To think it is not normal to be at a bar at 1.30am with work

[Peonii]

Just need to be told I'm being insane.

DH in Germany having meetings. It's an early start tomorrow. He messaged at 10pm saying they're in the bar and will call when he's back in his room in an hour... He still hasn't called.

AIBU to think one wouldn't be out until 1.30am at a bar if you have an early start the next day?

I think many people on here have been quite unkind . It’s probably the mn demographic of people that work away. I do not think yabu to expect your dh to call you if he says that is what he is going to do. I hope you got some sleep and feel more like your self soon

You're not his Mother! No one should be dictating an appropriate bedtime for a grown man (or woman).

There's a distinct air of control and suspicion to couples who can't be apart without messaging/ringing hourly (when you know exactly where they are!?).
There's nothing 'cool' partner either about giving a person space to relax and enjoy themselves.
I'd be seriously pissed off if my husband tried to impose a curfew on me - I'd probably make a point of staying out as late as possible 😂

Assuming it's me you are referring to as a "cool girl" and I can absolutely assure you I am not bothered in the slightest about speaking to my partner once a week or I wouldn't post to say that. So thank your for considering me cool... it's not quite an insult you were hoping for. I'd rather be a cool girl than someone who doesn't trust his adult spouse to get himself through the day without supervision. I have a life, I don't have time or inclination to check up on my partner who managed to survive until the ripe age of 45 without me checking if he got to his hotel OK.

i also think pp miss the point, dh says he will call and then doesn’t, this is not different to saying I’ll take the rubbish out and then dh forgets. It’s the thoughtlessness that is causing the problem.

Aaah bless you OP, you're in the trenches right now but it really, really does get easier.

Hang in there, have a big chat when he gets back and talk about how you can try and reconnect as a couple during this hectic time. It's bloody hard to juggle it all, you have nothing but sympathy from me. At least you can take a tiny, teeny bit of slightly mean comfort that he'll be knackered today right along with you.

Swear some mumsnetters forget how haggard the first couple of years of babyhood can make you, they can strain even the strongest of marriages.

Definitely yes on work trips, in fact, it's pretty much expected you'll be eating and drinking on the company's credit card until the early hours.

It's not a "cool girl" thing. I'm the one in my relationship that goes on work trips and stays up late with colleagues leaving my baby behind. My husband knows how it is and leaves me to it! It's just one night and a text to say you're fine is enough.

Hes on a work trip. He probably thinks you are asleep as you have a 1 year old. Be sensible no one really likes being monitored from a distance or feeling obliged to call it makes for resentment. He probably is enjoying himself especially as you say it been tough recently. That doesn't mean he's turning into a monster husband or think the grass is greener. When he calls you tomorrow don't be all cross and paranoid, it won't make him miss you and look forward to coming home. Hopefully you will get some me /adult time soon.

Genuine question - have you ever travelled abroad for work?

It's not the same as being in the office where you close your laptop at 5.30pm and you're done. There are countries that I've visited where it would be a heinous insult to your hosts to not accept their hospitality in whatever form that may take, even if it means being in a bar at 1.30. After the third or fourth day, it's absolutely knackering, and all you want to do is go to your hotel room, order room service and have a long bath, but you suck it up, because at the end of the day, it's work.

What is it that you nasty lot fail to see in the poor OPs last post that she isn't doing so well at the moment? Just look at yourselves! Vile.

Poor you OP. Have you spoken with your health visitor or doctor recently? I'm thinking a chat with someone about how you are feeling is a good idea. 💐

Good god! Cool
Girls because we don't need to know exactly when our husbands left the bar and went to their room?

If I was the husband, with such a controlling wife, I'd be out of there. Exactly the same ax if my husband insisted I left the bar and went to my room and rung him from there.

Or I'd just appease his insecurity and return to the bar and carry on with my night, but if OP found out that he'd done that, that would also be wrong?

I honestly can't think in what world it's ok for OP to insist that he goes to bed at a certain time so he can ring her, when he is away with work.

What are you saying he's done wrong? Said he'd be an hour, then got into a conversation? How shameful of him, LTB!

Was thinking the same @marmaladeandpeanutbutter have the last few posters not read the OP's update. She is struggling. People are still harping on about the rights and wrongs of a phonecall.

If OP is not coping that's a whole separate issue.

She has asked if it is normal for someone to be in a bar at 1.30am when away for work... those of us who travel regularly for work have told her that yes it is. And even though it's in a bar, it's is still work.

If the roles were reversed, and the dad was at home freaking out that he hadn't heard from Mom away on a work trip, wasn't coping at home with the baby etc. the majority of posters would be saying he's pathetic for not just getting on with it, why can't he look after his own child for a few days when Mum is away etc etc

I've read it, yes she does need to get help. But it's no excuse for this type of behaviour and she needs to address it.

If it's in a hotel bar and the meeting is in the same hotel I would say it's very common.

Done it on several ocassions.

Entertaining clients is never fun. You have to drink with them, listen to their crap and keep a tight rein on what you say.

I did it for years and HATED it.

Honestly op I can really understand why you feel miserable, even if you know technically he's not doing anything wrong.
It's hard when you're in the gritty stage of looking after young children and your partner goes off and has fun without you, and you're sat worrying he's enjoying himself more than he does with you at the moment.
But the reality is, looking after a one year old often isn't fun, that doesn't mean you can't sometimes have fun together but you'll get it back in time I'm sure.

It would probably do you good to arrange a catch up with a friend one evening and leave him with your baby so you can get out and have a bit of fun yourself.

Hi OP, I’ve been where you are with post natal health. Please see your GP, help is available and it is life changing. I was at my worst at 12 months post party on DC3. I still shudder at it.

You need mental health support and you need actual support - can you get an au pair or even a local teenager to mind Dc while you sleep / go for a run/ have a bath?

However, I also worked in a role where I traveled a lot and staying out late while having to get up early was the norm. So don’t worry about that.

Try to have a calm discussion when your DH gets home - after you have both had a rest. And be honest, then work together to get a solution. Mine was an au pair for 8 months; then a local teenager 2-3 times a week for 2 years. As well as therapy, mindfulness and time to myself doing a new hobby. Please feel free to PM me if you need anything.

Absolutely normal in my experience.

I’m glad you got the call in the end.
And thanks for letting us know
Please ignore 90% of what’s been written. They’re so up themselves.

Ummmmm.... I don't think it's the posters saying they wouldn't be bothered who are "up themselves". The complete opposite actually 😐

90% are all up themselves?

Really?

This.

It sucks at times. But it was part of DH's job. Its difficult to say to an important foreign client, ooh its getting late and my wife needs me to call. That says to them they aren't the centre of the known universe and your priority. Unfortunately whilst your wife should be the priority in practice, in trips like this you have to effectively suck it up. Thats why you are on the business trip, not someone else.

The issue of you not coping back at home, is a separate one. Its an important one, but this isn't about whether its normal for your husband to be out late whilst on a trip to Germany.

You don't have to like it. You do have to understand its effectively part of the job which pays your bills. If its an issue then your husband needs to look for an alternative job in the long term. But short term, it is what it is. You have to deal with it.

DS was a little older, but not much, when DH was doing this. I'm glad hes not still doing it. DH is glad hes not still doing it, though he does miss some of it. It used to annoy me if DH didn't ring/text when he said he would, and I have got annoyed in the past. It isn't easy. But the job was a really good one and opened the door to what came next and was worth it. And honestly, its better at that age rather than at an age when the kids start to miss Daddy. You just go into survive until the end of the week mode rather than thinking about more.

But the OP was about whether it was normal for this to happen when in Germany on a work trip, not whether the OP's husband should continue to do it for WHATEVER reason. It is normal.

He's was probanly either having fun, glad to escape the mundanity of parenting and domesticity for a short while (lucky him) or has fallen asleep.

I think you're overthinking this. He probably thinks it's too late to call you. He could send a message instead, but maybe he thought he didn't want to disturb you. When DP worked away a lot I would message I was going to bed if he hadn't called. If you are worried about him, message him.