16 year old son ignored my birthday

[Em2024]

AIBU - my 16 year old son completely ignored my birthday - no card, no present not even a happy birthday Mum! I shouted at him and told him he was horrible because I do absolutely everything for him and he said I shouldn’t speak to a child like that! I feel so upset that I have raised a child who can be so horrible. What do I do?

Two ends of the spectrum I guess!! I’m not judging by the way, I’m just a little bit fascinated by how different some peoples childhoods are.

I can absolutely understand you’re hurt but your reaction (along with many others on here) was over the top. Teenagers are thoughtless at times, it’s not ok but that’s part of the parenting umbrella. Both to grit your teeth through these years and to model better behaviour. You needed to talk to him about how hurtful it is not to acknowledge loved ones birthdays, and if he did this to a partner/spouse in future then they would be wondering what kind of inconsiderate arse they were living with. That as his mum you can put it aside this year but in future, he needs to consider people beyond himself.

I think you need to apologise for shouting (especially if he’s in the middle of his GCSEs!) but also would like an apology in return. Then move on.

@Naunet

I probably sound rich but I'm not. I grew up in one of the most deprived areas in the UK and we were poor.

I still live here but my dds have definitely had a better life than me

Boys and men are not into birthdays the way women are . They see birthday cards etc as a waste of money . I've seen them throw cards straight into a bin after opening them . Once when the staff went all out for a guys big birthday at work, he dumped all the cards in a dumpster at the back of the workplace on his way home . The op sons could have wished her a Happy Birthday 🎂. Now he has learned to keep her sweet and any other woman in his life is to be more thoughtful and put effort in .

The people in my life care about my birthday, as I do theirs. But on mumsnet lots of people are selfish and don't want to put in effort for anyone.

Sorry I don’t think shouting and telling him he’s horrible is the best way to handle it. I know you were upset so I’d have calmly explained how you were feeling and then leave it at that.

Is he going through any exams at the moment that his head may be elsewhere? Could he have genuinely forgotten? I say this as one of my brothers always forgot our parents birthdays and we had to remind him.

I suggest you do absolutely nothing for him for a week no cooking nothing. He needs to understand not to take you for granted like this. There is no way I'd have let my DS get away with this.

I have two sons in their late teens. About a week or so before my birthday I remind them it’s my birthday, and I mention it again through the week.
At that age, my birthday is not top of their priority list, but it’s nice to be acknowledged. They’re also pretty skint and not good at budgeting, so I’m happy if it comes in the form of a brew in bed or a bar of my favourite chocolate.

"Forget it, he's 16. Your birthday isnt important to him, just accept that."

Yep. Let's all contribute to another generation of shit men.

Horrible? He's not being horrible. But you certainly were - and behaved worse than a toddler not getting some sweets.
Is he doing his GCSEs? That will be his major focus recently.
Basically teens (or all kids) are pretty selfish. When it's my birthday, if we are doing anything, it's discussed and arranged (dinner out etc). If at home I do mention that we'll have a nice meal or takeaway to remind them it's coming up! But I don't want them buying me anything - a card or even a hug and a happy birthday. And while I might feel a little pang if nothing is forthcoming I certainly do not shout at them!
Do you have a partner? Did they arrange something? Mine (he's deceased) would definitely have rallied the kids to do something along the lines of 'it's mum's birthday next week what shall we do to make her feel special'?
I think you should apologise to your son for shouting and calling him horrible, but say you are a bit disappointed that they didn't acknowledge your day. Then act like the adult and leave it at that. This tit for tat stuff PPs are suggesting? How pathetic.

This is bizarre. Have you never made a fuss of them on their birthday? Surely for people whose parents/family make birthdays an occasion/celebration, it’s natural to return the sentiments?

My sons have always loved at least saying happy birthday. IME with my own kids and those of friends, the progression just naturally goes:

Other parent/family member buys a card. Small child scribbles in it.

Other parent buys card. Child
writes in it.

Other parent may or may not buy small present for child to give to Birthday person.

Other parent reminds child to get card for birthday person. Gives them the money if necessary “Don’t forget its mums birthday on Saturday. Pop into the Spar on your way home from school and get her a card”.

And so on until child is old enough to buy presents for others himself.

My younger son in particular was so excited this year when he chose, ordered and bought birthday and Xmas pressies for family for the first time with his own money.

I mean if you’ve never done birthdays in your house at all it’s different but surely if your children have always enjoyed their own birthdays it’s natural that they want to return the favour - to make someone else happy like you’ve made them?

Really peculiar and cold 🤷‍♀️

Boys and men are not into birthdays the way women are

Firstly this is bullshit. I’m sure a 16 year old boy would be very put out not to get anything for his birthday. And is evidenced here, plenty of women are not that bothered about their own birthday.

Once when the staff went all out for a guys big birthday at work, he dumped all the cards in a dumpster at the back of the workplace on his way home

Isnt he a delight.

Now he has learned to keep her sweet and any other woman in his life is to be more thoughtful and put effort in

Keep her sweet? For what reason? Having basic social manners isn’t to ‘keep women sweet’…

Women especially place little value on themselves when their kids are growing up. Always putting them selves at the back of the queue and servicing others first.

This why certain kids couldn’t give a fuck if it was their mother’s birthday/Mother’s Day - sometimes even their husbands.

Why shout? Tell him that next birthday/ Christmas/mothering Sunday you expect a card/ present/ breakfast in bed whatever. Amd personally I'd remind him a week or two beforehand. My children have been brought up to enjoy getting presents and doing thoughtful things for others. It's never been about monetary value, one of my most treasured possessions is a little trinket my dc got me of the Internet, all if their own volition ( but using the credit card I had stored on there but threy didn't know that)

"Basically teens (or all kids) are pretty selfish"

Well, they are if we collude with them...

I’m amazed at some of the responses on here. It seems some parents of teens/ young adults don’t expect their children to treat them with even basic respect and will tolerate and even defend the most shitty behaviour.

We all need further context op.

Sorry but if you’ve shouted at him and told him he’s horrible during his GCSE’s, that’s awful and likely something he won’t forget.

@LostTheMarble

Happy wife = Happy life

Not acknowledging op’s birthday is shit, but op’s reaction was far too excessive.

Is he doing GCSEs at the moment? I'd like to think that he'd forgotten rather than deliberately ignoring your birthday, unless there's more going on here that we don't know about? I think you'd have been better to stay calm and tell him how sad and hurt you feel that he didn't make any effort to wish you a happy birthday in some way, instead of shouting at him and telling him how horrible he is. Maybe try and have a conversation with him when you are both calmer?

Are you a man? Or a stepford wife?

It’s rubbish from him but your reaction was far worse.

Your reaction does seem a bit OTT.

Teenagers are selfish, and while I think a forgotten birthday should be dealt with, the response needs to be proportionate.

What happened last year and in previous years?

Have circumstances changed (like dad or gran used to be involved and now they aren't or whatever)?

Is there a back story?

No you don't...because he's a child! He's 16 not 36. Teenage boys don't think of things like buying cards and flowers at their age. Just let it go! What adult is this bothered about their birthday...