To think it is not normal to be at a bar at 1.30am with work

[Peonii]

Just need to be told I'm being insane.

DH in Germany having meetings. It's an early start tomorrow. He messaged at 10pm saying they're in the bar and will call when he's back in his room in an hour... He still hasn't called.

AIBU to think one wouldn't be out until 1.30am at a bar if you have an early start the next day?

Sending you a handhold. I have a 6 year old and a 1 year old and my husband goes away for 2 days and 1 night every week and it is hard work. I am certainly not at the top of my game all the time with my parenting, my appearance or my mental health but….my children are happy and healthy, I try to find the joy in the difficult times, and try to remember that difficult times also pass. I’m sure you’re doing your best and that will be good enough. My husband isn’t always able to be in contact with me when he’s away but tries to keep me updated with his plans and where he will be at what times as these can sometimes be unusual e.g dinner at 9pm. Communication is key- some people need more, some less. Find what makes you confortable and don’t feel bad for what you need.

youre doing a good job, mama

Do not have any more children with this useless carcass of a man op. If you think it’s hard now, add multiple children into the equation. Get some bullet proof contraception and promise yourself to start leaving the baby more often. You are burnt out.

Did you not read the part where he doesn't drink... and that he was working.

Stop getting the OP wound up to project problems on her husband when she clearly needs to work on her own issues, anxieties and insecurities.

@missshilling men who are being nice to me and like me message me on their nights out send in videos and updates! But men who have been in LTR with who are less nice don't. But ignoring my messages has been only done by mean guys.

How exactly is he a useless carcass of a man? Because he was away working, text his wife at 10pm and again at 2am when he got in?

Winding the OP up with this crap is not helpful. She needs to focus on her own problems.

I take it you mean 7am to 8.30pm? And then he spends his weekends doing house chores?

I am certainly not winding her up, of course he is fucking useless he can’t feed, change or care for his own baby!!

It would be insane to have any more children with a man so incompetent!!

I’m sick of men piling on to this thread defending a man who can’t even change a wet nappy - it’s a disgrace.

Op go out, leave him to it, and start caring for yourself before he completely runs you into the ground!

But all these things he does are fine op, she’s not going to come to any harm if she has some cheese, missed a nap or her nappy is a bit late in being changed.

he has to learn, I understand you habe seperatiom anxiety but you need to let him parent and learn.

amd if you return to work it will be a professional in a child care setting who will care for her.

the bottom line is you’re miserable and not coping. So you will need to let someone else take the reins, if not for your sake for your child’s. It’s not fair for them to be with a miserable mother. You know this.

so gp back to work. Start to deal with your anxiety give others a chance.

What on earth are you havering about, what men. Calm yourself down, take a step back, I’m sure you’re thinking it’s funny and you’re being goady but honestly it’s just plain odd.

You need to get back to work and put baby in childcare. A lot of people don't enjoy being in the house 24/7 with a toddler and zero adult company. Some women are happy, some aren't. Go back out there, get a sense of self, interact with other adults. Your child will be fine in nursery.

Before that though, if he works such long hours, surely you can afford a babysitter or a day or two at nursery anyway? That kind of job comes with a good paycheck. If it doesn't, then he needs to look for something else.

The posters on here telling OP she's too needy, she needs to go on antidepressants, she has to understand her H is too busy to talk to her, she should 'manage her expectations' and so on (and on and on) - you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Raise your standards for yourself and your partners.

OP, your husband is not so useless that he 'can't tell' when a nappy is wet. If he doesn't have any idea how to care for or feed his baby, he needs to learn. Give him a book and let him get on with it. Tell him his incompetence is unacceptable.

It sounds as if your husband is engaging in weaponised incompetence OP.

Look it up if you’re not familiar with the term but he should know not to feed a baby heaps of cheese for a meal. I’ve been looking after toddlers (friend/family children) since I was 17 and I wouldn’t have did any of these things you mention even as a teen.

I think you need to address your separation anxiety and him being a more competent father would help with that.

I get you’re both doing chores most weekends but surely not for the whole weekend? And either way once in a while you should be able to leave him alone with the baby for a few hours and get your hair done or go for a long walk or coffee with a friend. And can you afford a cleaner? That might help.

I always worry about women who say they can’t trust their partners with their kids because what if something happens to them? What if they separate unexpectedly and he goes for weekend or even 50/50 custody?

You should be able to trust your partner is going to be OK with the child in your absence.

give him the baby and go out for a couple of days. Let him manage. Missing a nappy change or whatever isn't the end of the world - yep its not nice but its not the end of the world either.

You cannot control how other people parent. He gets to do it his way - your way is the right way for you, his way is the right way for him.

If he doesnt know he needs to be told and he needs to listen. He only fucks up because he knows you will pick it up. Tell him its not acceptable he does this as an adult.

@HelpAGirlOut1234 come on, in the uodate the OP explains that he feeds the child nothing but cheese, fails to change nappies promptly and doesn’t notice when the child’s clothes are wet. There may be another side to this (say if other food was offered but the child refused it) but at face value it is useless at worst it’s low level neglect. If my DH “looked after” our kids like this I’d be astonished and livid in equal measures.

@Frasers WTF! Of course a baby comes to harm if its nappy is not changed in time. Nappy rash is very painful. And I have never ever heard of anyone feeding grated cheese as a meal. That is sheer laziness.

Honestly, after being on an abroad work trip myself, this is completely normal - finish the long work day and then nip back to the hotel, food and drinks out, probably finish off with a drink at the bar - it's easily 1am/2am without us stopping to think and then room, sleep, up early for work the next day!

Yes I was having a good time, but it was also exhausting as I expected to have some down time to myself, but the trips just weren't like that at all.

OP you ask how people manage with children. Th truth is those of us why enjoy it do not have useless partners who can not even be trusted to change their babies nappy on time.

From a reasonable point of view, he's away with work, I wouldn't expect more than a text or two per day and I would just get on with my life whilst he was away. However, you clearly have your own stuff going on and that's what is clouding the issue. We can say its unreasonable (and it is) but its probably perfectly reasonable to you. Not really sure a hive mind is going to be able to help you with this one.

My husband has been known to be out until gone 3am when on a work trip. They often end up at karaoke 🙃

Sorry, only just saw the rest of your posts - I hope you're ok OP. Take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself. One year olds are hard work and there is constant pressure to always be on it.

OP didn't reveal most of that information until a couple of hours ago.

Have you read the OP's latest posts about him being incapable of talking care of his child?

But do they do it from the loo? I would have thought they would have their hands full, or at least one.

This.

op you are totally reasonable to be feeling how you do. I imagine you are not sitting at home feeling anxious and stressed just for the fun of it. It’s a horrible feeling.

and in answer to your original question. No it’s not normal to still be in a bar at 1.30am WITHOUT calling your partner as you promised you would or letting them know what the situation is that required you to be in a bar at 1.30am on a work trip.
id be feeling very similar and I don’t have a 1 year old!

Ypu are not needy or clingy, you are anxious and any loving partner would see this and would do what they can to help you. Not ignore you.

My god, we all have a wobble at some point in our lives and this sounds like yours.
not everything is 50/50 or equal. Sometimes in a relationship one person has to pick up the 80/20 when the other needs them to. Sometimes they have to go that little bit extra to reassure, check in or whatever is needed if the other is struggling, however ‘unreasonable’ it might seem to them. That’s just how it works.

if you needed a phone call, you needed a phone call. That doesn’t make you needy! It just means you need a little bit extra right now and I’d bet anything if the roles were reversed you’d be right there giving that extra to him if he needed it.

Talk to him when he’s back and tell him how you were feeling. Hopefully he was totally clueless and will be more mindful next time.

It doesn’t matter how hard he is working, his priority should still be checking in on you, as he knows you had a wobble before he went, and any work collegues he’s with would totally understand a bloke calling his wife at bloody 10pm on a work trip. And it’s not like they were in a meeting, they were in a bar. Networking does not mean you can’t take 15 minutes to ring your spouse at home with a small child to check in between the hours of bloody 10pm and 2am!

There is nothing like being organised when you have a new baby. Simple things like having a work station with all babies needs in one place. Changing mat, nappies, wipes, creams, day clothes, night clothes, outdoor wear, soothers (if you use them) muslins, bibs & anything else you can think of. It's hard work but being organised makes it so much easier. 💐