Is this too much?! Would I be mad to go back?

[Saturdayfeelingsallweek]

I split up with my bf of a year and half about 4 weeks ago. It was my decision to leave as he was becoming controlling, possessive and argumentative.
Since we have broken up I blocked him on my phone and Instagram. But left him archived on my WhatsApp.
There was no contact for around 3 days after I left, then he started to whatsapp me, some days being about 100 messages a day, full of promises of moving in together, him getting counselling, us getting counselling together, marriage…whatever I want just as long as I take him back.
He turned up at my house with flowers a week after we had split up. I agreed to a phone call in the hope that it might make him realise that I didn’t want to reconcile.
The messages continued, ranging from the begging to him being quite angry.
We had 2 further calls, after him begging to speak.
I made it perfectly clear I had no intention of us getting back together.
Anyway the messages have continued until I feel like I have been completely worn down and agreed to a counselling session together and asked him to leave me alone until then.
He again didn’t stop with the messaging so I blocked him on WhatsApp too.
That is when the emails started, plus him calling from 2 numbers I didn’t know he had. I suspected they were him and didn’t answer but he left a voicemail.

After all of this…is he absolutely batshit crazy or is he right in saying he can completely change, is that even possible?!
Or am I completely bonkers to even be considering giving him another chance and trying the counselling?
So confused, I know what I want but he makes all these promises and I can’t help thinking about how life could be so good together if he did all that promised.

He doesn't love you, he's annoyed that you've taken back control from him. If he loved and respected you he would give you space not harass you and get angry when you say no.

If he had any interest in changing himself to make the relationship better then he had the whole time you were together to do so.

And I think if you get back with him nothing will change, in fact it will probably get a lot worse when he realises than you'll go back to him if he just pressures you enough and says the right things to manipulate you. In short, run!!

Don't go to counselling with him.
Don't even think about getting back with him - why would you? Because he's worn you down and you think it would be easier than dealing with the calls, emails and WhatsApp?
He doesn't respect your "no". Did he respect you as a person when you were a couple?
I think you should seek police and/or legal advice as that level of contact is excessive and harassing.

Yes you would be mad to go back - how can there be any doubt?
100 messages a day, suicide threats etc is not normal behaviour. Be warned by all the other messages on here. Don't respond to him in any way.

This is controlling and abusive

You finished the relationship because of controlling behaviour. How is his behaviour now any different ? And why on earth are you considering joint counselling with this man ? If his controlling possessive and argumentative behaviour was enough for you to end the relationship, then he’s abusive, and you don’t seek counselling with your abuser.

He’s still abusive. He’s stalked you until he’s worn you down and you’ve agreed to counselling, and he’s still stalking you - to the point where he’s using phone numbers you don’t recognise to try to talk to you.

Cancel the counselling, block him on phone and social media, and call the police to log it. He won’t change and the behaviour will escalate if you get back with him. He’s dangerous.

This is manipulation and controlling/ obsessive behaviour- have you contacted the police?

Stand your ground it will not be any different- why should you go to counselling anyway so you can see things ‘his way.’

So tell him no you won’t go to counselling (as there is no need) and that its over then block him on everything, change your number and get a ring doorbell so you only answer the door to people you know.

He will get much worse if you go back - he will have won - his behaviour will have worked!!!

Never go back and get police support if needed.

100 messages a day! If that's not a red flag I don't know what is.

I have RTFT - I think you would benefit most from counselling on your own.

You seem to be quite persuadable to this type of treatment and harassment, which is a red flag. You don’t want to have a difficult everyday life with a controlling man or bring children into such a relationship. It is not romantic or any reflection of deep feelings for you on his part, it is a nightmare.

This is harassment and is completely unacceptable. Report him to the police, otherwise he will continue to think this is an ok way to behave towards women.

Thank you, I did wonder this myself if I could do with counselling. Maybe it is something I will look into on my own.
I have had a previous abusive relationship, which took me 12 years to find the strength to leave.

He’s still trying to control you.

Having had an abusive relationship previously you are more likely to have another so counselling to understand why you got in another would be good for you.
Have you done the freedom programme?

If he truly loved you and wasn't just wanting to manipulate you back into a relationship, he would work on bettering himself BEFORE he asked for another chance. He would already be in counselling and working on himself. Instead, he is hoping to get you to go to counselling with him, which will, I predict, consist of him gaslighting you, lying to the counselor and manipulating everything around him until he wears you and your self-confidence down to zip.

I missed the one post where he turned it around on you and acted like you were the one "being dumped". I truly hope he now leaves you alone since he feels he "won". Crossing fingers for you that this is the end of it. You deserve much better!

If you need counselling before you have even moved in together something is very very wrong, You shouldn't be together.

You would benefit from doing the Freedom Programme.

Run OP, and don't look back.
Block him, and keep a log in case you should ever need it. I hope you won't.

Molly McClaren is a sorely missed by her friends and family. Don’t become his victim. Report him to the police.

You need to stay far away from this one.

You're in baby reindeer territory. Run.

Run as fast and as far away as you can

Please report this to the police!

Stalking behavioursEach stalking situation is unique and stalkers may have different motivations. The tactics they use are often very similar.
These include:

• Following someone
• Contacting or attempting to contact a person by any means
• Publishing material about someone without their consent
• Monitoring someone’s phone, internet, email or other form of communication
• Loitering in a public or private place
• Interfering with someone’s property
• Leaving unwanted gifts or notes for someone
• Watching or spying on someone

Please run and don't look back. I studied psychology and I know one shouldn't diagnose over one post, but he has all the hallmark behaviour of an abusive narcissist or perhaps borderline personality disorder with high narcissistic traits.

These are dangerous, manipulative people. These are the kinds of men who wear their wives/girlfriends' self-esteem down over years. The kind of men who hurt their partners, or even kill them if they try to leave.

He has shown he has absolutely no respect for boundaries; rather than seeing you as a proper human being with your right to your own feelings, he sees you as a challenge and a source of narcissistic supply.

Dana Morningstar's YouTube channel, 'Thrive After Abuse', is very helpful for identifying if your partner is narcissistic and gives advice on how to get out and stay out of a relationship with these dangerous and disordered people. She also talks about how we can identify the parts of ourselves that make us vulnerable to them (often they will target kind, empathetic people who are vulnerable or may be going through a hard time, and they will charm and love bomb the pants off them).

You deserve a sane, kind, respectful person - they are out there - I married one! Don't settle for this nightmare and waste years or decades of your life only to become a traumatised shell of your former self. You deserve the best things like has to offer! Please stay safe and protect yourself.

T

Harassment, control and the angry messages are a further red flag.

Block him. A healthy person wanting a second chance sends one message, not a hundred. This is scary and abnormal behaviour. Just repeating what other posters have said in the hope that the sheer number of people saying the same thing will tell you something. You are not cruel or heartless - nobody should ever stay in a relationship as a favour anyway, and in your case leaving the relationship is potentially saving your life (and yourself from abuse). Please have nothing more to do with him and look after yourself, OP.

He is 🦇, you’re dodging a bullet there!