To think it is not normal to be at a bar at 1.30am with work

[Peonii]

Just need to be told I'm being insane.

DH in Germany having meetings. It's an early start tomorrow. He messaged at 10pm saying they're in the bar and will call when he's back in his room in an hour... He still hasn't called.

AIBU to think one wouldn't be out until 1.30am at a bar if you have an early start the next day?

Any update @Peonii? I would also be worried if my DH didn't call when he said he would if he was out in a different country. When you call his phone, does it ring through? Hope he is OK and you've managed to speak with him 💐

So you're jealous he's able to go at and let his hair down?

Arrange a night out with the girls when he's back.

Hope you're not too tired today OP and he's been in touch!

My husband works away a lot too and Germany is always where he'll end up out till the wee small hours, they like a party.

The OP hasn't said he's turned his phone off. In fact he's already messaged her at least once to update her on his whereabouts.

What do you propose he does instead on the work trip? How would him returning to his hotel room and not socializing help OP? He's still not around at home to help her with the DC.

I'm the one with the job with work trips in our family. If my DH suggested he was entitled to have a weekend off because I'd had the opportunity to 'go away', I'd not be impressed. Most of the time on a work trip I'd far prefer to be able to go back to my hotel room and not socialize with colleagues/clients, but it's part of the job! I, of course, acknowledge that he's picking up everything at home whilst I'm away and we try to work together to minimize that load, but this isn't time off for me!

and that's the issue. Stop doing that. You already spoke to him at 10, there is zero point in another message. Assume everything is fine and move on with your life.
I honestly maybe speak to my partner once or twice a week when either of us are away. I definitely don't expect to know everything about his whereabouts on an hour-by-hour basis.

Honestly?

Depends on the company.

DH has done with certain previous jobs.

Notably the one where he travelled to Germany a lot, did involve drinking with German colleagues. Culturally this is seen as important to building relationships. And yes late nights.

He hasn't done it at every job or on every trip abroad.

So yeah I don't think its that out there.

What's the drip feed OP? There must be more to this

It's the perfect time for him to go out without it having an impact on family life. He is working away, whether he was in bed in his hotel or out with colleagues/clients it isn't going to alter the fact that you are home with DC. You heard from him at 10. Why is that not enough. If I was the one at home, I would be wanting to get as much sleep as I could not sit around waiting for goodnight calls and if I was the one away I would either want to let my hair down and enjoy myself for a bit or take advantage of a quiet hotel room and a bed to myself, have a luxury soak and then uninterrupted sleep

I'm in my 40s and don't drink but stay up with the drinkers until the early hours when on work trips. I don't like going to bed early in case I miss something

Ugh, thread is overrun again with Cool Girls who would NEVER expect their husband to do anything so unreasonable as to reply to a message or make a phone call when he said he would. OP - ignore them. He said he would call and didn’t.

At the very least its disrespectful and a cause for unnecessary worry for you, especially while home alone with a small child. When he’s back, tell him how this makes you feel. It’s actually a very small thing to ask and he should be totally able to do this.

I also don’t believe for one second that the previous posters who claim to be fine with only hearing from their spouse once a week while away on business are actually okay with this.

He said he'd ring, but things went on a bit longer than he thought they would, he's realised it was far too late to ring and disturb you so he hasn't. Perfectly normal. He should probaly have sent a text/WhatsApp but he probably figured that would wake you as well. Ho hum.

Woohoo so heartening to see all the 'team husband' posters here!! What cool little women you are! The audacity of the OP to not just accept that her husband having fun whilst at 'work' in a bar abroad is far more important than boring old domesticity.

Hope you're OK OP! It's understandable you're concerned if it's (a) out of character, and (b) you're needing extra reassurance lately because of problems in the relationship.

But try to not to catastrophise before you know the facts!

I'd just assume my DP's phone had died or he'd gone to sleep. But in past relationships I'd be a wreck!

This.

I agree with every PP who has said this isn't weird. Pretty normal in fact if you're working away - especially when you're meeting people face to face who you haven't seen for a while! I would also feel very rude in front of work colleagues if I kept getting my phone out to check in with my DP.

However I'm going to assume that OP is either worried about him cheating or doesn't trust him judging by the "he hasn't text me goodnight and he doesn't drink" (i.e. he hasn't just fallen into bed pissed). Also the follow up that the relationship has been struggling recently...

Well at least he won't have a bad head like the rest of them.
I cant stay awake later than 10pm.

Op I think you are getting a hard time. I have experienced this and it’s not nice to feel that you are an afterthought or more like a zero thought!

As you can see from the pp it’s quite common

Would the DH skipping out on a client dinner where he might (horrors!) have fun to sit alone in his hotel room make the OP's life better or easier in any way?
Should he have booked a flight home at 5pm and back out to Germany at 4am the next morning so that he wasn't spending a night away?

Having a nice time while you're away on a legitimate work trip is not actually a sin, and we're saying that not because we're handmaidens of the patriarchy, but because we quite like the occasional thrill of a night out and a hotel breakfast ourselves, in situations where having a nice time doesn't actually harm anyone else.

My experience is that it's absolutely the standard to be in a bar to even later than that when travelling. You spend long days discussing business with different suppliers and with your overseas colleagues, who then feel obligated to take you out and show you as much hospitality as they can.

It’s not “cool women” syndrome if we’re Team Husband it’s just letting OP know that sometimes people do stay out late for work drinks. When I did it it was a few years ago and was usually to let off steam and have fun! I’m not saying OP shouldn’t be worried at all but as another poster said his phone could’ve died, and he could be tucked up in bed.

Hey folks, he messaged at 2am asking if I was up, that he's in his room and needs to be up at 6am.

A PP asked what the drip feed was and the backstory. I don't think there is much. I am not doing especially great, I had a huge breakdown before DH left. We had an argument over something really minor and I think I just couldn't take that one more thing and had a horrible breakdown. DH did his best to be comforting but he was probably overwhelmed. I am completely exhausted as he hasn't been around much the last week anyway (work is busy) and sometimes I feel like I'm barely existing. I don't know how people raise kids, I am so exhausted

What on earth are you on about?!?!

Her DH is away WORKING, he text her at 10pm and everyone is saying just chill out and go to sleep. He's working, probably talking away to people he doesn't see regularly and won't want to be rude to get his phone out in front of colleagues / clients to to text his wife (again).

Absolutely nobody has said what you have put in your post 😂

This has nothing to do with being a 'Cool Girl'. If the roles were reversed it would be the exact same.

He's away with work, likely entertaining clients or with his colleagues, there is no emergency at home, just leave him to it. He's also in a country where to nightlife doesn't even really kick off until midnight. Last time I was in Berlin, I got back to my accommodation at 7am.

Like I said, I'm currently away and at the end of a 3 day trip, haven't seen bed before 1.30am as I've been with clients. I couldn't be arsed with a partner at home checking up on me during this time, I might be out at bars, but I'm still working.

Mind you if he'd been up to no good surely he would have just pretended that he'd gone back to his room early and gone to sleep. As it is he has been honest.

When I go away for work dos I'm well known for being one of the last standing. For example being in a bar in Glasgow at 3am before meetings the next day. This is entirely feasible to me.

Poor thing.

it wasn't wrong of him to have a fun night out, but it does mean that he needs to pull his weight more when he gets back.

If he really is still stuck with crazy work hours for the forseeable, is there any other way for you to get help while you're struggling? Family members? Cleaner? Mothers' help? GP?

Do you work yourself? Or is your 1 year old unusually difficult?