Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

I read a quote once that said something like 'unrequested help isn't help, it's helping yourself' and it's stuck with me.

It doesn't matter whether it's family or friends. If the OP doesn't like it in her house she's entitled to not like it. There's nothing much more to say.

I mean, I literally said it is my issue, but thanks for making sure you gave me a good kicking too 🙄

I read a quote once that said something like 'unrequested help isn't help, it's helping yourself' and it's stuck with me.

It doesn't matter whether it's family or friends. If the OP doesn't like it in her house she's entitled to not like it. There's nothing much more to say.
That's your take on things.
We as a family, take the ' many hands make light work' approach and help each other out.

@notacooldad doesn't mean you can’t help, but do something that the other person wants helping with not what you think they need helping with

My mum used to wash up when babysitting. We loved it! I think he's just being kind, some jobs can take a while to get too so he's doing it so you can not worry.

It's a generational thing - my parents are always doing jobs at mine - whether I think they need doing or not - unused to get pissy about it like it was a judgement on my standards but now I take it in the spirit it's given - in years it's their way of trying to make my life easier by having one less job to do

Absolutely it's my take. All family's are different and there's no right or wrong so if OP doesn't like it she doesn't like it.

I understand how you feel, my DM used to do this. She would take all the dirty laundry to her house to wash without saying anything, or even rearrange drawers in my bedroom. I'm sure the motivations were positive but it can feel very intrusive. I think this is how some people show care, maybe they don't know any other ways.

I've found asking for help with specific jobs is a good solution, giving me control over what's done and allowing my parents to help out and show love

My MIL cleaned every time she came round, they just came to visit, rather than babysit but I used to feel (maybe irrationally) she was more interested in how clean the sink was or whether there were toys on the floor than actually spending time with us.

I'd clean the house from top to bottom before PIL arrived but she always found sonething to do - a squirt of bleach down the loo, pointlessly re- arrange sone things in the kitchen. Etc. They always bought their own food too, even if I invited them.specifically for a meal. Once I prepared a birthday meal for one of the kids, they arrived late and on the way brought supermarket sandwiches to eat instead of the meal I prepared.
Other people used to say how lucky I found it a bit controlling, and that my house was never good enough or clean enough.....

I get it @rewarrrrd
You've asked him/he's offered to do something - spend time with his grandkids - but he's knows better than you and has done something else.
I'd find it interfering and disrespectful and feel like he's giving you the message that you can't cope without him. Classic narcissistic traits (not suggesting he is NPD) of needing to be needed.
Obviously your own issues mean that it effects you more than people with genuine self esteem and self worth but I can't believe that the majority of people would find it at least annoying.
Hope you find a solution to it all.

❤️

I think its great. Also he's demonstrating practical skills to your kids, god knows they need it these days!

Like PP, give him a list of things "in case he has a moment". He's of the generation that needs to do things.

I get what you are saying. My FIL cut down a pear tree that was 'blocking the light' in his opinion- I loved it and was absolutely livid!
FIL has died now and, looking back, I can see he was trying to give help and guidance in his own way.

Op I do get why you're annoyed and yes sometimes inlaws do interfere for the reasons you said but it can also be for good reasons. We can't tell you which it is, me personally where my inalws never did anything for us and never helped.. the one time they offered was because my fil was making negative comments about the chimneys in our house.. so naturally it annoyed me but that's because I know their true feelings towards us. You must know your Inlaws by now and how they are and so on, so really it's you that needs to decide if he's doing these jobs to be kind or not.

I'm having this issue literally today. My dad has turned up with a mower (as ours isn't good enough) and has decided to cut the grass. OH hates it and has spiralled into a feeling of being "under siege". Wants me to have strong words (as if he listens to me). He means well but has communication problems. Just wish OH could see the intention rather than perceive it as judgment, because if I raise it, I can see him being offended (thinking that it's ungrateful).
Sigh!

@Ilovemyshed only if the grandchildren were watching him. Maybe they were with MIL whilst she babysat them, reinforcing gender stereotypes which this thread is, because it’s great that FIL does DIY and not actually babysit

Have you ever thought about working in mental health services/becoming a counsellor? I am just bowled over by your empathy and understanding.

Indeed. They would have been in the playroom with MIL.

My in-laws have incredibly entrenched gender roles, so much so even at dinner I can only really talk to the women in the family!

All very odd to me because my family despite its many flaws isn't like that at all

@TorroFerney 🤣🤣🤣

I completely understand op. I hated it when anyone (my parents or inlaws) did jobs around our house. It's OUR house, not theirs. And it annoyed me to hell that they didn't have the basic intelligence to see that it could be intrusive as well.

My Dad is like this. His love language, as with many of his generation is Acts of Service. He rarely says I love you, isn’t one for many hugs, but he just loves doing things for me that I didn’t ask. Often I come to my parents house and my dad disappears and I find he is out washing my car. Fixing things. Mowing the lawn. He just loves to do it and it’s way of caring for me and I just love it.

Give the man a list. My dad would do this especially when DC were little. The kids were always mums domain really. They just fall into their roles. Grandad would play with them in the garden while mum made dinner. He had no idea how to do bedtime and wanted to be useful so would start fixing anything he could find. Once DC got older he interacted with them more and started showing them how to fix things as well. He's gone now and it's a loss for all of us. I think it really depends on whether or not you assume goodwill or not.

I love doing jobs at other peoples houses, especially my kids. They are always thankful but I always remind them that they are doing me a favour by letting me do them. It's a shame that your insecurities etc made you look at this in such a sad negative light.