Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

I might feel judged for cleaning jobs but general diy and small maintenance jobs gets a 👍 from me. Also if he can safely involve his grandchildren, they'll spend time with him and learn useful skills.

Sorry but you sound a bit up yourself. Would love someone to do this. Do you know how difficult it is to get a reliable handyman. Descaling a shower is not pointless.

Send him over here please. I have a list a mile long....

Omg amazing send him this way. Def done out of love and wanting to be useful I’d say. Maybe you can help him channel his helpfulness with a ‘to do’ list if the intrusiveness bothers you tho?

I like to do jobs for the dc as I know they're flat out with work and parenting.
Descaling the shower head would be quite satisfying.
I always tell my dc to tell me if I'm overstepping.
It really is wanting to help in my case.

I would hate that! Tell him to ask before he does anything,cannot believe posters think this is acceptable.It’s downright rude.

Descaling your shower head 🤣🤣🤣

Ofgs men really are useless

just let him crack on - I’m sure he is coming from a place where he is trying to be useful to you guys and stay involved in your lives

take things as they are meant

I would make him a list! I mean shower heads do need to be descaled and window sills need to be rubbed down and woodwork gets scuffed and grout needs bleaching or redoing...I would love to have someone who enjoys doing all that crap. Harness the energy, I say.

It was fine 😂

You have various choices....
👤ask them to babysit your DC at their own house
👤identify some wee jobs you'd actually apppreciate him helping out with, and ask him nicely to focus on those
👤suggest that he embarks on some kind of practical project with your DC - eg building them a sandpit or treehouse or go kart - he gets to feel useful and they learn some real skills

Low self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-confidence, probable ASD, diagnosed anxiety, the list goes on.

My parents came to help me out looking after the kids when I had a work conference. My dad is incapable of sitting down and doing nothing for an extended period, so I'd find him outside (mind you, he's in his 70s) digging out a drain in my garden, or scraping the weeds from between the patio stones or re-painting my garage doors or 1 of 100 other jobs (I did ban him from climbing ladders this time around..)

I'd have got round to them eventually (they're just not high priority for me), I'd have probably done them in a more efficient manner/more to my tastes but he wants to do stuff, and he's doing me a favour babysitting, so I am appreciative and try to seed him with ideas of easy jobs that he can do to stay occupied, which have a lower risk of me having to redo them.

I can't talk about a Dad perspective as he'd died before I got married.

My mum used to do this. I did find it irritating until I realised it was how she showed she cared. She did my ironing when mine were little. She died about 12 years ago and I miss her. And I've realised you can never have too many people caring about you.
Can you reframe it as an act of love?

I'm not up myself at all.

Yep I shall after reading this thread.

Was good to get it off my chest (even though some posters think I'm a horrible person!)

Leave a list of little jobs and let him crack on!!!!!!

This might be the winning answer!

My mum just told me recently that my late darling dad just loved doing jobs for me and my older brother. Please let your fil carry on doing wee jobs for you. It's giving him pleasure xx

You know your FIL best but I think that a lot of men do this to show that they care and because it’s what they are good at. They don’t want to sit around while their wives work and do childcare because it’s not a good impression for the kids and some people don’t like sitting around.

I’m a single parent and would love a man to come around for that kind of thing. I live in a heavy scale area and would love someone to descale my shower head l.

I wouldn’t see it as a judgement on you. Maybe he thinks that his son should be taking time to do those sort of home maintenance tasks but does them because he sees his son doing more childcare than he did back then ?

I’ll buck the trend and admit I don’t like this. My dad always did it: would come to stay and I’d end up sat in the lounge alone while he did something apparently vital. Then he died very suddenly, and I just wish he’d actually talked to me instead of pruning back bushes or whatever.

Do you feel judged?

Many, many years ago I was outraged when my (first) DMIL did a pile of ironing .... I felt my 'housewife' skills were bing judged ... pathetic I know.

Years later - new DMIL - I felt irritated that she didn't offer to help with the ironing when I was struggling with pregnancy and not feeling well.

I think sometimes we are our own worse enemies ... just accept the help gracefully.

I’m sorry you have all these issues. But do recognise he’s there, he’s trying to help out, the issues are your own, please don’t make them about him,

amd if he wants to come descale my shower head, send him my way. And do child care at the same time. What a star.

My FIL expects to be waited on hand and foot when he visits and doesn't lift a finger at home either. Can we swap?

God no! Thanks though

My mum used to tackle my ironing pile every time she visited. She ironed beautifully - much better than me - so I was beyond grateful.

But this is different. In Op's case, her parents are babysitting while she is out at work/doing other things. It only really takes one adult to look after the child so the other adult is getting on with other things. My dad is very handy but if we're all at home together, we're chatting or having lunch or whatever. If he's at my house alone, he might use the time to do a few chores or make a meal for later.

OP, I agree that it's a sign of his care. But if it bothers you, ask him to do something. he'll probably be thrilled to be appreciated for his DIY skills, and you can direct him to things you actually need/want done.