Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

My dad's like this, but that's more because my DP just doesn't bother much with DIY, find it embarrassing that someone else has to do it.

I understand you completely @rewarrrrd
Threads like this show that that people generally fall into "love it" or "hate it" camps. And those of us in the "hate it" camp get told how horrible and ungrateful we are.
My view is that it's common curtesy to check before doing something in someone else's home.
I am also very probably autistic and have an autistic dd so that may well be factor.
Maybe there are more ND people in the "hate it" camp. Maybe not.
Either way, it saddens me that people who leap to criticise, seem unable to consider the possibility that people can have a different reaction to them without it being wrong. No judgement is needed.

No.

I think when people do this they should ask first. Interesting when many MILs do the same it can be seen as judgemental or interfering but when a man does it, it is because he obviously finds babysitting boring or he is doing it out of love.

If my MIL had done it, it would be partially being helpful but partly judgmental as would often comment on the slackness of housekeeping in our house! When she stayed at BIL she would turn up with a bottle of bleach! When FIL stated they used to give him a list as he was good at DIY, so ended up doing the same with MIL

For those saying it is lovely would you go into a friend’s bathroom and start descaling the shower?

Is he a kind and loving person or a superior, judgemental one?

I would say he's all of those things! But genuinely is kind.

They have form for overstepping a lot, our wedding etc

But it's not a friend it's family. He's making himself useful or feel useful 👍

@Itsallsostressful but it’s not their house. What degree of family would this be acceptable for, third cousin twice removed! If someone doesn’t want it happening it is not helpful.

I would hate that! Tell him to ask before he does anything,cannot believe posters think this is acceptable.It’s downright rude.

Yeah it could be rude if he stripped the wall paper and redecorated it his taste. However sorting out a wonky washer on a tap or tightening up a door handle is helpful.
We have a list of small jobs that probably would only take 5 mins to fo but somehow we haven't hot round to fixing. If someone like OP's fil fixed them while doing something else I would be grateful.

I mean if you find them over stepping can they babysit at their house. Or get your husband to tell him that there is no jobs needing done?

My FIL comes to pick our dog up each weekday morning. He lets himself in, has a look to see if there is any washing in the machine and hangs it out if there is, same with the dryer and then folds it! Washes the breakfast pots! He's a keeper! He's retired and it keeps him busy! They're not saying your standards arnt good enough - they're doing it to help you out so you don't have to do it!

I think you're fortunate he wants to help but I do understand why you might have seen it in a negative light. Try not to, he sounds like a good chap. I agree with the PP who suggested leaving him some things to do. Sounds like it'll save you a job and he'd enjoy doing it!

Yeah I've softened a lot after reading this thread.

My upbringing has hardened me a lot and I really have to make myself see the good sometimes!

Thanks all

But you wouldn't share lots of things with your 3rd cousin twice removed that you would with your parents. Parents and children, if you're lucky, help each other out.

@rewarrrrd Do you know about the “5 love languages”? (There’s a book and a quiz).

The 5 ways that people express their affection are: physical touch, quality time, gifts, words of appreciation and “acts of service”.

I find many of the older generation (my ex MiL, my DF and a recent ex BF are “do-ers” and can’t stand sitting around and show love not in”huggy” ways and words but sorting out cupboards etc.

Ex BF (slightly older 😂) loved nothing more than checking my car oil, taking my car to pump up the tyres, unblocking sinks, putting up shelves, mowing the lawn, etc. I would find it annoying when he walked in & found a wobbly cupboard door, as though I was failing in some way, but I realised it made him feel manly to fix it.

Men love feeling useful I’ve found! Give FiL a list! Later he can show your DC too.

@sandorschicken how do you know they aren’t saying your standards aren’t good enough, plenty of us have family (own or in laws) who are very much saying your standards aren’t good enough under the guise of helping

When my fil comes to visit he sits on my couch watching videos on his phone and occasionally looks up to tell me (irish) irish jokes . I wish he'd get up off his arse and do a bit 🙄

but it’s not their house. What degree of family would this be acceptable for, third cousin twice removed!
Off the top of my head I would say it's ok for parents to this.
Oh Fil is a parent.
Come on, he's hardly rummaging through ops knicker drawer.
It sounds like he's fixing a lose screw. Which sounds like some posters on here need.

There was a thread not so long ago about a MIL who couldn't help 'tinkering' every time she came over - cleaning, rearranging items etc The OP hated it and felt undermined and judged, and just wanted her house how SHE wanted it. The vast majority of replies were on her side and felt the MIL was overstepping the mark.

I agree with you OP. It might well come from a place of love and care and wanting to be useful, but i think your FIL needs to ask, or wait to be asked, before taking it upon himself to help. One day he might do something you really didn't want done and you'll end up falling out.

His feelings don't over ride yours, it's your home.

He's definitely not judging you. I would imagine he feels as if he is helping and saving you a job. He wouldn't descale a shower head because he thinks you are dirty. More like he knows how to do it, has done it before and knows that you probably don't have time to do it. Appreciate it probably feels weird when you aren't used to it though.

Oh OP. Sorry that this has thrown up difficult feelings for you. I do think it’s done with good intentions. My Dad is the same, if he notices something needs a small repair or adjustment he helps himself to the toolbox and gets the job done. I think it’s done with kindness.

@notacooldad OP has said they have history of overstepping

And so what if they are? If they want to get their knickers in a twist about your standards then let them? I couldn't give a shit if anyone thinks my standards aren't good enough. I do give a shit that I don't have to sort my washing out when I come back home from work. What anyone thinks of me and the way I live my life washes straight over me! And yes, lots of times parents and parents in law simply want to help you out, no agenda they just happen to be nice people.

@sandorschicken would you carry on doing something in your DC’s house if you knew they didn’t like it, because you are the parent so can do whatever you want?

Pretty much anyone in my family is allowed to do whatever the hell they want in my house. We all have each other's keys and can show up unannounced and go make ourselves a cup of tea.
When I have friends staying, I tell them they can do anything, go anywhere and use anything in the house. If someone want's to clean the loo, it's much appreciated. In fact, we have someone staying with us at the moment and he already cooked three dinners last week, took the dog out for a walk and scrubbed the bathroom. All of which is much appreciated.