To be annoyed that my sister wants me to change my hair for her wedding.

[PiperLeo]

I have bright red hair. I love the colour. It makes me feel good about myself. I even feel pretty on some days which is huge for me since I'm quite a big girl and hate my body. (That's a whole other issue)

I've had my hair like this for the most part of 10 years.

My sister is getting married in April and insists I be a bridesmaid. She has asked me to "tone down the colour" she initially wanted me to dye it blond as she insists it would suit me. But I have no intention of doing so. She said it would be fine if I went back to my natural colour (Auburn)

My other sister got married last year and I went through an identity crisis. Cut my long hair off into a bob and dyed it a plum colour instead...just in case she didn't approve of my normal colour. She didn't say anything but I wasn't her bridesmaid. I hated it so went back to bright red.

AIBU to think that my hair colour shouldn't matter as everyone will be looking at her and not me?

Or am I being selfish?

I already don't feel good in my bridesmaid dress because of my body type so not having my hair to back me up, I fear it will be a miserable day for me. (Selfish?)

I am in my 50s and have been married for 30 years. What really matters to me now are the people in my life. Friends and family. I know who I can rely on and who I cannot. I can identify the people that I hope I will be in touch with when I am much older.

And my wedding photos play precisely not one part in my day to day life now.

Some of this posts have to be a wind up. Nobody can seriously think red hair is outlandish?

newbathroomhelplease · Yesterday 23:49
I wouldn't want someone with bright red hair in my wedding photos so I wouldn't ask them to be bridesmaid. Not my vibe at all”

How odd. I judge people on their character, not the colour of their hair.

Keep your hair as you like it.

Tell your sister what you said in your op, that changing your hair for your other sister's wedding last year was actually really upsetting and distressing and you can't go through that again. She can demote you back to being a guest and sister of the bride rather than bridesmaid if she wishes but the hair will stay the same either way. It's understandable that a bride doesn't want her bridesmaid bring more noticeable than herself but your hair is part of who you are.

OP, sounds like you've had your hair bright red for a long time.

It's not like it has taken her by surprise. No dye job, be yourself and if she kicks up a fuss, resign from being a bridesmaid and be a guest instead. It's such a personal thing to ask you to change. She loves you as you are. That's who should be in her photos, not a stranger.

So weird. You’d think it was a swastika face tattoo.

OP clearly means a bright un-natural scarlet red rather than a natural auburn red. It must be wonderfully striking and yes probably outlandish but it's entirely reasonable for OP to choose their own hair colour.

Brides get to tell you what colour dress to wear. They don't get to dictate hair colour.

Although I am not sure quite sure how I would have reacted if my adult bridesmaid had had blue hair

That said, people usually have their hair up, so it doesn't show that much anyway. And aren't a lot of wedding photos black and white, so you don't see hair colour so much. Seems a silly thing for a bride to fall out with her sister about. I wonder how she'd react if you had a big tattoo that was going to be visible whatever dress style she chose

To the anti Red hair brigade, can you not see it as a bit of fun glamour? Would you tell Rihanna to change it?

@newbathroomhelplease

I wouldn't want someone with bright red hair in my wedding photos so I wouldn't ask them to be bridesmaid. Not my vibe at all.

This could not be a more perfect illustration of Bridezilla behaviour if it tried. Are you serious?

You think because you’re getting married you get to control and micromanage not just every square inch of your own life but of other people’s?

This encapsulates why I generally don’t like weddings. An orgy of fastidiousness, stealth judgment and entitlement.

OP: go as you are or don’t go. Fuck being told how to look by someone else.

OK let me rephrase: people seriously think scarlet hair is outlandish? Is it 1954?

@Didimum

So weird. You’d think it was a swastika face tattoo.

Totally. Breathtaking how small minded and controlling people can be about things which aren’t important.

@ChinaBlueBell

What’s selfish are people who look freakish thinking it’s okay to appear that way it’s a wedding. No way!

Who gets to police what’s “freakish” vs what’s “normal”?

Red hair is so mainstream now: where do you live if you think it’s freakish? The 1690s?

I get it from both sides. It's absolutely justified that you have your hair the way you want it.

But I've also seen wedding pictures where someone has bright red hair. I'm assuming fire engine red yes? Or bright blue peacock coloured hair.

And honestly? The attention in every single group photos is all about the hair. It can't be helped. It just screams out so loud that the bride and groom in their neutral tones don't appear as the main point of focus. Your eyes go straight to the pop of colour. And someone's wedding is the one time it IS all about them

It isn't just about loving someone the way they are. It's about wanting beautiful wedding photos to keep forever where the bride and groom stand out and everyone isn't always looking straight at the fire engine red hair.

Could you use a temporary colour depositing conditioner that just tones down the vibrancy?

You're not being selfish at all. When I got married, I had five bridesmaids. I talked to them all about the types of dresses they'd like/be comfortable wearing, the colours they like etc. They decided the dress style between them. I bought the dresses. I told them that they could jazz them up with whichever shoes/accessories etc that they wanted (to personalise things), and that they could have their hair and makeup however they wanted. They all looked bloody amazing, all felt comfortable and happy wearing their outfits, and each of them showed their awesome style and individuality.

Keep your hair colour how you want!

PS three of my bridesmaids had brightly coloured hair, and they looked fantastic! In the wedding pics, it was obvious that I was the bride (despite me not wearing a white/ivory dress) and obvious that they were the bridesmaids.

Same here. You would stand out and not in a good way to me. But that's my issue and I wouldn't expect you to change so I wouldn't ask you to be bridesmaid. Tell her that and leave her to decide.

Absolutely it can be stunning.

But the photos end up with the hair grabbing the eye and that's not what a couple wants for the rest of their lives. A massive pop of colour distracting from them. Wedding photos are really expensive and a lot of effort goes in to producing beautiful images. One person with crazy colours hair is very distracting. And in every group photo the red hair grabs the attention. On the one day it's all about the couple.

I wouldn't be annoyed but I wouldn't change my hair....I would be amused by her entitledness and tell her so.

When I was a teenager I was bridesmaid. The bride and her mother chose the dress I wore. I hated the style and the colour. Her hairdresser cut and styled my hair to match hers. I hated that too. I can still remember how awful I felt all day. If I had been older I'd have told her thanks but no thanks, and would now never wear a dress I didn't feel good in, or let someone else choose my hairstyle.
OP if she insists you be a bridesmaid, and you feel you can't say no, you can at least say Ok, if it means that much to you, but I get a say in how I look and what I wear.
If she won't do that for you, you don't have to feel guilty about pulling out.

Do you think people wouldn’t spot the bride? The one with the nice dress in the middle standing next to the groom?

Though this is where I disagree with modern weddings. My wedding was about the guests too. Who had come such a long way to celebrate with us. I was all about making sure they were happy and comfortable. It was never ‘all about the couple’ for us. No regrets at all.

@dunkdemunder

But the photos end up with the hair grabbing the eye and that's not what a couple wants for the rest of their lives

This is what I find bizarre about weddings. A certain type of person thinks it gives the couple getting married carte blanche to be absolute control freaks.

So the couple getting married has someone visible in the wedding picture who is noticeable. Um, so?

If you’re so self conscious and self absorbed that you can’t deal with having anyone else playing a part in the narrative and memory of your wedding I think you don’t deserve to have wedding guests at all. I would boycott a wedding if someone told me how my hair had to be.

Weddings should be celebrations of families coming together, people coming together. Not orgies of aesthetic micromanagement.

I can’t get over brides ditching their own sisters as bridesmaids over the colour of their hair. Such embarrassing behaviour. Anyone who condones this needs to take a good look at themselves and get a grip.

So you would get not want your sister as bridesmaid because she would spoil the photos due to her hair colour? Do you see how ridiculous that sounds?!

If all you notice in this photo is one woman's hair colour, you're the one that isn't normal.

You look the way you look OP. If your sister doesn't want someone who looks like you do in her wedding, then she doesn't have you as a BM. You on the other hand decide if a temporary hair colour change or the principle is more important than being her BM. Purely personal decisions on both your parts. For what it's worth, I wouldn't care what you looked like, as I wouldn't put asthetics ahead of people. But a lot of people do.