16 year old son ignored my birthday

[Em2024]

AIBU - my 16 year old son completely ignored my birthday - no card, no present not even a happy birthday Mum! I shouted at him and told him he was horrible because I do absolutely everything for him and he said I shouldn’t speak to a child like that! I feel so upset that I have raised a child who can be so horrible. What do I do?

Absolutely nothing, for him for as long as it takes for him to buy you a suitable card and gift.

What do you do?
You conveniently forget his next birthday, that’s what you do.
It’s called tough love.

Stick to your guns.

If you think that telling your child he is horrible is acceptable then it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out where this might stem from..

Has he got a GCSE chemistry exam this morning?

Did he know it was your birthday?

What does he normally do for it?

I understand you're disappointed but
I think it's rather horrible to call him horrible.

He's 16. You can't guilt him by saying you do everything when essentially that's our roles as parents.

It sounds like you two don't have a very healthy relationship which I think is the more pressing issue.

There isn't much you can do, but, what has happened in previous birthdays?

YANBU to be upset, but I don't think it's fair to hang what you do as a parent over his head for anything. You chose to be a parent, and what you do as one is what you should be doing. He shouldn't be made to feel like he owes you anything - not even birthday wishes - in return for you being a parent.

I’d forget his.

Following on from above …
Absolutely STOP doing “everything for him.”
This is not teaching him anything about real life.
You are setting him up to be a useless lazy entitled partner or husband. Start stepping back from some of the stuff you do for him. If he’s eventually going to Uni there’s no Mum there to do “absolutely every for him!”

Start today!

They are thoughtless and self absorbed at that age.

i’d leave it now. Hopefully he will feel shit & come up with a card and gift

i was so sure mine would forget that I bought and wrapped my own gifts from him, gave them to him, then banged on his door at 7am and told him it was my birthday and present opening time.

worked, he remembered from 18 on.

I don't think you handled it well, OP. Tell him what your expectations are in advance. Does he have his GCSEs at the moment?

16 year olds are wrapped up in their own world. What is he like normally? I have 4 children. One of them is very quiet, introverted, barely speaks to us anyway. I don't think he's wished me a happy birthday since he was about 3. It doesn't bother me.

The others do say it. Sometimes they'll produce a mug. The youngest will make a card (draw on piece of paper!) I don't ever expect a reaction from the eldest because he's not that type of person.

I think shouting at him was a bit much. You could have just told him you were disappointed.

Well clearly birthday is a big deal for you. It isn't for me, couldn't care less tbh. I hate getting rubbish presents that I never wanted.
So if it's important instead of telling him that he's horrible, explain how it makes you feel. Tell him what is important to you etc. But maybe next year remind him? Teens are inevitably self centred

But brace yourself because when he moves out in a few years he probably won't remember either.

Personally I prefer when they remember to clean up after themselves ! Better present than birthday!

You both sound incredibly childish. Maybe ‘doing absolutely everything for him’ has contributed massively to your relationship dynamic. It’s time to talk to your child like an adult.

And this is how we end up with selfish, self centred, brats. We really shouldn’t set the bar so low for our children if we want them to grow into functioning adults. It’s basic good manners to wish someone you live with a happy birthday. I’d be tempted to cut him some slack about the card and present if he’s mid GCSEs but a cup of tea and a happy birthday really shouldn’t be beyond the capability of a 16 year old.

Ignored, forgot and didn't realise are different things.

Did he really ignore?

Is he in the middle of GCSEs?
is there another adult around who reminded him and he purposely didn’t mention it?
mine might not remember if I didn’t drop heavy hints (single parent) but I do because I know they’d feel bad about it if they did forget

' I shouted at him and told him he was horrible '

You wouldn't be getting a birthday acknowledgment from me either, given your short temper and abusive words.

Poor boy probably just wanted to steer clear of you.

What an absurd, overindulgent view.

I agree.

I don't think you have any excuse to call him names.

Of course you shouldn't "forget" his birthday, you are an adult and he is a dc.

You should have told him you were hurt and left it.

I can't imagine telling my child they are horrible for not marking my birthday. I can imagine asking if they've forgotten anything and telling them to bring me home some chocolate and insisting on a hug. Why did you react so badly, this isn't about your birthday, sounds like you are feeling wairn down generally.

Firstly is there another adult in the house? If not and it was just on him to remember the date then it's prob not a huge surprise.

His response when challenged sounds defensive and realising he has forgotten he is turning it on you. But there may be something in the way you went about it. I know you will have been upset but explaining how it made you feel rather than telling him he's horrible might have elicited a more conciliatory response.

And as others have said if he's mid-gcse then there's another layer of stress sitting on his shoulders.

Happy birthday OP. I hope your day gets better.

We have all bollocked our kids when theyre being selfish, maybe not saying what OP did say but its done. Apologise OP for kicking off to your son, but also promptly tell him that he starts doing his own stuff from now on, you wont be taken for granted. He washes his clothes, gets his own food, cleans after himself, does everything for himself (he should be doing anyway but you know). You dont even need to make this a standoff, smile move on , do nothing for him. Itll register

You over reacted in a nasty way. A better reaction might have been “I was a bit hurt that you didn’t acknowledge my birthday today”. FWIW neither of my now adult kids would have marked any birthdays without prompting from a parent. It’s just not that important to them!