16 year old son ignored my birthday

[Em2024]

AIBU - my 16 year old son completely ignored my birthday - no card, no present not even a happy birthday Mum! I shouted at him and told him he was horrible because I do absolutely everything for him and he said I shouldn’t speak to a child like that! I feel so upset that I have raised a child who can be so horrible. What do I do?

This is not the win you think it is! Some people 🙄

terns may be ‘self absorbed’ but it costs nothing to say ‘happy birthday’

I would be really hurt too

there is no excusing this level of selfishness - unless challenged it will continue until adulthood.

i really hate how all teen behaviour in this day and age is excused. manners maketh man - and the everyone should learn to respect and consider other people.

them totally ignoring it is so rude and really inconsiderate of your child. How hurt would they be I’d you totally ‘forgot’ their birthday… a lot to be said about learning to stand in another shoes and see their point of view.

I hope your teen has reflected on how hurt you are - but I have a feeling they will be to ‘entitled’ to do so… unless we call out this level of selfishness - what on Earth will become of the next generation?

I think you were right to call it out.

I hope you can do something nice with friends etc .

I suspect you have bigger problems in your relationship and this is just one symptom. Tell us more about the dynamic in your home?

Birthdays are big in our house so this just wouldn’t happen. I would feel hurt in your position but I think there is a lot of talking and reflecting that needs to go on.

I have a 16 year old and I expect him to remember my birthday. I do remind him that it's coming up though.

I wouldn't however call him horrible and as a PP said further up threaten to cut them off financially. That's just spiteful.

Teens don't forget our birthdays to be horrible, they're just wrapped up in themselves at that age. A gentle nudge tp remind them that the world doesn't revolve around them is fine, nastiness isn't.

Do you mean he definitely knew it was your birthday, you’d mentioned it beforehand and he refused to acknowledge it?

What I never understand about these frequent birthday disappointment threads is do families not discuss these things in advance? I like birthdays, we all do, so the birthday person or someone else will suggest what they’d like to do or ask. The same with anniversaries and any other occasion that someone wishes to celebrate.

Given how often this seems to happen it feels like people don’t mention things as a sort of test so they can prove they’re unloved and unappreciated and the people they live with have failed. Sad for everyone.

Your DH is extremely immature for that and it's his own fault his DC are NC.

I have said it before, sometimes teenagers need to slapped in the face with a wet fish.

He might not like the idea but basic respect for his parents includes acknowledgement of birthdays, Christmas etc.

The Star Trekkin’ song has the line “Ye canna change the laws of physics”.

Newton’s Third Law is “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”.

and no DS ever lives in a vacuum.

At 16 years old you didn’t have the responsibility to buy your parents a birthday card?! I’m a bit staggered by that, I was living on my own, working full time and paying bills at 16 (which I know is also unusual)!

@Naunet well I wasn't working. I was still at school. My parents got each other gifts/cards and we signed them.

I started working at 18 (partime) I'm pretty sure I bought gifts from then.

We gave our dds money to get gifts until they finished uni 😀

He's 16 - is he in the middle of his GCSE's?

You shouted at him and told him he was horrible.

I consider your behaviour far worse than his. You're an adult, his parent - improve your behaviour before you start criticising his.

He’s a teenage boy. You need to get over yourself, your birthday isn’t that important.

This.
Even if he has no money.. he could have said happy birthday mum, I haven't got any money but....made her a cuppa/breakfast

According to you maybe. I love my birthday and it is important to me.

@Em2024 -
All the shouting and calling him horrible was a mistake.

But. A big part of parenting is teaching kids how to interact with others and live happily in society and how to build good relationships. Acknowledging special days is all part of that. And men are very often incredibly bad at that. So tell him you were disappointed and sad and that's how other people would feel too and how he behaves affects other people. Show him how to be a good, caring man.

Don't ignore his birthday. Tit for tat never works.

That’s not how student loans worked 20 years ago. The student loan then wasn’t dependant on parental contributions like it is now, parental contributions weren’t mandated. Loans were a set amount and you could apply for a means tested grant along side it. I’m guessing dad sent them extra money (I think my Grandad gave me something like £120 a month and with the loan this was plenty to live on, although I liked money so I also had a part time job).

I’m on the fence here. I can see Dad’s point! Maybe there is no back story, I knew people at uni, and indeed now in my 40s, who saw nrp purely in financial terms and cut off their parents over lesser misdemeanours. They were old enough to buy a token gift and recognise that not doing so would upset their parent.

I’ve bought my own birthday presents for friends and family since year 7. I knew when their birthdays were. They have smart phones now to set reminders. It’s not hard.

You cannot force it to be important to others though. Throwing a tantrum just makes people do things out of duty and obligation, not because they actually want to.

Agree there's a big difference between forgetting and not bothering.
I don't entirely accept that being a teen is a get out of jail free card for being thoughtless and selfish. Wishing mum a happy birthday is not that onerous a task. But if he did just completely forget the date, I'd not be cross about that

Did he definitely know it is your birthday? Do you have a calendar visible with birthdays listed? I'm guessing you're a single parent so no-one else on the scene to gently remind him? Before a birthday here we are usually talking for a week or so before about what take away or meal we want for it. Its a gentle reminder for everyone it's coming up as well then.

As a PP said, does he have his own money and chance to go shopping alone? At 16 I brought all my cards when I went shopping with my Mum and my dad would give me money for a present if we were going shopping or would order it for me. I didn't have friends who went to town and I wasn't confident to go alone.

He will be aware you have a birthday and the general time of year but it doesn't mean he remembers the exact date, perhaps he had a present and hoped you'd hint when exactly but he sure as Hell won't give it you now you've shouted at him and acted like a child

Shouting at him and calling him horrible was childish tbh. He's got exams atm. Now he'll have gone into his exams today under a cloud and have lost his focus. Well done.

When he comes home, give him a big hug (if he'll let you!) and apologise for shouting and explain you were hurt by his actions then discuss what special take away you want.

Don't punish a child by cutting them off. I suspect "everything" doesn't mean he doesn't do anything, more you getting at the years of work you've done. He should be doing some chores but he is still a child too and needs a supportive parent.

Definitely do NOT "forget" his birthday or you'll only make it worse

You’re being a child. Other people don’t care about your birthday and you can’t make them.

Teenagers ate thoughtless amd self absorbed. But if my mum had told me I was horrible they'd never get a present again

Its exam time. Yes he should have been more thoughtful but he wasn't. He fucked up. He knows that.

You are the adult he is the child.

Calmly sit and apologise for shouting. Just explain you were hurt but you understand he has a lot going on and its important to remind people how much you love each other. A birthday present is just one way of showing that but a hug and a cup of tea is another. So start there

You have a discussion with him later - not before an exam if he’s in Y 11.

Forget it, he's 16. Your birthday isnt important to him, just accept that.

My thoughts are if you’re waiting for your dc to express gratitude for the sacrifices you’ve made for them then you’ll be waiting a very long time

At 16 it wasn't my responsibility to get my parents gifts or cards.

Well whose was it? Don't you think that's a bit - pathetic? Immature?

My DC has been "working" (paper round, helping a family friend in his business in the holidays, and also saving pocket money) since 13 and enjoys getting us a small surprise gift and card.

16 is old enough to organise something!

Of course you were hurt. But I'm not sure how shouting at him and calling him horrible was going to help.

A quiet word telling him how hurt you are would have been a lot harder for him to react as negatively to, and you might actually have been able to communicate.