To think it is not normal to be at a bar at 1.30am with work

[Peonii]

Just need to be told I'm being insane.

DH in Germany having meetings. It's an early start tomorrow. He messaged at 10pm saying they're in the bar and will call when he's back in his room in an hour... He still hasn't called.

AIBU to think one wouldn't be out until 1.30am at a bar if you have an early start the next day?

@Blarneytalk
Do shut up now. This is about OP, not you.

I never understand this, he’s out with work why would you need to or expect to hear from him? I send a quick goodnight message before I go to sleep (if I remember) and don’t expect a response. You need to leave him to it and if u don’t trust him why are you with him!!

Or @Meetingofminds? Or just me?

Very constructive post though.

I once was at a work conference in Mayfair and stayed out until 4am with lots of colleagues. Including the big bosses, and our overseas partners who had flown in. Great fun. There were men there. Married men. Shock
horror- but all behaved themselves.

The 9am start the next morning wasn’t fun though.

Life is for living.

Please relax. Go to bed and get some kip. It' a receipt for divorce if you keep fretting like this, believe me! Maybe you're jealous or just clingy? You can't keep him on a leash.

I think the problem is your husband. He can’t look after his own child properly and he can’t cook, even when you’re struggling and have no time to yourself. Of course you’re tired if you’re doing all the childcare!

He can look after the baby and the op needs to let him,nothing he is doing is going to harm the baby. so the op needs to let him get on with it.

Op have you spoken to your gp, it could be pnd. If your miserable and exhausted and it’s not the baby, and you’re also suffering separation anxiety, it really is worth taking to your gp.

It’s not PND at this point - you don’t need a doctor. You need a break and a partner that can parent, stop thinking this is you op, it’s not you - it’s him. Most of us raise children together as a team, sharing the parenting and having plenty of rest and breaks at the weekend. This is what you need more than anything else, I hope you can put your foot down and advocate for yourself.

Its a terrible example to your child to grow up witnessing a layabout dad that can’t engage at any level with his own child. What a negative impact it will have, I really wouldn’t want that for my child. Of course you are exhausted but you can change all of this. Good luck 💪🏻

t’s not PND at this point - you don’t need a doctor. You need a break and a partner that can parent, stop thinking this is you op, it’s not you - it’s him

This 💯

I've been on plenty of work nights out where we've ended up in a club by the end of the night. Is it the most sensible thing to do when you have an early start? No ... but it's certainly normal.

I mean unless he is lawyer with a big case on in the morning sounds like a German women has caught his attention. You need to see how he acts when the sun comes up and take it from there

Not the main issue. But why is 'normal' so often seen as desirable? We should delight at going beyond 'normal' whenever possible!

And you’re rude

Germany yes quite possible, very social especially if events. Early starts are of no consequence!

I’ve been to some where I’ve left at midnight as I d an early start and literally been the only one to leave, most stayed for lock-ins till 3am and turned up the next morning looking jaded. All quite normal most of the time.

And I’m ok with that.

I do feel for you.
I know it's a cliche but it will get better and easier.

I wish you and your family health.

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug and say how hard the shift to motherhood is, the impact on my sense of self and identity absolutely knocked me sideways. Sounds like you might be experiencing something similar. I just wanted to assure you that things do ease up and you’ll begin to feel like you again 💐

I hope you're okay.. Perhaps you should see a doctor and talk about how you're feeling? I can understand why you were worried and sometimes late at night it's easy for horrible scenarios to take over in the imagination. Take heart that most people say this is normal behaviour, though really he could have sent a few quick messages from the toilet to reassure you especially as he K ew you were struggling.. I hope he brings you back a thoughtful souvenir! X

I used to be expected to stay up to all hours for work events - especially ones involving clients, and often drinking vodka shots. Luckily I still drank alcohol in those days!

My DH was the poor soul at home wondering where I was. I'd try to text him as much as possible by going to the toilet and updating him but sometimes it wasn't possible. (And if you're a regular on Mumsnet you might have seen me mention the night when someone was pouring double vodkas into my vodka and oranges when I was very ill indeed).

I've also done it from your side - it's horrible when the baby's crying and you don't know if your DH is dead on a ditch or been seduced by a colleague or just drunk. It IS usually the third option. I'm glad he remembered to message you before he fell asleep.

Have a chat when he gets home about how he could try to keep in contact so you don't worry and good luck getting the support you need x

You sound like his mother.

Just wanted to update now DH is back. He did bring me back a bunch of Kinder chocs that aren't available in the UK (and in all my gloominess, even I myself had forgotten he'd gone to the land of Kinder ie. one of my fave chocolates!)

I spoke to him about just how awful I have been feeling. A few PPs said it wasn't PND or a GP that I needed to see, or that parenting can actually be a joy if both parents are being a team - I relayed that to him and he said he felt sad that he was one of the main reasons I was feeling how I am. He agreed it's a good idea he has DC for longer periods of time over the weekend so I get more time to myself. He also said he will definitely cook more. He was generally very supportive and sounded like he was quite busy on his trip.

I am feeling A LOT better purely because he is back. Again, not out of resentment or jealousy. Sometimes when DH is working from home, just the fact that another person is in the house is enough to make me feel like I'm not alone. I know I am literally not alone, but I feel like it isn't a neverending day by myself until DH is back from work.

Lots of PPs have said it will get better and I will feel like myself again. I really really really do hope so. I don't remember the last time I cared about anything I used to enjoy - not in a depressed way, I just can't find the energy to be bothered.

Thank you to lots of you who gave me structured advice, I really appreciate it.

He is! But working on a deal, not litigation.

It’s normal to feel lonely with a baby, it will get better when they can communicate.

When you are doing all of the childcare 247 of course you are going to be burnt out and exhausted, dh needs to do far more parenting solo. What if you needed emergency surgery or you were ill for 3 weeks? Or died? He needs to adequately parent and you need to get back in touch with who you are, what you need and be able to take care of yourself.

We can’t pour from an empty jug.