Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

It’s possible that jobs are his love language. (Like feeding people was my mother’s.)

I honestly think it's out of love and Tring to be helpful and save you a job.
I've ended up in the funny situation of when ds1 comes over to ours and we are not in he will put the laundry on or peg the washing or any small job. When I'm at his and he's not in I've found myself doing the same.

I can see where you’re coming from. I’d feel a bit judged, like he thought I was too lazy to do it. Or, because I’m quite private, find it a bit invasive that he was poking around finding stuff to fix. But I think you have to see it as his way of helping you. Or “his love language is fixing things” as they would say on Instagram. And make a list of jobs if you don’t want him randomly doing stuff.

This has made me a bit teary and remembering my wonderful father who was never without a screwdriver in his back pocket and quietly did a hundred little jobs.

Unlike my fil (and mil) who’d just sit there and expect to be waited on hand and foot. Off topic but fil kept calling the hospital when I was having dd and telling dh to hurry up because they were bored looking after ds . If only he’d busied himself with a few odd jobs!

'Low self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-confidence, probable ASD, diagnosed anxiety, the list goes on.'

Yet you can't consider his feelings that he wants to feel useful, needed and gets joy from helping his loved ones.

Naval gazing and feeling sorry for yourself will lead to being self centred. Appreciated the help and perhaps guide him to things that you feel would be more useful to you rather than you judging him for helping.

What does his son think?

@rewarrrrd are your own family involved and close? Are you unused to families helping each other out? I hope you can start to think of this as a positive of being part of a loving family.

I think this may just be a mismatch in experience/ showing love. Your FIL likes to show he cares by doing stuff. That said, I do understand it can also be infuriating. If he is otherwise kind/ well-meaning please try and see it that way and also be kinder to yourself.

I'm not judging him.

I was airing my honest feelings on an anonymous forum which has helped me see a different side.

Thanks for your comments anyway I guess

Theyre just helping you, try to change your mindset... i personally hate when people touch my stuff aswell but really try not to be annoyed. If they move something, move it back. And dont dwell on it. Its their way of helping

Yep completely unused to it.

My husband does this for my daughter...(she's not his daughter) Lots of wee jobs. He does it because he cares, because he's kind, because we are retired and both she and her husband work really long hours. It's not judgemental. He enjoys it. I met him 6 years ago and he found so many things to do that have really benefitted the house. Her husband is also not good at DIY.

That's a very harsh response. She has already accepted she's taken it the wrong way.

Why would you batter someone who is showing vulnerability?

Agree it's out of love. As long as he's not doing anything particularly in opposition to your wishes.

My FIL used to do this, but doesn't have the physical capability anymore. I miss getting a bunch of DIY accomplished whenever PIL came over!

My goodness! A man showing his love and kindness and you’re upset and ungrateful? Sheesh!

I remember when DM used to come to look after DS, she would sew on holders for my tea towels and rearrange our sheet cupboard ( a state).
I found it annoying but I know she only wanted to help. As others have said point him in the direction if tasks you actually want done.

Bless him for babysitting, and trying to be helpful in a way he thinks he can be. It's done out of love, I'm sure. It would likely make him happy if you gave him a list and showed your appeciation for what he did (supporting you as best he knows) even if you think it's pointless.

Well, you know him. Is he a kind and loving person or a superior, judgemental one?

I do think it sounds like it is done out of love, rather than judgement. There are many people, particularly older men in my experience, who are not necessarily good at saying “I love you” and so express their love and care via doing practical things.

Now you are talking regarding ironing. Please please send whoever is doing your free ironing over to me. I was paying a fortune and in the end decided to do myself. Once I have done it and I never do more than 1 hour at a time I feel most smug but I would LOVE someone to do it for me (and better than me!)

Maybe give him a job next time? He gets to feel useful and helpful and you can control what he’s up to.

I agree, @WestEndWindy It was needlessly cruel.

OP, just ignore the unpleasant comments. Some people just seem to enjoy being rude.

I think it all depends on how he is with you and your husband. If he's nice, civil and friendly, then I'd say this was an act of love.

I would think he thinks he's doing it for his son, though, not you, to save him the bother of doing it. I would imagine he sees this as a man's job and isn't casting judgement on you. Unless your MIL is a great one for descaling showerheads?

OP - I'm sorry you're getting a hard time. You've acknowledged that perhaps this is a YOU issue and that you're going to try reframe it in your head. Ignore all the subsequent posters telling you how awful you are! :)

My children are much older now and my mum is long gone and my dad is quite elderly now but I do chuckle at how when we go to visit him, he still sees it as his job to make sure there's all the right foods for the family around and he prepares meals etc. He's not brilliant with children (better with teens actually so that's starting to improve again as the DC get older) but he wants to show his love, so this is what he does.