To think it is not normal to be at a bar at 1.30am with work

[Peonii]

Just need to be told I'm being insane.

DH in Germany having meetings. It's an early start tomorrow. He messaged at 10pm saying they're in the bar and will call when he's back in his room in an hour... He still hasn't called.

AIBU to think one wouldn't be out until 1.30am at a bar if you have an early start the next day?

It is called being an adult, being an honourable and reliable human

I'm sure I'll be accused of being a cool wife with no standards, but this just seems so massively over the top to me.

Being away with work and not coming back to the hotel to call his wife at a certain time doesn't make him a bad person - especially when he'd already messaged her at 10pm and did message again when he eventually got in.

I also think if your partner is working, you can't expect them to always be able to ring home at specific times - it's not realistic. Meetings overrun, emergencies pop up and stuff gets in the way. It would be equally unrealistic for him to expect OP to be contacting him at specific times too.

He was in touch twice, he's clearly not a bad man who doesn't even think about home so I'm not sure why everyone is so keen to paint him in the worst possible light.

OP if you can’t get out to a hairdresser can a mobile one come to you?
you’d feel tons better with a hair cut

You sound either paranoid or very controlling. He's an adult on a work trip. He's been in touch so you know he is well. Give the guy a break!

I'm now the client and still hate it - I don't want to spend the evening with people I don't particularly like and have nothing in common with trying to suck up to me, no matter who's paying the bill. Sometimes it's a necessary evil sadly.

💐for you OP as you sound like you need some.

I want to reach out and give you a big hug. I think everything you’re thinking and feeling is totally normal and understandable and YANBU

Gosh OP, it sounds like you're having a really tough time. Please try to get some time to yourself however possible.

All these people talking are unhealthy relationship dynamics are insane. We both travel for business and keep in touch about what we're up to a couple of times per day. We also both ring the kids in the morning at breakfast time if we've been away overnight. I would say that's just normal 'giving a shit about your family' territory. It would be even more important if one or other of us was having a v tough time.

I thought everyone knew that client meetings are a total pain, especially when you're meant to be pretending to enjoy it. Who actually enjoys enforced, organised fun?! Those posters should probs get an actual life.

OP to your point, I do think that the issue here is you waiting up expecting a call. I can understand if he said he'd call, you would be concerned if he didn't. In the same position I'd be a bit worried my DH was dead in a ditch (because I get paranoid). I think you might need to move away from the concept he'll always give you a good night call - once you have kids you need all the sleep you can get without worrying that him not having called means something is wrong. It sounds like he did follow through so it's not that he did anything wrong, but that the process doesn't work anymore. It should have been him checking in during the day, explaining he was going out with work and saying good night then so you could get on with your life. Others might not even do the daily check in but DH and I still do after >15 years of marriage.

I do think that there's no issue whatsoever with how late he was out, and I'd have been out that late without giving it a second thought if I was on a work trip (which was your original question). Think that makes DH a 'cool husband' not me a 'cool wife' though as it's me that travels for work!

I also agree with all the comments on self-esteem. You sound like you're going through a really tough time at the moment - be kind to yourself.

Hi Op, firstly sorry you’re feeling like this. It sounds like you’re overwhelmed with the dependency of a child on you. It is hard work and many of us have felt the same.
Have you considered one day a week of nursery, or can his parents or anyone help? Also, I don’t understand the hairdresser point, can your husband not take baby and you go on a Saturday?
I don’t expect my dh to check in with me when on a night out, I’m not a cool wife at all! However, you need to let go of the check in and you’ll feel better. Agree with him it’s not necessary and then you won’t be sitting up anxious waiting for it. He can check in with you daily at some point but nights and mornings and all that is so rigid and difficult for anyone.
big hugs for you

Yes, this would be me too.

If my DH knew I wasn't coping well before he went, its really shit if he doesn't bother to call when he says he will or just send a quick - how are you doing, hope you're ok message.
Obviously he had to go away for work and obviously he is busy working, but honestly, what sort of bloke would not check in on his obviously over tired and over stressed and feeling a bit vulnerable wife? What is actually more important than that? Cocktails in a bar with work mates? Breakfast? Sorry but No.
OP I'd of expected a call and a good morning text. Its the absolute basics of a relationship surely to check in on your other half especially when you KNOW they are having a hard time.

I have standards, and I have always been crystal clear about them. We raise our dc to be the same. If you say you are going to do something, you do it. You are going to call, you damn well call.

We both have highly professional jobs that wouldn’t last a week without a sense of responsibility and ownership.

I have no time for cool wives. To me it looks a lot like a lack of defined boundaries, and in some cases a chronic lack of assertiveness and confidence.

We have the relationships we deserve, and I won’t invest in disrespectful, lazy and shoddy behaviour and wouldn’t expect op to either, it’s time she found her voice and confidence.

It doesn’t much matter what we think about it, what matters is how SHE feels about it, and how it leaves her feeling. The rest is noise.

Don't be hard in yourself OP, sounds like you are having a rough time especially if you have experienced a difficult birth. It's perfectly OK not to be looking your absolute best and the house too!

Any chance of hiring cleaner? Childminder? Etc Until you find your stride.

Or even meeting friends for a coffee and to vent or just feel like you? It really does sound like you need some you time.

Its not clinginess to expect some communication from the person you have chosen to spend your life with, especially when you are struggling emotionally. A good morning message is absolutely not too much to expect. You deserve love and respect from your life partner and if that means you need some more contact while he is away then that should be provided. It costs him nothing to send a text while having breakfast or whatever. Tell him how you feel and what you need.

The thing I find useful about MN is I was able to offload here and ultimately the only comms DH has had from me is that good morning text asking how he slept and he messaged at lunch to say that he's having a bit of a late lunch and he's hungry because the clients are being slow and asking how DC is. He didn't ask how I was.
I think I would only speak to him when he is back and tell him how I am as I don't want him to worry while he is away.

Really? Bars are open much later than the uk. Of course its normal

Sounds like you're having a tough time, try not to be so hard on yourself. Just survive this as best you can and carve out space for you when he's home xx

I think people are missing that he did message when he got in (at 2am) to ask if she was still up, and would presumably have called if she'd said she still wanted to speak. I don't think the DH should be criticized for messaging to ask if she was still up rather than calling directly at 2am.

OP, it sounds like he’s not asking how you are because he’s worried about opening the floodgates so to speak. It sounds as if - rightly or wrongly - he feels overwhelmed by whatever you’re going through.

I have a childhood friend who often makes me feel really heavy when I speak to her, she unloads a lot and sometimes tbh I’ve just had to not ask how she is for fear of another rather depressing message or call as I have my own mental health to think about and shes leaned on me far more than the other way around our entire lives.

I think you do need some help - maybe other new mums to speak to or some practical assistance, or possibly just to give yourself more grace and not be so hard on yourself.

FWIW I do think it would’ve been good for him to have texted sooner to let you know he would be out later then the hour he told you, and tell you not to wait up for a call. But I suspect he’s feeling some anxiety around communicating with you.

You're right to wait until he’s back for a face to face discussion

It sounds unwise, but these things do happen on business trips.

If you say you are going to do something, you do it. You are going to call, you damn well call.

The thing is, sometimes life gets in the way and we can't always do the things we planned to do. It's unrealistic to expect someone who is working to always be able to be available at a set time - that's nothing to do with being a "cool wife" (whatever one of those is supposed to be - is it meant to be insulting?).

DH and I both work in jobs where sometimes, you just can't finish bang on time or be free to speak on the phone bang on time. That's just reality for lots of people. I have plenty of confidence and great boundaries but ultimately I understand that when my DH is working, that has to take priority unless there's some kind of emergency at home.

It's normal in some cultures. I would say not so much the UK!

It would have been better to have said good night at 10pm!

It can be hard at home alone with kid(s).

I know my husband just wanted to de stress after a busy day (probably been out of the house for 12hrs) & I would be thinking oooh finally, someone to talk to!

Um, why?

Your husband surely doesn't work 24/7?

Isn't he around at weekends? How much does he do at home/.with the baby?

BTW I may have misssed it, but how old is DC?

Op, as your child is one, would you consider going back to work? Or getting a job? I mean this gently but I don’t think you’re either coping or enjoying being a stay at home mum, so could you make an effort to work?

Maybe that would give a better balance to you, as an unhappy miserable mother will both impact your child, as well as your husband, and you. As such maybe working would be the answer for you?

My OH used to do this if I was away with work, make me phone and check up on me. It usually ended up that it got a bit too late and so I didn't phone as I knew he would be cross, and then you just think "Fuck it" in for a penny, in for a pound! He'd also look at my Whatsapp to try and determine what time I went to bed by the last time I looked at it!!