Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

I tend to descale the shower head pretty much wherever I go - friends houses, holiday rentals, hotels...but only while actually in it by rubbing it a bit, I wouldn't pack the viakal for a night's babysitting, that's just a bit...odd?

MIL used to "help". Partly she wanted to feel useful but she was a bit of a cow who was quite open about the fact that she thought I should be doing it all ( like emptying dishwasher when I was rushing around trying to get everyone out the house for school/work). So I let her but I did feel some.of it was passive aggressive. DH gets annoyed when my dad helps out, but my dad really is showing his love and DH is like his mother... kind of mean.

Oh bless them. And bless you. When my mum died I had all sorts of aunts helping. Like washing my kettle in the sink....

My dad does the same, I am super grateful

You're welcome to her.

It's got nothing to do with love in her case, she's just judgemental as fuck and loves a reason to have a little passive-aggressive dig.

It’s his love language; acts of service.

Difficult to judge here as you don't say what these jobs are. Basically, I think it's sweet of him to help with wee things - you're being a bit harsh in my book.

My Dad was a practical man - he always used to come to our house and do jobs. Either I’d have a list of things that needed doing, or he’d find something useful to do - mowing the lawn, weeding the path, washing the dishes. It was his way of showing how much he loved me, and I don’t half miss him now he’s gone. Let your FIL help - I’d say it’s his way of showing affection rather than a judgment.

My Dad does this all the time. Honestly I’d rather he do it than I have to spend time doing it/nagging my husband to do it so we can spend time with the kids (we both work full time). They are jobs that need doing and I don’t have time to do them, work and spend time with my kids so something has to give and honestly it’s the jobs. Someone else who has more time than me wants to do them then I’m all for it.

I'm just going to reiterate what lots have said already on here - this is how a lot of older men express their feelings.

My neighbour works away and while he was gone they had a break in. I went round and helped his partner even though I don't know either of them that well. She was really shaken up and she ended up staying at mine. He's a slightly awkward man, not particularly chatty but since the incident has taken to defrosting my car windscreen in the winter and cleaning my wheelie bins weekly. I see this as classic man love and his way of saying thanks rather than contemplating the other option that my bins are really smelly!

Is this a real thread? ...

Ofcourse he is doing this out of care! He sees that you are busy with your child and wants to do what he can to make your life easier! I would love that, I really would.

Speaking personally no one works on my house without my say so-ever.
I find it intrusive and potentially judgemental. I don't agree it is just his generations why of showing he loves you-my grandfather was the best odd job man I ever saw and he would not have dreamt of doing such a thing.

Nobody said you were a horrible person except yourself.

Various people have asked what kind of jobs he's been doing for you - you've decided not to answer apart from saying he's descaled your showerhead - presumably you chose to share that job with the group because you thought it was a job people would laugh at and look upon negatively.

For some reason you don't want to share the rest of the jobs he does around your house, the stuff that incredibly annoys you.... I can't imagine why...

That's just too lovely of your neighbour. He doesn't need to say a word to you, his acts of pure kindness says it all.
Classic man love indeed. How lucky we are to have these kind of men around 💙

Agree with all pp who have said this is an act of love.

For my dad it is checking the tyres, oil and water in my car!

YABU and not very kind. He probably finds it hard to engage with children and this is his way of showing love. My father is exactly the same. It’s a lovely thing to do. He isn’t judging you, he is genuinely trying to find things to ‘sort out’ that will help make your life easier, no matter how small.

TBH I’m female and nearly 50, if I babysit for any family members and notice little things (a loose slab, loose wiring in a plug, batteries need changing, weeding the garden etc) and the kids are sleeping/old enough to play while I do it then I’ll just crack on.
I do it as I feel that I’m helping by doing the little jobs that are annoying to do, maybe my family think I’m annoying 🤷‍♀️

Can you send him to my house? He sounds amazing.

Sounds like he’s just trying to help. Think you’re being a bit unreasonable to be honest. And I think he’s also setting a good example for your kids when he’s babysitting, they will think how kind that grandpa tries to help when he comes round.

he is trying to help you in his own way. I think it’s very sweet and caring of him.

I think you have out up some sort of boundaries to not accept help/be self sufficient as a coping mechanism for foing it alone for so long.

be kind to him. Don’t crush his efforts. I really don’t think it sounds judgemental unless they have acted judgy to you to give you that impression.

my god I would dearly love in-laws like that. I’m so overwhelmed with such jobs that I never have time to do!

You sound ungrateful I'd be over the moon descaling is a pain in the neck

@L26 or he is setting the example that childcare is woman’s work as MIL was left with the children.

And who carries around a descaling sachet for descaling emergencies?

I don't sound ungrateful at all

He used our kilrock which is in one of the utility cupboards. I'm glad I keep them all tidy!

I have been following this thread and have posted one reply. On reflection, some people are grateful for unsolicited help, others find it intrusive. If you’re the latter it’s a pain.
I have a relative through marriage who is grateful for any help,and doesn’t find it intrusive at all but I think she’s a lazy sod! 😊