To think it is not normal to be at a bar at 1.30am with work

[Peonii]

Just need to be told I'm being insane.

DH in Germany having meetings. It's an early start tomorrow. He messaged at 10pm saying they're in the bar and will call when he's back in his room in an hour... He still hasn't called.

AIBU to think one wouldn't be out until 1.30am at a bar if you have an early start the next day?

@Peonii it sounds like you’re having a tough time and that you’re doing what you can to try to help yourself. You should be really proud for keeping a level head and doing all of this, don’t be too down on yourself for having a wobble.

Just to perhaps help you see it from the other side, I am someone who absolutely can’t cope with people keeping tabs on me and, for me, that includes expected contact. I think I’m reasonable and would normally text if I were travelling and had arrived somewhere but I would not expect my partner to be worried or get arsey with me if I were away and stayed out a bit late, or didn’t text in the morning. I am a grown adult, I am entitled to a bit of a private life and even if something did go wrong what could someone in the uk do anyway! I’m not saying this is right it’s just how I am.

That said if I go away during the week I always expect to be on childcare duty at the weekend, so in your shoes I would book a hair appointment on Sat afternoon (assuming your DH is back) and if you can do a bit of online shopping (you can always send back if no good) leaving him in charge of the house/ baby for AS LONG AS POSSIBLE over the weekend. No guilt, it will help you both.

I've gone out and got wasted on a work trip, and then had to go in and present a new system to the whole Ireland office while trying not to throw up. First and only time I did that!

Take it easy

It's so difficult, and sounds like you're pretty stressed so (to me) it's understandable you need a bit more reassurance from DH. How is at home in terms of parenting, husbanding, doing his fair share etc?

The trash on here (likely all men) need to see themselves out.

OP, you were entitled to feel the way you felt. Sick of reading responses to posts that are demeaning and nasty. You can tell you're not women who have given birth and forced to experience all the hormonal crap that comes along with it.

Glad your DH messaged you eventually. Don't care if he's getting 'carried away' while drinking. He could very easily send over a message letting you know he's still out. It's not much effort.

It sounds like you have PND.

Try a childminder a day a week to get some respite.

Having a dc can fuck up your mind!

This is a good idea. It may not be financially feasible but if it is perhaps it’s the best option. You could then be really clear about the fact you will have to divide childcare and domestic responsibilities more evenly.

If he doesn’t want you to do that, he may need to then agree to help more to facilitate you staying at home full time.

Because even if you don’t want to take the baby to the hair salon something has gone wrong if your child is one and you’re not able to go off for a few hours and get your hair done and a coffee on the weekend (assuming he doesn’t work 7 days a week) while he looks after the baby.

Ignore that nasty posters on here. You are clearly vulnerable and they have zero empathy at all.

You are fine, you will be fine, life is though at the moment but this will pass. It sucks when they get a free, fun ride in the name of ‘networking ‘ and I should know.

You can still tell him you were annoyed. I would and have done it!

You think that everyone that's said OP ibu is either trash or male? Seriously?

The extreme reactions are all name calling people of that opinion and then getting their posts deleted. So likely OP is not even seeing the "support" for her.

Such anger at other's opinion.

It sounds like your husband isn't giving you much support, or playing his part in what's supposed to be a team. You are struggling to get space and time to yourself, even to do basic self-care things like get a haircut, and he's not making much of an effort to check in on you or make you feel like he has his back.

I don't know what the answer is, but I think I would be talking to him about needing more support, that he needs to step up and do his bit, and that you need more time to be able to do some of the things you need to do to make yourself feel good and that life is worth living.

I hope he listens, OP.

Depends - i do this all the time with work - we have a week away, and then on the final night or the night before, we are at the bar until very late... once i stayed at the bar with colleagues and we all caught out flight at 7am having had no sleep....

And if you bother to read the OPs posts, he's not drinking, no idea why you could t read that bit.

I wouldn't treat my partner at home with the child like that on a work trip I'd be messaging them while I was at the bar or at the loo and wanting updates about baby too

Entirely possible. Work dos and meetings/business trips tend to have this effect. Why is he ringing you all the time? My DD is in US for a week working, and her DP has contacted her - she sent picture of outsize endame starter portion (enough for a week!) and given her return flight. Your DH is just in the bar having beers.

Ahh OP I empathise. My ex used to travel a lot with work and at the time I was struggling with my mental health (unrelated to his work). It was hard him being away but ultimately I had to accept I'd hear barely anything from him when he was out on work trips and found ways of distracting myself / working on the insecurities / difficulties I was having.

I'm glad you felt able to offload here although fwiw there's nothing wrong with you telling him you're struggling - as long as you're not expecting him to have a full blown conversation with you I'd he doesn't have the time. Maybe next time he's away it would help to have a friend to chat to / join a random chat going on here? It's okay to feel the way you do but it's about managing your expectations and finding ways of dealing with things.

Updates on the baby throughout the night?! 😂

"He's asleep"
"Still asleep"
"He's woken up"
"Back to sleep"
"He's woke.... oh no, false alarm. Still asleep"

Raising children is hard work, and one-year-olds are very difficult to deal with. Of course, you are tired. Do minimum housework - dust does not matter DC is only one once! - like doing the washing and using the dishwasher (if you don't have one buy one - the relief of not having plates piled in the sink!). Hoover where it matters once a week (that's the bits visitors see!). When DC rests you rest - or do something you want to do like read, watch a box set, etc. You can spend time doing activities with DC - when DS was one I read around 7 books a day to him, and we played with toys on the floor, too, but I know it's harder now since the support I had (mother and toddler groups, coffee mornings, web of other mothers with same age children who were at home, etc.) is not there. I also used TV (more limited then, of course, but just as inane - favs were He-Man, Pigeon Street and Postman Pat) as a babyminder when I had had enough, and sat with feet up and mug of tea, while DS/DD watched - occasionally engaged. You can only be the best you can be - that is, a 'good enough' mother. If you are tired all the time see your GP, you may be anaemic or need some anti-depressants (ok if you are not still breastfeeding?). Hair cuts? Find a hairdresser who does home visits (DD does this and she only has a dog and a DP - it's also much cheaper than going to a salon). If they can only come in evening then DH can watch DC (if he thinks this onerous you will find at some point he is an ex-DH, as I did).

Lots of people saying DH can't be working 24/7. He's away from home roughly 7pm-8.30pm. In the weekends we do house chores mostly and I would like to leave DC with him. I usually do for a medical appointment but it can be a bit stressful. I have tried not to instruct him on what to feed DC etc but he ends up giving her a load of grated cheese for a meal or won't notice how long she's gone without a nappy change and he struggles with getting her to nap so she may not nap at all all day. Or her clothes will be wet because she's spilt something and he might not notice. And so I feel too anxious to leave her with him. I think that's why I have separation anxiety really and similarly why I never returned to work

Oh dear.... another high flying man who suddenly is losing any ability to think when faced with boring domestic responsibilities. How is it he can succeed at work and not at home with his own child?
Simple! He chooses to be "useless" and not to be asked to do anything.

Do men ever message from the loo?

Someone else might have suggested this as I haven't read the whole thread, but you might want to try Homestart. You get a volunteer for 2h a week to help with your child or play with them and look after them while you have a shower or get other things done. Sometimes it helps even though it's only a short time per week and they are usually a sympathetic ear. You can self-refer.

This is not unusual.

My boyfriend works for an American bank. Recently he and a colleague really connected with a director. They all basically ended up doing a two day binge. Boyfriend considered it networking.

I recently went on a work trip to Amsterdam and the client (family man) spent half the day telling me where we were going out and what we were going to drink. I participated (bare minimum). These men seem like caged animals let out for the first time. Odd. Sad.

Some workplaces are weirdly hedonistic.

Right well based on this he just sounds like a fuckwit- but it still needs addressing. What does he say when you ask him “why has DC only eaten cheese”, or “why did you not notice that she was wet/ needed a nappy changing”. This is basic parenting level 1 and there’s no way he can’t actually do it, he’s just being crap. I think you 100% need to get him doing more with your DC not less- if necessary with a passive aggressive list of basic instructions and/ or you explaining things in very basic English to him as many times as it takes- like “DH last time you fed DC you only gave her cheese. Just so you know better, it’s recommended that children eat vegetables and carbohydrates with their protein, or they might die. If you’re not sure what to do to make a proper lunch Google it”, or “You will need to check DC’s nappy at least every hour and sooner if it smells otherwise they could get nappy rash or an infection and end up in hospital.” Write it down and get him to tick the bloody thing off if necessary.

But you never going back to work is no solution- TBH when you’re married to someone who is showing signs of being a lazy fuckwit you need to make sure you’re financially independent.

He is not worried about you op! He is busy looking after his own needs and drinking all night.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to improve unless you start putting yourself first. You are last on the list which is why your self esteem is plummeting and your mental health is all over the place. You are still just thinking of him, and his needs even now.

I challenge you to spend the next two months looking after yourself - starting this weekend. It will transform your life, I promise you.

I have been so who am I to judge