Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

[lionkingess]

I was very young when I had ds at 16 and so he was brought up by a family member but I still had contact with him.
I married dh when ds was still young (12) and we now have 2 children but still had regular contact with ds and a good relationship with him.

When ds turned 17 he asked if he could move in with us as he wasn't happy at home and we agreed but I know dh found it hard and saw him as a grown man moving in with us.

Ds is 24 now and has lives with us for the last 8 years, dh thinks he should move out now as he's grown up but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

I don't want ds to move out because I finally feel like I have my son back with me now and I'm grateful he still wants a relationship with me after I let him down as a child but this situation is coming between dh and I who I have two younger children with.
I had hoped he'd stay with us until he was ready to move out of his own accord but he doesn't show any signs he intends to move out.

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this but this is where we are, dh is fine in front of ds but is constantly moaning to me about him and saying he needs to go.

This

Exactly

I’m just going to say it. The majority of the people arguing the dh’s side in this seem actually unhinged, more than for any other thread I’ve seen. That in itself should give OP a pretty solid idea as to the right course of action.

just a quick reminder:

1. most young people do not move out by the age of 24, because we are living in the third decade of the 21st century, not the 8th decade of the 20th. There have been one or two changes in that time.

2. DH’s inexplicable and infantile jealousy towards his wife’s own son does not take precedence over her son’s need to make up for the 17 years during which he was excluded from the family.

I strongly disagree. I think a lot of young people, especially men, get very comfortable at home and it's not good for anyone. Someone in their mid twenties should be independent, or at least have a clear plan towards it. I think it's much better for them to be supporting them out the nest and to start their own lives no matter how daunting they find it.

These days it’s so much harder for young people to have their own home. Years ago you did leave home by your early 20s because you were able to buy a home. Now many 20 somethings are living at home because they just can’t afford to rent or buy and I suspect your son the same.

I think you have to have a serious conversation with your DH and explain your feelings. He knew you had a son when you met.. obviously, you want to support your son and make up for the lost time from the past. I think your DH needs to make a bit more effort to understand this.

Exactly what @FatmanandKnobbin said. If you ask him to
Move out you are going to do serious damage to him and your relationship.

Imagine as a kid being brought up by family members other than your mother. Your mother who then goes on to manage to bring up her next two kids..... then you move in with her to be then asked to go. No, just no.

I wouldn't be putting up with this. I would be telling my DH my son is here to stay and if he keeps going on about then he will be the one to leave.

OP you are lucky your son still wants a relationship with you, if you ask him to leave you are going to fuck that relationship right up .

Your DS is your main priority imo.

Your DH sounds quite immature and lacks empathy and understanding.

In the whole scheme of things after what he has been through (no disrespect at all), what's a few more years, if that.

Another factor is, your DS sounds delightful, and fits in well with everyone, it's your selfish DH that doesn't.

Good luck 💐

I think times have changed as costs have risen. It was easier to move out when we were younger. Maybe your husband has forgotten how expensive it is to be independent? I understand where he is coming from saying your son should move out at 24 but if you feel he's not ready that should be the priority. My sister sets aside the rent from her son (if you're financially able to do this) for her son to use as a house deposit/rental deposit etc. Her son is unaware of this.

It's great he's contributing to the home. I think your husband needs to have more patience. At some point your son will want more independence. I remember moving out at 21 and loving having my own place with my friend. I'm sure he won't want to stay at home with you and his younger brothers forever.

If you don't already I would slowly get him to do everything for himself. Washing, cooking etc. help him be independent in readiness for when he moves. Your husband just may need to wait it out a bit until your son is ready. He sounds like he's been understanding so far. I'm sure he can wait longer and he needs to be kind and loving towards your son. Take care.

Maybe it is a different demographic but none of my friend’s children in their mid twenties live at home-zero (except for short stays).

There is no way I would want to live with young adults when I am getting old (had my children fairly late), and I don’t think it is good for them either. I moved into a shared house with uni friends age 21, as soon as I got my first job. I will help my children financially if they need it, but I would expect them to be standing on their own two feet age 24.

Parents and children need to develop adult relationships when they are adults, not extend childhood in an unhealthy codependency for years on end.

I know the above view won’t be popular on this site.

It’s a different one because he never lived with you before 17. Like others I wonder why once you’d got your feet on the ground didn’t get your son living with you.

There’s going to be lots of emotional reasons he likely stays with you now as well as possibly financially as housing is so expensive.

Your dh however new he was marrying a women with a older child… guess it was convenient for him he didn’t live with you and I ponder if his more of the reason you didn’t get your child back in your 20’s

In the south east, rent for a room in a shared house is £800 month, rent for a one bed flat, £1,200 and cheapest house prices £200k. Please explain how a single man possible on a low wage can afford these prices. Most of my friends have adult children living with them until late 20s. It’s normal. Not right but normal. When the next govt start building council houses that may improve 😂

I can't believe so many people are saying the son should move out.

Move out to where?
If people mean he should rent, that will make the guys life very difficult to ever be a home owner.

Has he got money for a deposit?
Are they in an area where its feasible to buy on one wage?

I think what would make sense would be to encourage the lad to save in a lifetime ISA for a deposit. Because even in a relatively low cost area once people are renting its impossible to save for a deposit.

I agree. Your husband saw a 17 year old as a grown man. Wait until his kids are that age and he will realise how young 17 actually is. My child would come first.

Exactly a year older than when op had him, potentially two after a pregnancy and probably still at school.

@Imustgoforarun ,

OK.

Well, firstly, forget buying a house or renting an entire flat. Sharing a house with mates (or strangers) is how young people need to start.

Living at home isn’t for nothing, so OP can donate whatever it costs her for her son to live at home (say £200 a month). That leaves him £600 to find.

If a 24 year old has any kind of a reasonable job, he will be left with £1,500 at least. He can live on £900, especially in a shared house. There is only one of him.

And, hopefully, his salary will only go up over time.

This.

I did think all the ‘he should be moving out and in his own place’, give him a date, must have no idea about the housing situation in this country.

I feel very sorry for your son in this.
You are trying to do the right thing by your son, but have this man whining in your ear like a child.
I would get the Ick from your husband.
I think you need to stand up for yourself and tell him to stop whining to you.
He knew you had a child.
I really feel for your son having seen you marry and start another family but not have him live with you.
You owe your son so much more than this whiny man.
I understand your husband may not like this situation but he doesn't get to whine at you about it.
Your debt to your son is greater than to your husband.
I don't know how you would broach this with your son without wounding him.
If he has a social life it's only time before he meets someone.

feels like DS bares the brunt of being a burden again. Even though he’s paying his way.

what are the concrete reasons that your DH is complaining about? Or is just Ds being there that’s the problem

My eldest daughter is 24 soon and I'm ready for her to move out! It's hard living with another adult at times. I can see why your dh might find it hard.

On the flip side moving out is so expensive for youngsters now.

@Newbutoldfather perhaps have a read of OP’s posts again. You might pick up that this is not a “normal” situation, and is certainly not comparable to yours.
OP is not old. She’s 40.
She had her son at age 16, then abandoned him. She then settled down and got married, but still left her son with the relative, while going on to have 2 nice shiny new kids. Her son was allowed to move in 5 years later, because he was unhappy where he was. Finally he gets to live with his Mum. But he’s not welcome, her husband doesn’t want him there, despite the fact that he works, pays his way, is pleasant and friendly, gets on with his half siblings etc.
And despite his mother’s rejection for the first 17 years of his life, you think she should be kicking him out, to avoid the risk of “codependency”. Wow.

@Tumbleweed101 did you pick up that this isn’t a standard situation? Did you notice that the son has only been allowed to live with his mum for a few years?

:( he enjoys being sociable with his mum and her partner doesn’t like it.

poor thing

@MumblesParty ,

Quite the passive aggressive tone!

Yes I do. You can’t trade a lack of a relationship aged 4 with a relationship aged 24. They are different things.

The ‘boy’ is now a fully formed adult man and needs to relate to his mother adult to adult.

WTF is it with infantilisation of adults on this site?

At 24 your son should be encouraged, by you, to save for a deposit for his own home and he should have a goal of when he will move out. Age 25 sounds great.
Will he have a boarder with him?
Will he buy a flat, a house etc.
Help your son grow up and be confident and independent.
Your DH is right.
You do have your son at home with you but the aim of parenting is to enable the young one to fly the coop.

I would not entertain a friendship where the other person was emotionally blackmailing (be it once or regularly).
But this is your partner, the person you are meant to rely on and trust. Stand by each other.
Instead, he wants you to pick him over one of your children.
Despicable behaviour from a parent (any parent)
Your son and partner may not have much in common, but the love of you and his family with you should be enough to see this through.
I doubt it will be forever and DS will strike for independence.
I understand how precious this time is for you and your son.
Explain to your husband why he needs to back off and stop complaining. If he can't or won't he has a choice.
I wish you and your children well 🌻

He needs his own place, love. Is there a girlfriend?

He's navigated the unhappy start and the difficult adolescence with your help, but that's a long time ago now.

A grown man with a job and an income needs to have a home of his own.

You trying to cling on to the lost years is not healthy for you, for him, or your husband. It's infantilising him.

Having another man living in his family home wasn't what your husband signed up for.

Birds sometimes shove their young out of the nest to get them flying. You can do this with more finesse, but it's time for your son to launch with your love and support.

And as I seem to suggest a lot - maybe some therapy for you to work through what happened to you as a young girl.