Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

Same with my dad, his way of showing he cares and wants to help, its probably a generational thing too in terms of the woman looking after the kids. I have now turned it to my advantage and ask him to do a couple of handyman things that I need doing, that way he gets his feeling of helping and I get some DIY jobs ticked off.

Why would it be so difficult for FIL to say "whilst we're here, are there any little jobs you'd like doing?"
That would be showing both his love and consideration. But he doesn't do that. He does what he thinks is best. He may consider its out of love, but love without consideration of the other's feelings is flawed.

I’m honestly baffled as to why you would be so annoyed I would be grateful! I’m sure he’s not doing it out of judgment but probably just his way of helping out. My MIL has my 2 year old while I work one day a week and she always does little bits for me while he naps which I’m so grateful for. Yesterday it was the shutter blinds she cleaned and the kitchen sink. I cba with that so I appreciate it!

I had double do’s both MIL and FIL used to do stuff when they used to come to look after kids from school

done with the best intentions and from the point of view they were helping

MIL used to iron tee shirts then fold them to the size of a stamp creases and lines all over them

FIL used to cut grass we have a very long lawn looked as though someone was pissed when they were cutting it I’m not ocd about stripes but he’d zig zag all over and miss bits

the only thing I struggled with was MIL cleaning the George Forman with a knife and Brillo pad

just smiled and said thanks but they were genuinely pleased with themselves that they thought they had helped which is nice

the certainty went judging there there type of people who potter doing jobs all the time

Well it's clearly not the usual MN response as most people have backed the FiL.

He probably likes to feel useful. Hands in childcare doesn't come easy to some older me . He's showing he cares maybe in the only way he knows how. Leave him a list. 😉

His love language is likely acts of service
my partner and my sisters partner do this every time we visit my parents
it's not judgement it's their way of showing thanks for the meal or care they give by embracing them as family and because they can do they do

My PILs used to do this, it drove me mad.

In their case it was seriously judgmental, after one visit MIL “helpfully” pointed out that if I did xx my house would be “so much cleaner”. My “joking” response to her was that if her son, my DH did those things it would be.

FIL once sanded & revarnished a coffee table because it looked a bit tatty but that was part of its charm & it had sentimental value to me.

I put up with it for several years but when she “helpfully” massacred my garden while doing a bit of weeding it was the last straw and they haven’t been in my house for many years now.

It doesn’t really matter what their motivation is if you don’t want them to do it IMO.

I do think it is interesting that many people think it is fine for men to do this without asking first,,doesn’t matter if a woman feels uncomfortable with it. We should just let them do it as that is what men do.

I have no problem with someone doing DIY to help but they should ask first.

I think you've had some really harsh answers.

It's possible to feel glad that a job has been done for you and also to feel unhappy/uncomfortable that your FIL has meddled and done things you didn't ask him to do - especially if your PIL have a history of overstepping!

I'd make a list in future. But emphasise that you don't want him to do anything else.

I wouldn't like them mooching round my house looking for things to 'fix' either.

Love languages. Understanding what someone’s love language is will often stop the feeling that you just want to throttle them.

Whenever I have babysat at my son and daughter in law's house I have pottered about. Never done anything major but caught up with washing up, folded washing the way I know they like it. Always out of love not judgement 😊

I think a little tidying, emptying the dishwasher etc would be ok and helpful, but I’d really not be comfortable with bigger jobs / DIY.

I don’t think he’s coming from a judgemental place at all and is just trying to be helpful, but I really don’t think it’s ok for someone to make changes to your own home without first asking if it’s ok.

I do think it’s overstepping a boundary…I wouldn’t dream of going round to their home and start edging the lawn, or treating bathroom mould (for example).

I could find things for him to do as well. He's welcome to drop in with his toolbox.

PLEASE send him to my house. I don't have a FIL and my husband (although a time served joiner and current maintenance supervisor) is as much use as a chocolate fireguard when it comes to jobs in the house. I would give a kidney for someone to come and do all the odd jobs round my house.

What’s not to like?😁

So if someone’s love language is giving hugs and you don’t like hugs should you just accept it as it is their thing.

I'm not much fussed on hugs but I accept them in the spirit they are intended. Love is life after all and it's far more meaningful to me than a bit of temporary discomfort.

If someone finds them unbearable though then another solution will need to be found.

I can only hope your username is accurate and you are not a mum. I think it best that someone with such limited understanding and intelligence doesn't have children.
Here's an emoticon for you as I'm not sure how well you understand words 💩

I think I've been a bit pot, kettle and black above. I'm guessing @Notamum12345577 is a dad or a man at least.
I do assume everyone on MN is female and of course they are not.

I do think there are some very naive posters on this thread. I had a similar-ish experience to the OP (not a FIL and person was female) and it tipped me over the edge and was the catalyst for me getting therapy. Nine months and hundreds of pounds worth of therapy. As I said before, if you don't understand, then count yourself lucky.
That's just my experience and I hope @rewarrrrd finds dealing with it easier than me.

He sounds like my dad. It won’t be about judgement. Honestly he’s not thinking that deeply- he just wants to help.
My dad adores his grandkids but he isn’t the type to with them for ages playing or reading or having deep chats or stuff like that. He gets on with jobs and a lot of the time the kids trail around after if him trying to ‘help’ lol. It’s his love language.
If you don’t want him doing the jobs just tell him. But unless he doing them badly or making changes that aren’t to your taste, I’d leave him to it.

But a dad is so different from a FIL.

But a dad is so different from a FIL
But he is OP'sDH DF though.
He's not some random walking through the house tightening screws and tightening washers.
Dh may appreciate the help.

One of my three sons visits me and sees odd little jobs that need doing (I'm a widow aged 83) and I am so grateful for his thoughtfulness.

He's showing you he cares, I think it's great as the kids get older they will get interested and then might learn some useful life skills. He's not judging you (if he is it's very mild and makes him feel good and useful) my dad wallpapered a room for me once the pattern was upside down!!! It made me smile everytime I saw it. He was very proud of himself. He also was fantastic with the kids as they got older. Chill