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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this too much?! Would I be mad to go back?

200 replies

Saturdayfeelingsallweek · 12/06/2024 10:07

I split up with my bf of a year and half about 4 weeks ago. It was my decision to leave as he was becoming controlling, possessive and argumentative.
Since we have broken up I blocked him on my phone and Instagram. But left him archived on my WhatsApp.
There was no contact for around 3 days after I left, then he started to whatsapp me, some days being about 100 messages a day, full of promises of moving in together, him getting counselling, us getting counselling together, marriage…whatever I want just as long as I take him back.
He turned up at my house with flowers a week after we had split up. I agreed to a phone call in the hope that it might make him realise that I didn’t want to reconcile.
The messages continued, ranging from the begging to him being quite angry.
We had 2 further calls, after him begging to speak.
I made it perfectly clear I had no intention of us getting back together.
Anyway the messages have continued until I feel like I have been completely worn down and agreed to a counselling session together and asked him to leave me alone until then.
He again didn’t stop with the messaging so I blocked him on WhatsApp too.
That is when the emails started, plus him calling from 2 numbers I didn’t know he had. I suspected they were him and didn’t answer but he left a voicemail.

After all of this…is he absolutely batshit crazy or is he right in saying he can completely change, is that even possible?!
Or am I completely bonkers to even be considering giving him another chance and trying the counselling?
So confused, I know what I want but he makes all these promises and I can’t help thinking about how life could be so good together if he did all that promised.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 12/06/2024 14:20

Jeeeeeeesus Christ.

Do not even THINK about getting back with this man. He's a complete nutjob.

Honestly, there are more red flags here than at a Soviet rally.

haddockfortea · 12/06/2024 14:32

Would you be mad to go back to him? Yes. Totally mad. You would have to be absolutely stark raving bonkers to go back to someone who is this abusive and controlling.

Please, please don't let him browbeat, blackmail, threaten, or in any other way persuade you to let him back into your life.

You need to block him on every available channel of communication and if he continues to find other ways of contacting you, report him to the police.

Ifyoucouldreadmymindlove · 12/06/2024 14:57

With respect, are you off your fucking rocker? You're actually considering getting back with this controlling maniac?

CactusMactus · 12/06/2024 15:22

Phone the police.
Phone the stalkers helpline.
Block him.
Tell a friend or family member what is going on.

UnpackingBooksFromBoxes · 12/06/2024 15:22

Stalking and harassment, report him to the police and ask about Clare’s Law in case he’s done anything like this before.

LuluBlakey1 · 12/06/2024 15:25

Have you posted about him before- did you go on holiday without him after he refused to drive you to the airport?

CactusPeach · 12/06/2024 15:25

He's batshit crazy and trying to control and manipulate your feelings, you are holding on to fantasy and the hope it can work out, his excessive behaviour does NOT indicate he is crazy in love with you and that's why he's acting as he is.

skyeisthelimit · 12/06/2024 15:28

It was my decision to leave as he was becoming controlling, possessive and argumentative. He then continues to act this way, ramps up the harassment until you break, then tells you that you won't be committed enough. and you wonder if you would be mad to go back?!

Run and don't look back. Make sure he is blocked on every available channel. If the harassment starts again, then contact the police.

ClawedButler · 12/06/2024 15:28

He's repeatedly and very clearly shown you that he does not respect you or your boundaries.

He's made it abundantly clear that this is about him being in control (getting you to agree to things, getting you to answer, him changing to be the one deciding to call it off) not him being in love.

If I were you I would seriously consider contacting the police. This sort of thing can escalate.

BigDahliaFan · 12/06/2024 15:31

Screen shot it all. Keep it. Then tell him that you don't want to hear from him anymore and report to police. This is harassment.

Iamnotalemming · 12/06/2024 15:34

Keep yourself safe and away from this angry arrogant potentially dangerous man.
Report him to the police, block, get a ring doorbell, ask a friend to stay for a few days or you go to them.
You need distance and space from this abusive situation to appreciate how entangled you are.
You can and will be happier without him.
Good luck and do come back here to the vipers if you want support. 💐

ChinaBlueBell · 12/06/2024 15:35

He is stalking you. Please, do not agree to meet or talk to him again for your own wellbeing and safety. Report him to the police and keep a diary of everything that is going on.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 12/06/2024 15:35

I would go to the police now OP

You might think that's an overreaction, or you should give it more time, he's not done anything really bad

But this is one more manifestation of his controlling and possessive nature

You need to get authorities involved now

Verv · 12/06/2024 15:37

Do not go back with this man, fucking hell he's trying to bully stalk and harass you into it, hardly the best sign for a healthy future is it?

Give your head a shake!

Happyher · 12/06/2024 15:42

Tell the police and get a restraining order. He’s dangerous

MsMarch · 12/06/2024 15:46

Agree with all the other posters. Will add this question:

In all these thousands of messages and calls about the things he will do to win you back.... has he made any effort to do even one yet?

I thought so.

DH and I nearly broke up many years ago. I told him it was over unless he sought immediate help. He had his first session less than a week later. 20 odd years later, we are still together.

Inyournewdress · 12/06/2024 15:47

This whole story reminds me of some very serious cases I have heard about. Please ask the police to check his history.

I would go and stay with a friend or family member for a while if possible. Whatever you do make sure the entrances to your home are secure, and do not under any circumstances let him in.

gardenmusic · 12/06/2024 15:48

Actually, the girl who lived down the road had a very similar story.
She has been dead for 18 months.
Stop engaging. Speak to the police, even if he has a new girlfriend.

Cityenergy · 12/06/2024 15:51

Or am I completely bonkers to even be considering giving him another chance and trying the counselling?

Yes, you would be stark raving bonkers.

He is still controlling. He is still seeking to control you by getting you to stop doing what you wanted ( break up with him) and get you to do what he wants ( get back with him). so that he can continue to enjoy controlling you even more.

This is harassment and stalking and you can report this to the police.

jessycake · 12/06/2024 16:01

You are not responsible for his feelings or responsible in the unlikely event he did harm himself .

Howbizarre22 · 12/06/2024 16:04

Noooooo OP nooooooo!! And you know it!!!

Gillyyy · 12/06/2024 16:05

Hi, it sounds like you haven’t blocked him yet on social media and he’s still able to contact you, is there a reason you don’t feel ready to block him?

Can you speak to friends and family about it and spend more of your time with them to keep busy? I think it’s important for them to know the situation so they can support you.

It must be so hard as this is someone you trusted, but there are so many signs that he is potentially dangerous and has no respect for your boundaries. I think you need to treat this seriously as we don’t know what he is capable of.

I hope you can still find it but there’s a Stacey Dooley documentary on iplayer about stalking - my friend had a ex boyfriend turned stalker, sending flowers and letters and turning up unannounced, trying to ‘win her back’. The documentary really helped her see it was stalking behaviour and could be dangerous if it escalated.

Just to reiterate:
Keep a record of everything with screenshots
Always let someone know where you are going
report to the police - this will also help to build a case if he ever does something like this to another girl

ErickBroch · 12/06/2024 16:06

I would be ready to inform the police on 101. I had this happen to me from an abusive, controlling ex and police had to become involved for a variety of reasons. Getting back with him is beyond belief - I would be more worried he is going to hurt you.

SquirrelSoShiny · 12/06/2024 16:07

He's showing you that he's a psychopath. You are his property.

Start keeping a log of contact and get advice from the police. Don't resume contact under any circumstances.