Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

OP- protect this man at all costs! He sounds amazing.

When I brought my first place, the first thing my older colleagues said is that parents need to feel needed! This is FILs way on being there for you and caring.

Tell me you haven’t read the thread without saying you haven’t read the thread.

When my Dad visits he always wants to fix stuff. He has got to an age where that is hard on him and he apologizes for not being able to help. Lol We live like 800 miles away so only visits here with Mom once year. I just want him to relax. He does now. He loves his computer so I bought one for my ofc so he can be on it whenever he's here. He always has to make sure I'm up to date on all updates. I only use my phone. That is not a judgement, he is just showing love how he can.

Please listen to me 😊
I am now 70+ and have a lot of life experience.
My advice? Just be grateful for the help. It might be his way of showing he cares. A lot of men show their caring side by doing ‘stuff.’
He is probably not judging you at all. If you pick up any ‘judginess’ then I understand.
Eg when I was much (much!) younger,single parent, stressful job,always knackered I would sometimes ask my mum and dad (retired) to pick bits up for me like bread, milk etc ( before mobiles email,online shopping )they would oblige and drop off the items. My mum would, for example, clean and tidy the kitchen then make really shitty comments like “Well I had to do it because you obviously are not doing it.” And other awful comments.
I fucking HATED it. It was so nasty. Why not “I thought it would help you, love.i know how busy you are.”
Eventually I took my key off them and stopped asking them to pick stuff up from the shops.
If your FIL is doing jobs and not making shitty comments but clearly trying to help - let him get on with it.
Long post 😊 - but it brought back crap memories 😕

It’s his way of showing he cares

Think it through. And work out what is bothering you so much.

Is it boundaries? Is it the thought of them freely poking through your home and privacy and changing things?

Or do you really feel it's negative judgement and they're not just "trying to be helpful"?

But you asked them to babysit??

Could you not sit down and discuss what jobs you would like to happen and what jobs they would like to help out with? Just create some boundaries.

But if grandpa isn't playing with your child, he probably didn't play with his own children at that age either. He's probably trying to keep himself usefully occupied to avoid playing with the grandchild - because that's not his comfort zone.

So what else has he done? Both pointless and fine!

Has the ‘send the free babysitter that also does odd jobs around the house for free round to my place’ gag been made yet?

Yes? About a million times…?

Relax and enjoy him helping out. If you say anything they'll stop coming and you'll regret it!!

Personally I think YABU ! He probably thinks he’s doing you a good turn by fixing these things. There’s always something needing sorted in my house I would bloody love this x

@Judecb so you have to put up with something a man does even if it makes you uncomfortable

I didn't say he is a narcissist. I said it was a narcissistic trait.
But well done on your staggeringly helpful sarcastic response.

My FIL does this and I adore him for it. When I was due with my youngest the in laws came to stay to watch the other kids when I went in to labour. When the contractions finally started him and MIL were 45 minutes away buying parts to fix my letter box 🙈
My dad, who I was very close to, was the same. As was my maternal grandfather. I loved them for it too. I can totally understand why it might feel intrusive or judgemental if you’re not used to being shown love in this way though.

Sounds v annoying and not asked for

@Tracker1234 I descale my own shower and tighten things up as needed. I’d definitely see it as overstepping because I do those things for myself But if @rewarrrrd doesn’t do those things I agree he is probably trying to be nice. Why not ask him why, nicely (because you’re curious). He probably equates it to someone helping by doing the washing up. Is he round on his own or is MIL with him?

So were your other kids with them while they were in the hardware shop?

This would feel to me as if they were causing more issues than they were there to help with. Main business of day: to care for other children at the point their Mum went into labour. Significant Other may have been needed to focus on helping Mum because of labour starting.

Actual energy expended: on faffing with the letterbox and taking themselves out of the radius of being helpful in the way that they were sincerely needed to BE helpful, for a completely minor issue. Problem of how to manage labour then transferred to Mum, kids etc.

Cos all your odd jobs are already sorted aren’t they Zom ! 😉

It’s definitely love BUT I would fetl like you anyway.

My FIL tends to replace things, so for example if our toaster had a slightly wobbly push down lever, he’d turn up next time with a really crappy “ nice, new” one. 🙄

It does feel judgmental ( makes me hyper that he’s noticing every little defect we have not quite got round to sorting) and also means we are stuck with a shittier one than I would have gone for. It got to the point that I hid all his “ upgrades” in a cupboard and would put them out each time ahead of his arrival … till I just couldn’t manage it anymore.

I agree that he's very likely doing it out of love rather than judgement. I would have
Loved a FIL like that. Mine wanted waiting on hand and foot!

He’s just trying to be useful. His way of showing love. Helping where he knows how. A generation thing. Embrace it. You’re lucky 🙂

My in-laws do this - they are a much handier generation than ours - they do things like tighten toilet roll holders, fix a loose patio stone, fix parasols etc.. it's definitely out of love. Enjoy having a few less jobs to do!

How, and why, do you descale a shower head……?
(Obviously I know the answers, and just want to see if anyone else does… :@)

You buy a sachet of descaler, mix with hot water, unscrew shower head and plunge it in to soak. This breaks down limescale build up which plugs the little holes the water shoots out of. Limescale won’t kill you though so not the end of the world if you don’t ( though of course you do).

Guiys in general don't tend to be "judgemental" about the state of a house the way some women are. I would bet that he is just really wanting to help out of love.

But if you don't like it, please send him my way! I don't have children to babysit, but have an old dog who would love more company and plenty of small jobs for him in the house.

It’s his love language.