, listen to this comment and ponder on it.@CowTown . I am sure, along with other many helpful (and there are many) replies on this thread, CowTown's comment will at least help you to see where to start.

Personally, I was not going to post, but needed to highlight CowTown's comment in the see of our many comments.

I understand there may be many reasons why you are not being able to write more information or answer some very specific but useful questions, on this thread. However, I believe if you can write more about the dynamics and give more examples and answers, you may get better assistance from this thread.

Some Q pointers:

• In your shoes, I will seek professional help on how to navigate the 3 adult relationship you are in.
• While I understand the immense pressure you feel over DH's request; you need to 'see' what you can reasonably counter with; For example, if DS has no emotional needs and other needs that make him a different 24 yo except that he was raised by a relative and you didn't live with DS as soon as you were settled (others can attack this how they like, but this is key, more than that he was raised by someone else); I would consider asking DH if the financial contribution DS makes now, can be saved and given to him in a year or two to help Ds live independently. You have not said how much Ds contributes- this is relevant. a) You may find DH may insist the contribution MUST continue and then you can say, that is now making it impossible for Ds to move out.
• This was covered by others; however living/buying discussions with adult children from the age of 21 years ARE normal family conversations. OP may feel, understandably, she doesn't know what is normal for Ds at this stage and what is not; which is were professional help comes in. Or is Ds not planning to have gfs and his family in future? He needs to learn to start living independently; even whilst he is living at home, if that is what is easily accessible now. Again, this was covered by others: start doing his wash, some cooking, cleaning and generally just living independently. Then schedule Saturday or Sunday lunch or so every week as family time that he must always be present for. Whichever day works for you.
• Related to above point: your DH does need to be mature enough to 1) not put too much pressure on someone who had a child at 16 at the time you are also now caring for little kids- it is NOT ON; 2) DH needs to suck up Ds being present and DS's interference (as DH sees it) in his (DH) time with you as ALL adults married to someone with an adult child have to; 3)Both you and Dh (DH supporting you) need to 'late parent' Ds (as all parents with kids who may need extra care do- I have a DN who is slow, so she gets more assistance to be independent without pressure but family always clear she can stay forever- it is ranch so plenty of room and space for all to exist and she is helpful and her financial contribution not required- but she is working on her independence at her pace); so late parent Ds with normal convo about living independently, buying, sharing with others etc in a loving way JUSt as all parents have these loving convo ( and not threats by Dh or pushing HIS decision as a convo) and then evaluate. If I found my DS doesn't want to move, can't move, wants another 5 more years I WILL make it happen.

Don't be cowered emotionally because of your past decisions- they are done. Be strong and put on thinking head ad/or seek help and you will be fine. Trust me on this and best of luck.💐

In case I was unclear, this is NOT your DH's decision to make ALONE. So I would ignore his requests; as long as you are working on this.💐

It’s possible he was the one the raised the boy. We don’t know. But yes, more than likely he’s not involved at all.

Oh exactly and can you imagine the applaud he'd get if like op he was supporting his son now at 24 and had had regular contact throughout his childhood.
He'd be seen as a decent father.
How the expectations are different.

At 24 your son should be looking to make a life for himself outside the family home. Yes he may need to stay a bit longer but he should be saving up and planning his future. When your other children get to that age they should also be looking to move out.

You say your husband does not say this to your son so he isnt being a dick about this, he is just sharing his belief with you that young adults should be seeking independence. He is not unkind to your son and he's lived with him for 7 years. You need to start considering your husband's needs and not letting guilt over not raising your child cloud your judgement.

I think you should support your son especially at this important stage of his life, but of course perhaps discuss saving money for a deposit with him and let your partner know that there is a plan but he is also your son. Definitely don't ask him to leave. Your husband will have to work on his relationship with him as there doesn't seem to be any big issue caused by your son. Good luck!

He's not going to kick him out but he's made his feeling crystal clear to me that it's time he moved out and he can't live with him

Bye bye husband then, enjoy your new living arrangements.

What an amazing story. And also full of hope. Thanks for telling it and so glad you have managed to heal from this situation growing up, it sounds so difficult... I know you said you didnt get on with your step mum, but I am also somewhat perplexed that she accepted an affair, and raised (did she - or was she indifferent -) you in her home. Without knowing anything else, that must have been also difficult from her side.

1 billion percent this.

It’s not easy for OP to put her son “first” because by ditching DH she then has to split custody with her other 2 DC.

I don’t see why you, DH and your DS cannot sit together and talk about the future. It’s not about kicking him out tomorrow, but supporting DS in moving out within say a year or two.

To be honest I moved out at 24, some of my friends still live at home in their middle / late 20’s. It’s a lot harder to move out if you’re single, and rent / mortgage is so expensive these days.

Call me old fashioned but my kids come first

Yes but only the first kid according to MN. Even when they are a 24 year old man they must come first. Never mind the second two, in fact throw the DH out and break up the shiny new family because they are less important.