Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

[rewarrrrd]

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

My PIL used to do this and I hated it.
MIL would tidy and and arrange things the way she thought they should go or do 'helpful' things like throwing food out of the fridge that she thought was out of date but it was defrosting or throwing out my oven liners because she didn't know what they were.
FIL would find things he thought needed doing like, painting a little table I'd spent ages sanding with some hideous old wood stain from his garage or putting up some shelves we'd bought for our bedroom but in the dining room.
They do it because they need to feel useful and go and want tell all their friends how they've had to go and babysit for Tupperware and do loads of jobs.

Woah. My Mum and Dad are both like this and I just see it as them trying to help me out? They're our village and that means helping with the kids and pitching in where they can. Some people just like to be busy as well. Honestly I can't imagine being annoyed by someone helping me! Good you've started to reflect though...

I think it's out of love.

Options are:

1. give him jobs you don't like/can't do - would you be able to help me with X please, oh crikey we never get round to sorting y, I hate cleaning the oven. That sort of thing. My DDad has an obsession with shiny pans, like when you've just bought them all. My frying pan is clean but often stains and he will spend a long time making them shiny.

2. Find something that he can do which engages with his grandkids depending on how old they are. Hey grandad, they'd love to build a bird box, make this Lego set, play with Meccano, understand how to use tools.

From my experience with my dad, he really struggled when my kids were young. He was never at home when I was that age (self employed, worked v long hours), struggled to connect. As soon as they were 5/6, the world changed. They built things, cooked, did craft sets, went for walks etc.

Be grateful! In fact, leave him a list!

Wow descaling the shower head, is intrusive, I mean what was he doing to notice that needed doing?

Lots of posters are saying its mens way of showing they care, in my family its their way of showing they don't have a clue about children and don't want to mix with them. Either way its not ok if you aren't ok with it. He should ask permission before doing jobs you haven't said need doing.

He was probably using the loo and could see it needed doing. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to spend time with little children. I really hate it and would rather do just about anything else.

Then perhaps don't offer to babysit? 🙄

He probably didn’t, it’s entirely possible he got taken along for the ride. 🙄

And Hes a grown man who can make decisions for himself. The onus is on him to say no if he didn't want to babysit, even though op says they offered. Doesn't give him reason to go surveying the house.

Doing jobs is one of the love languages. Please find a way to appreciate (and guide) this clumsy manifestation of affection.

🤣🤣

Yanbu.

My mother does this, she'll come for a visit and spend half the time fucking cleaning or folding up my fucking pants.

It's rude and intrusive.

Think you’re coming off as ungrateful here op. I’d love if any odd jobs got done without me even asking that sounds amazing. Kids don’t need 100 helicopter parenting attention so as long as he’s keeping an eye on the kids and doing what needs done I think that’s a brilliant role model for your children who will soon enough want to help out. I want to know exactly all the jobs tho as it’s hard to give an opinion when the jobs are very vague or you’re just giving them one at a time. I’d just appreciate it and accept it’s how he is and be grateful

really have to make myself see the good

My DF was like this, so much so that I'd keep a list to jobs for him to do. As your DC get a bit older, they may enjoy 'helping' Grandad

As I got older, I learned lots from my father about house maintenance which has stood me in very very good stead indeed. It was also very easy to talk to him while we were engaged in a task. Some of my fondest memories of him are of time spent with him while we did things around the house.

It's all good.

I really don't like hugs much at all
yet I don't get offended by hugs and assume they are offered out of malice or unkindness but accept they are intended generally to be displays of affection
if the op really dislikes the acts of service from her FIL perhaps a gentle quiet adult word would be best to highlight she's grateful but that it makes her uncomfortable
Much the same way I let people know I'm not much of a hugger and people do seem to respect it
also you can't compare fixing a broken tap to a hug that invades personal space and requires a level of consent and agreement from both parties

Oh no I do this. My son's cupboard were full of crumbs so while I waited for the kettle to boil I cleaned it, my daughter asked me to taste her chilli. The heavy lid to the pot was loose I got a knife out and screwed the screw to tighten it

Jealous!
my dad sits on his phone playing candy crush or checking his horses.

I think it's out of love.

My DF would do this. Fix little things (often with my DS helping), do little jobs. I was always so pleased.

I wish he was here now I've got so much that needs doing ❤️

Send her round here, she can be as rude and intrusive as she likes if she does free cleaning.

I actually get this. I find it intrusive.
We have security cameras and I've been at work and seen my FIL arrive to our house and go in with random people to do 'odd jobs' or just to show off our house. I get he is proud but feel privacy is violated. We don't know he is planning these things.
He went round one day (don't know what he was doing) but we had rushed 5 kids out the house to head to work and beds weren't made, kids toys on their bedroom floor etc and he was walking round the kids rooms saying 'bombsite' and making their beds and shaking his head.
He also went Into our ensuite and emptied my Sanitary bin of used tampons and pads!!! I was MORTIFIED. I mean mortified. I know he thinks he is helping but I find it very intrusive.
Another time I was sitting in my kitchen drinking a cup of tea whilst double pumping breast milk at 9am one Sunday morning. Dressing gown open. Back of our house has glass walls but our back garden is completely private.
Instead of calling to the front door he walked round to the back?! Seen me in full view with boobs out. I felt so embarrassed. We since put locks on the gates.

Perhaps give him a list of jobs that he could do that would be really helpful to you Then treat him to something special.

Definitely out of love. My dad is very handy but not so good looking after small children. But I loved watching my dad do diy as a young kid, it was always done with love and care for our home. If you can do things and are at a loved ones house and think, do you know what, I will save them a job and do that as i know how to do it. Then I am sure he would have been doing it thinking how much he was helping you and probably feeling very pleased with himself for doing it. As for thinking of activities for small children to do this is probably way out of his sphere of knowledge so hes just helping the way he knows how. I would maybe ask if he has any jobs that your little ones can help with, he might love to teach them to hammer a nail but not know the first thing of what to do with a playdough set for example.

OMG I would HATE such intrusion - throwing away food which is thawing, putting up shelves in the wrong room. It’s not only intrusive but it’s stupid behaviour.
Washing and drying dishes then wiping down kitchen surfaces, great. I’d be grateful for that. Anything else suggests they’d be looking for jobs that need to be done because you’d not done them.

His love language might be acts of service.

YABU. Always amazes me when people get so irritated over people showing kindness to them. Be grateful, gracious, and kindly tell him if there’s something you’d rather he did or didn’t do. Why are British people (I am one) so uptight and unable just to be direct with one another?! Unless he’s done something really dreadful, be grateful - you could be on your tod without any child support.