Is this too much?! Would I be mad to go back?

[Saturdayfeelingsallweek]

I split up with my bf of a year and half about 4 weeks ago. It was my decision to leave as he was becoming controlling, possessive and argumentative.
Since we have broken up I blocked him on my phone and Instagram. But left him archived on my WhatsApp.
There was no contact for around 3 days after I left, then he started to whatsapp me, some days being about 100 messages a day, full of promises of moving in together, him getting counselling, us getting counselling together, marriage…whatever I want just as long as I take him back.
He turned up at my house with flowers a week after we had split up. I agreed to a phone call in the hope that it might make him realise that I didn’t want to reconcile.
The messages continued, ranging from the begging to him being quite angry.
We had 2 further calls, after him begging to speak.
I made it perfectly clear I had no intention of us getting back together.
Anyway the messages have continued until I feel like I have been completely worn down and agreed to a counselling session together and asked him to leave me alone until then.
He again didn’t stop with the messaging so I blocked him on WhatsApp too.
That is when the emails started, plus him calling from 2 numbers I didn’t know he had. I suspected they were him and didn’t answer but he left a voicemail.

After all of this…is he absolutely batshit crazy or is he right in saying he can completely change, is that even possible?!
Or am I completely bonkers to even be considering giving him another chance and trying the counselling?
So confused, I know what I want but he makes all these promises and I can’t help thinking about how life could be so good together if he did all that promised.

“It was my decision to leave as he was becoming controlling, possessive and argumentative”.

This is just more of the same.

@Saturdayfeelingsallweek please be very careful, this is a dangerous time when an abuser loses control. Please contact the Police and give them all the evidence of stalking and ask them to put a marker on your home.
Also contact Womens Aid and try and get on the Freedom programme so you are better informed to be able to avoid getting into relationships with controlling men.
If you choose to go back to him he will expect to control every aspect of your life and it will be very hard to get out again.
Wishing you well for your future. 🌺

Advice I got from the police……
Send one message saying….”please don’t contact me again or I will be involving the police”. Keep any emails he sends and do contact the police. It is harassment, you have asked him to leave you alone and he isn’t doing so,

Thank you all for the advice today, I’m feeling much more positive. I sent a message earlier today stating that I would inform the police if he tried to contact me again.

@ButternutSoup thank you for this, I will definitely take a look.
the things you said have made me realise that when we started dating I was very vulnerable, I had just been through an awful break up (it was really too soon for me to be dating) and was suffering with an eating disorder. The problems got worse as I have become stronger and gained more confidence, I suspect because he wasn’t able to control me the same.

I can see a restraining order being sought.

I had a relationship with someone who behaved very similarly to this. I felt the same as you say "he makes all these promises and I can’t help thinking about how life could be so good together if he did all that promised."
I was so confused with the mixed messaging.
Unfortunately, I stayed with him and had children with him and consequently my decision to stay with him has now devastated my life in so many ways.

You've only been with him for a year and a half, hopefully you can be stronger than me and break free and never ever look back. It strongly sounds like he has narcissistic traits and is getting "narcissistic supply" from you, in which case it's not love from his side, although you may feel lots of love for him.

I strongly recommend that you end the ambiguity and cut all contact immediately, if he continues send the email PP said above telling him that you are contacting the police as you find his continued contact threatening.
In fact, I would report it to the police now anyway because I actually think you could already be in danger.
Certainly do not entertain a joint counselling session.

All the attention is flattering, and it's hard when a relationship you had hopes for ends, but this is not a proper relationship unfortunately. Narcissists are dangerous and like leeches who will eventually suck all life force out of you, or worse.

Sorry to be so negative, but I can so clearly see here what a younger me didn't want to see, and I really wish I had. There are lots of lovely people out there to have relationships with instead!

That's very sensible of you.
Keep posting if you find it helpful.

Have you looked into Clare’s law? He sounds dangerous to me. Please take care of yourself

Good job, OP! I hope he slinks away quietly.

I clicked on wrong option. I wouldn't entertain going back. He sounds very disturbed. He needs independent therapy. I hope he goes for this. Take care OP.

Is his name Jamie? Sounds like my abusive narc ex. I was getting a hundred missed calls then like another fifty etc he eventually beat and battered me was arrested and found guilty in court twice!! He then did it to the next few women too and had previous for stalking a young girl!! IF you do consider getting back with him or maybe just for informations sake so you know, please do a Clare’s law police request.
strangely my ex is now with a copper!! I can’t fathom it either!!!!

Been there and I did contact the police. They came round and took my statement and logged it. They said it had to be 2 separate occasions shown where you told them not to contact you then they could charge with harassment. Luckily my warning of if you contact me again I'm calling the police worked

Block him now, don't leave him archived.

OP I really think that you should be very proud of yourself for having the strength to realise how wrong this is and go no contact after you've been in abusive relationships before. I think that you also need to understand that you are at a pivotal point and if you go back you will become so entrenched that it will be so much harder to leave. You have done the right thing keep going forward and do not look back....ever.

100% this.

@Saturdayfeelingsallweek You are welcome. That makes sense that he got his claws in while you were in a weakened and vulnerable state. I've also struggled with an eating disorder and I know how damaging it can be to one's sense of self.

I had that experience with a past relationship - I had recently had to leave a toxic, bullying workplace which had triggered a relapse and breakdown, and he found me on Facebook - I didn't see the red flags - living with him for a few months eroded my self-esteem, my weight ballooned, I developed a weird rash that wouldn't go away, and I was so miserable. He would gaslight me and make me doubt my own perception of reality. I controlled my every movement. I started to suspect he had NPD and went online and found Dana's videos, and it was eye-opening. Within two weeks I'd kicked him out; he stalked me for a while but luckily gave up.

Looking back now, I can't believe I was in such a bad space to fall for this absolutely insane, absurd and horrible person - but he charmed me. I also grew up with narcissistic and abusive parents so maybe in some ways it felt familiar.

Lots of therapy and self-care later and I found a wonderful man who displayed all the opposite traits of the abusive guy, and we have been together for seven happy years now. He is devoted to me and loves me unconditionally, and I have grown into someone much stronger person. Am still learning how to set boundaries etc and not be a doormat to narcissistic people, but it's much better than it was.

I see you have sent your final 'don't contact me' message - very well done. Please let the police know and maybe increase your home security - I don't want to scare you but I also know that this is a dangerous time, when the abuser feels he is losing control he will often go to desperate measures.

This is terrifying.

This would be the worst decision you could possibly make.

1. He clearly hasn't changed as he has been essentially stalking you for four weeks
2. Is it even possible to have a personality change in 4 weeks?
3. Do you really believe, in light of his behaviour, that he has changed?

Come on. You know the answer here. I would urge you to cancel the counselling and report to the police.

After total silence since last Wednesday (it has been lovely!) I’ve had an email today, asking when I’d like to go for counselling.
I’m not replying but preparing for a run of these kind of emails now. The police informed me that 3 in a row, without a response counts as harassment.

Ha! What a surprise that he didn't stick to his "I think it's time to move on" stance - he thought that would have you begging him to come back! Stay strong OP.

I'm so glad you have sought help. If you become scared for your life do not hesitate to call woman's refuge and temporarily go into a refuge.

I've seen far far to many woman killed even after seeking help from police to say calling them alone will protect you. I'm sure it won't come to that but if you become concerned for your safety demand your placed into protective housing.

Absolutely ignore him!
No way should you have joint counselling with an abuser.

You're doing well!

As tempting as it might be to reply, in order to set him straight, get your point heard, make him understand, don't. There is no reasonable two way conversation to be had, this is a one man campaign and it actually matters very little what you say to him, he's out for himself. He doesn't give a shit about you, despite what he says. He is disordered, and deluded.

He will try every trick in the book to get a response from you, and will probably cycle through them all. He is desperate for a response, but you do not owe him one.

The only counselling I'd be attending would be some for yourself, which I'd book asap.

Log everything, go and stay with a friend for a bit if you feel you need to, it wouldn't be an overreaction.