Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

Play along with it. Give him a list and politely say "you did such a good job on the $%^&* would you be able to help with these?"

I think it's a generational think. My darling dad used to always find wee jobs to do when he visited. It was his he showed his love. I wish he was still here to do it.

Definitely a caring way to show love. Took me years to get it. My dad never spoke lovingly to me, I always wanted one of those close dads, but then on his last visit to me ( he was to die unexpectedly of heart attack a few weeks later) whilst I was out with my mum and the kids he stripped down my gas cooker and cleaned all the bits. It still makes me cry. And my mum said, almost resentfully, he’s never cleaned my gas stove like that.
its generational largely like women who would rather cook food for their loved ones instead of saying I love you. Seriously it’s not judgmental he’s wanting to give you something in return for what you give him. It’s very British and the best he can do.

If you feel the jobs are pointless- why don’t you give him a list of things that you would want done so he feels useful. I echo the post about feeling useful

Did the FIL have a sachet of descaler with him?

Me too, I'd be happy for help descaling the shower head etc.
I keep asking my dad round to babysit and do handyman jobs for me. I offer to do his grocery shopping and treat him to lunch. But that's as I've asked him to do the jobs.
It's nice when someone helps out around the house, but I wouldn't want anyone moving my things around without asking, but just fixing things I think is really helpful 😊👍💕
xx

Gently, he probably doesn’t realise all that.

He’s trying to be useful; people like to be useful.

When DH and I go to “ babysit “ our grandkids ( 15, 13, 9 ) my DH often does little jobs that their very busy parents haven’t a lot of time to do.
Think - rewasher taps, get wardrobe door running better etc
Our son and DIL are delighted ! LOL

@HorsesAreRunningOn3LegsTonight does he ask what needs doing or does he go round the house looking for things to do? Does he not like interacting with the grandkids?

We usually go for 3 or 4 days, Sat - Tues , when their parents have to go away for work,so he does the odd jobs when they’re at school.
Yes, he loves being with them and they love being with us as well.

Forgot to say , my son will jokingly drop hints about odd jobs - we have a great relationship with son and DIL x

So you freely admit it's a "you" problem - not a FIL problem?

Of course not but you if him doing the jobs is making her feel ill then she doesn’t have to let him and ignore her feelings. He can be similarly empathetic to her situation.

That doesn't make it a "her" problem. But probably explains why it causes the OP more distress than for others.
It's really pissing me off how many people have simply told OP to ignore her feelings and suck it up just because they believe they believe FIL is showing his love. The reality is he's made assumptions. In this case thats about what is OK to do around her house and whilst it may not be out of judgement, he hasn't considered her feelings. Loving relationships are a 2 way street and should be open to understanding the other's perspective. OP has shown willing to do that by asking on here. It's perfectly reasonable to guide FILs understanding of OP'S feelings. Her feelings matter as much as his, as long as it's approached with appreciation not judgement.

My dad likes to do something to help where he can but doesn’t generally mess with anything unless I’m there or have asked him, my in laws however treat my house like they are staying in a centre parcs lodge working their way round it, putting the dishwasher on, emptying it, cooking lunch when I was coming back to do it etc. it makes me feel really uncomfortable as I hate the thought of them going through my house even if it’s just the kitchen. I feel I’m probably over territorial but if you are a visitor behave like one. I’m scared to touch anything in someone else’s house. YANBU

I wouldn’t take it so negatively my dad adores his grandchildren but he’d much rather be doing something practical to help which is what it sounds like your fil is doing. You might see them as pointless jobs but it’s a job you don’t have to do anymore.

clearly you have issues that you need to resolve and it has nothing to do with you FIL

Why does FIL's comfort matter more than OP's?

Why does that invalidate OP's feelings?
This thread shows OP is not alone in disliking this type of behaviour.

Someone came in, looked after your kids and descaled the shower head and you’re moaning? That’s really quite a dream combo tbh.

I don’t have a FIL as my husband never knew his dad, but if I did, this is the kind of childcare I could get on board with.

My own dad’s love language is fixing my car, making sure it’s serviced and MOTd etc. I’m not complaining, it’s nice to have a personal mechanic 🤣

Maybe rtft

Rude

OP said that’s why she was struggling to address the situation - it doesn’t mean that she wrong to feel like FIL is overstepping (which he is). As “nice” or “loving” as the task doing might be (for all we know, he is being judgemental!), the fact remains that he is doing these things without asking - which is rude!

Glad to see this response, I was getting concerned that I hadn’t seen the usual MN response. He is a man and a FIL so obviously he is doing it because he has narcissistic tendencies, and won’t be doing it to help or show love, as men are lazy and only think of themselves! 🤣🤣