16 year old son ignored my birthday

[Em2024]

AIBU - my 16 year old son completely ignored my birthday - no card, no present not even a happy birthday Mum! I shouted at him and told him he was horrible because I do absolutely everything for him and he said I shouldn’t speak to a child like that! I feel so upset that I have raised a child who can be so horrible. What do I do?

Same here.

My husband is really good at this stuff, I've never done the wife work of writing Christmas cards to his family etc but generally I think boys are a bit rubbish at this and need a kick up the behind from the other parent, which DH and I have always done. My ds is at uni and I will remind him that it's Father's Day this weekend.

You are being unreasonable to expect him so remember and get a gift etc whilst in the middle of his GCSEs! Did you remember to wish him luck for his exams? Do you have a partner to remind him? I think it’s the other parent’s responsibility to get the DC organised for the parent’s birthday.

36 year old men don’t think about acknowledging others (especially women in their lives) birthdays because they’re not brought up on it at 16. When they’re taught to ‘think about it’ during the age they need to be parented, they learn to do it without being told as adults.

What adult is this bothered about their birthday...

The op, as she’s entitled to. But women in particular are expected to not expect even if it’s the only day of the year specifically about them…

My kids always do, my eldest did from about 10ish independently. I don't think it's a huge amount to ask.

And now we know why so many adult men are absolutely shite at remembering birthdays and palm it off onto a wife/partner at the first available opportunity. Poor ickle sixteen year old can't possibly be expected to give a shit about his own mother, and he's far too ickle to be shouted at.

I would have been extremely upset too. Not so much about the card or the gift but the fact that he didn't even acknowledge your birthday, it was just plain rude.
Teenagers can be so self centred sometimes.
I think you need to tell him later how hurt you were but maybe apologise for calling him horrible (even though what he did was) and hopefully he will apologise for forgetting
I'm guessing he is in the middle of GCSEs, which is why he forgot but he still needs to accept he was wrong.
Happy birthday by the way 🙂

ABirdsEyeView · Today 08:54
Agree there's a big difference between forgetting and not bothering.
I don't entirely accept that being a teen is a get out of jail free card for being thoughtless and selfish. Wishing mum a happy birthday is not that onerous a task. But if he did just completely forget the date, I'd not be cross about that”

This. My mum usually forgets my birthday. It’s become a running joke. Have I ever shouted at her about it? Hell no, of course not. Because I’m a grown up.

Yeah maybe shouting was a bit OTT but sometimes it can be a wake up call.

Too many people excusing poor behaviour from teens here. No wonder so many people grow up selfish only thinking of themselves.

Most people don't care about birthdays per se but it's what they represent about making someone feel special/thought of.

I wouldn't apologise (yet) op to your son if you do - he'll end up feeling even more so that he was the right and you've been out of order to tell him off. Let him stew on it for a bit it may be the dose of reality he needs.

@Agix

you absolutely do owe your parents birthday wishes

Did he deliberately ignore it or forget, there's a diference. Especially if he is doing GCSEs.

But I'm wondering if OP's 'horrible' reaction, while it seems OTT in isolation, was actually the last straw and that he is generally selfish and entitled.

Of course I have celebrated their birthdays because they are children. I am an adult, I don't need a fuss making as if I am 5 years old. Or for them to be getting all excited about it as if they are still 5 years old.

But thanks for calling me really peculiar. I appreciate it. 👍🏼

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie

eveyone deserves having a fuss made of them at times whether they are 5 years old or 50! Let people spoil you a bit - you’re not just a mum, you’re a person - you matter too!

Yabu
He IS a child.
Yeah it's thoughtless and selfish abd you should have told him that. But to make a big deal behind pointing that out is ott. Calling him a horrible person is ott... he's just a teenager and yes they are self absorbed even the most lovely ones.
And these people saying to ignore his birthday in revenge are batshit. That is your child. It's next level wrong to ignore your own child's birthday.. it's not equivalent to your teen child forgetting yours.
Remember that you raise the children you then deal with as an adult.
Its you who are the parent and should be setting an example of emotional maturity and taking the high road.
So you say 'I'm a bit hurt that you completely forgot my birthday, that isn't very kind'
You then put the date in his phone calander for next year so he gets a reminder, and you leave at that.
No name calling and emotive language.
You want to raise a reasonable adult then start by behaving like a reasonable adult.

This needs to stop, it’s just giving boys a free pass not to have consider others, either have this attitude towards boys AND girls, or neither. It’s this attitude that means we end up with future generations of women still feeling like they have to cover for their shit husband/boyfriends and buy gifts and cards on his behalf for his family.

It sounds OTT for me.

But what else can we extrapolate from one very short opening post? Pretty pointless to even discuss.

Nothing. You don't deserve to get a present or card, and he certainly doesn't deserve to be guilt tripped.
You'll never know if he's buying you anything in future because he wants to or because he feels obligated or to avoid you throwing a hissy fit. Don't be so entitled.

I am sure that is meant to be kind and validating, for which I thank you. However, external validation isn't something that matters to me. I am a person who happens to have children, they are not my raison d'etre.

I am not stopping anyone spoiling me if they choose to, I just do not expect it. I also do not see picking up a card from the corner shop in passing as spoiling me.

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie

totally agree with you that having children shouldn’t be anyone’s raison D’etre! And even so I think at the very least 16 year olds should be able to get their parents a birthday card and say happy birthday!

You absolutely don't!

@Famfirst

why not? Surely it’s part and parcel of being a decent human being unless you have totally terrible parents (which are few and far between)

I have found this thread very interesting. I am surprised at how many people wouldn't mind or wouldn't care if their dc did this, at the excuses for such rude behaviour.

I think it might go some of the way towards explaining why behaviour is deteriorating in schools - little princes whose every misdemeanour is lovingly excused at home.

OP, nothing wrong with setting out reasonable expectations. We accept the behaviour we walk past.

Only forgivable if he's mid-exams and genuinely forgot and was apologetic.

You sound like an absolute joy!

Is he in the middle of GCSEs and just forgot? You could have reminded him in a jokey way. A bit childish to shout at him and call him horrible.

Thank you!

Why does someone not craving or needing external validation in their life bother you so much? I fully agree with you @ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie

A cheap card bought in a hurry would mean nothing to me either!