To think it is not normal to be at a bar at 1.30am with work

[Peonii]

Just need to be told I'm being insane.

DH in Germany having meetings. It's an early start tomorrow. He messaged at 10pm saying they're in the bar and will call when he's back in his room in an hour... He still hasn't called.

AIBU to think one wouldn't be out until 1.30am at a bar if you have an early start the next day?

Good update

Glad you have a positive update, hope things turn round for you soon.

Imagine not trusting your DH that much, must be exhausting.

All because he left a bar a couple of hours late whilst on a work trip.

Lovely update OP! So nice to hear your husband is compassionate and willing to make changes to support you.

I read so many threads on here about men who would get defensive, minimise or attack in these situations - those relationships are doomed. But when you have someone who will hear you out, take you seriously, and genuinely cares you can work together make things better. It will get better! 💐

Fingers crossed he starts to step up!

I mean sure occasionally it's fine to feed grated cheese & not change nappies immediately.

But he should want to do better for his child!

It must be exhausting feeling that a father won't care for his own child well unless there's lots of help/explanation given!

He also needs to start cooking at weekends at least.

My thoughts exactly.

Some very practical advice from me about cooking as this is a huge thing that really needs to change now before you get stuck. DH was the same but he can now do a few basic staples which is a massive help and, more importantly, understands better the all consuming thinking about food, buying food, managing leftovers, eating what needs to be eaten etc etc

We did Hello Fresh for a bit which was a huge help. The instructions are very very simple and walked him through techniques and recipes.

The other option is the "cheat" options to start and then slowly building his confidence. So pasta sauces, casserole packets, meal kits etc

And also get him involved in the thinking - we plan meals every couple of weeks and I force myself to sit on my hands until he comes up with some suggestions!

That's helpful. And 'cheats' are not really cheats - they are quick ways of cooking, which work well. An investment into some cook books - sensible ones, not the sort that demand 50 ingredients for a starter! - is handy for recipe planning - mind, I am a cook bookaholic! - as they list the ingredients and you can make your list from the book.

Could you have baby in nursery 1 or 2 1/2 days?

I am going to be really boring. You have a child of one and you cannot leave her with someone else, even DH, without worrying they will give wrong food etc. You have Post Natal Depression, and it appears no-one has noticed. I had this (and no-one noticed) and got very clingy with my first baby (not helped by ex DH who thought giving me an hour to go and buy a nursing bra was super noble of him and he complained I took too long - at this point I did not drive so I walked to and from the shop; didn't occur to him to drive me and come and fetch me!). Help came in the making of friends and having some times without baby. What also helped much, much later was anti-depressants, which work.
The next thing is this, you can only be a good enough mother. If you are mewed up and making all your DD's food from scratch etc, stop doing so. She will be fine on pre-prepared food and whatever you eat - so if you have burger and chips, so can she (in small quantities - grill the burger), sausages are good, as can be held in her hand, ditto raw veg like carrots. Mine ate curries from about one year old because that was what we ate, with rice and yoghurt. Baby clothes do not have to be ironed, and a bit of sick etc i.e. the chocolate/yoghurt/egg yolk she wiped down her front, doesn't matter unless you are going out. Forget most housework - the house won't die of dust. Hoover once a week, get a dishwasher if you don't have one (unlikely, I know) and go out. Find people not just online (you do not know us and screen time can be a depressant in its self) but perhaps a toddler group (there must still be some) or a La Leche League group etc and go to it. Also, think about going back to work part-time. If you can afford a nanny this will be fine - and a well-qualified nanny will look after DD far better than you (not really, but you won't have to worry about DD!).
Your DH is a good enough father - he doesn't worry too much about changing nappies at once, feeding DD grated cheese (what is wrong with cheese - a good whole food) or that she has slightly grubby clothes. Do likewise.

There is always one....
Why would you come and say that to someone who is clearly struggling with anxieties around her relationship? What is she supposed to do with this?
Please don't project your own insecurities onto others. It's not helpful to anyone. Just because someone is out in a bar at 1.30am, doesn't mean they are cheating, FFS.

She's got post-natal depression - and is trying to be supermum as well (a symptom of depression).

You sound a bit depressed you poor thing. It's really hard getting used to parenthood even with such a lovely baby that you have.

Can you afford to buy some extra help so that you have someone cleaning up in the week? It sounds really tough if your husband isn't much cop with feeding the baby. Hate to say it but could you just only leave prepared food out for him? I know, I know! You shouldn't have to do that but if it stops anxiety then it's worth it.

It might be worth talking to your doctor about PND. I wasn't diagnosed until my child was over one and antidepressants for a while really helped.

I really hope you feel better soon 💐

@Grammarnut I very clearly tagged another user in my post, who says he'd be with a German woman, that's who I was addressing, so not sure why you're lecturing me on OPs position?

Please do enlighten me though.

he just can't cook at all

No, he just CBA to learn.

Unless he is dyslexic or has some kind of physical disability that prevents him from doing so he can cook. He just doesn't want to.

I get frustrated with "can't cook" people. They should be honest and say they just don't want to.

I've forgotten what I said - and am not scrolling through to find out, sorry. The poster seems over-anxious to me. Being in the bar till 2 a.m. when away with customers and working is perfectly normal. Not getting at you - sorry if you thought I was, more likely I tagged the wrong comment.

There's thousands of other reasons apart from being a lawyer 😂
What a stretch.
Stop worrying the OP unnecessarily.

Does he have a curfew? I think you should stop worrying and just let your fully grown man husband get on with his work trip whether or not he’s in a bar working and or having a drink with his colleagues.

Ummm he’s been home for a while. Perhaps try reading the thread 🤨

Im not sure what all these "this type of behaviour" replies are meaning, well obviously yes I know they are implying controlling behaviour, but the husband said he would call in an hour & the wife has waited up for that call, he hasn't called, which reading another post is not the norm for him...I don't get how that equals that the wife is controlling, I mean if we went down that route, how can we not know that the husband demands she answers the phone when he rings, whatever the time day & night. If she doesn't answer a call then he will accuse her of being with someone else, not caring etc, so she dare not go to sleep???

Its just simply something they do, nothing controlling about it. OP I would consider though reassessing that, it's not healthy to be sat waiting at night for a call, because that then has a knock on affect, you are more tired the next day & parenting becomes harder. Maybe if you both feel the need to have to contact each other at night, have it so once a person is greeting ready to go to bed, they just send a message to say:
"I'm going to bed in 10mins, if you're free give us a quick call & if not, have a good evening, speak soon, sweet dreams"
Put your phone on silent & get that much needed sleep.

Business trips are all about networking & that does go beyond those 9-5hrs & if with a client, they can't be getting their phone out or sneaking off for calls that client has to feel like all attention is on them, it could be the difference of closing a deal. Your husband obviously believed he would be finished within the hour, but things took a change, so if you just change it that once it's bedtime the person just sends a text, then he can't get caught out, predicting a finish time & it not going to plan.

OP, you said you aren't doing so well, there is support out there, start at your GP, incase you need medication, look at local charities - do a search on the net of something like postnatal support near me, mental health support near me, mh support for mums/parents near me, etc. Often there are local groups set up - Facebook & Nextdoor is a good place to look, or again search mum & baby groups near me, parent support near me... Etc.
If you want any help looking for places/support local to you, I'd be happy to help you find some, it can seem a bit daunting knowing where to start.

I've been away with work and stayed out until the early hours. We've just lost track of time and enjoyed chatting.
I think it's bit odd that you're staying awake waiting for him to contact you! Unless you're usually awake at 2am on a Saturday night....
Just relax and stop worrying about what he's up to!

Thank you @Marelli that's a very kind offer. I just came across the website Happity and it lists similar such local classes and groups.

Also a small update was DH gave me a lovely gift to have a spa day and massage at a nice hotel in London last night. He said I "work tirelessly for everyone around me and wanted to do something just for me" 🥹

Awww that's really lovely!

we were still drinking at 2 in the morning when we had a work course and we were only in Stratford upon Avon, lol