16 year old son ignored my birthday

[Em2024]

AIBU - my 16 year old son completely ignored my birthday - no card, no present not even a happy birthday Mum! I shouted at him and told him he was horrible because I do absolutely everything for him and he said I shouldn’t speak to a child like that! I feel so upset that I have raised a child who can be so horrible. What do I do?

Yes he forgot or chose not to celebrate it, you then had a tantrum and now are playing the martyr? sure yes you are now wondering why? is this normal behavour for you?

Does he have access to his own money to buy a card / present? I mean yes even if not he could have said something and made a card but I do think teens are ridiculously self absorbed at that age.

thank you! Some of the replies are acting as if OP expected a designer handbag, spa trip and day of worship. Saying happy birthday and making a cup of tea/buying a card is something an acquaintance or colleague might reasonably do, it's not excessive to expect of your closest family member who OP supports beyond the basic obligations of parenthood.

16 year olds can work full time, legally have their own child and join the army, yes they are young but infantilising them and making "It's their age" excuses doesn't help anyone.

It was very rude of him to not say happy birthday or get you a card or box of chocolates but shouting and calling him horrible was not the way to go about it. Shouting will generally result in the other person being defensive rather than thinking about what they did. It would have been better to sit him down and gently tell him how it upset you that he didn’t acknowledge your birthday and ask how he’d feel if roles were reversed.

It was my birthday last week. Neither of my teens acknowledged it and neither of them got shouted it. This isn't about being a race to the bottom etc. But honestly, there are things to let go. This is one of them.

It sounds like you are both teenagers. Why on earth would you shout insults at your son. Use your words!.

If he's got gcse exams today then give him some slack.

As for those suggesting she forgets his, is petty... he's a child.

not mentioning someone's birthday is not the same as the way the OP acted that is the difference, and no we do not know what is going on in the 16yo life or how the OP is towards the 16yo normally we only know the bits they are choosing to tell us

Stop doing anything for him until he apologises. I get sick of posters defending this and saying “my adult kids don’t bother” , yes, because you have allowed this selfish behaviour in childhood and now they are selfish adults. It’s a life lesson teaching your children that a card and a happy birthday can mean a lot to someone , it’s not the money spent it’s the gesture and thoughtful action.

My sd forgot her Dads and it was so hurtful. We had a very strong conversation with her and she remembered the year after. She was also 16

First of all, Happy birthday OP, I hope you do something nice for yourself, you are the only one who can fully appreciate what you do and today is a day to thank yourself for that. As to him? Teenage brains are prone to selfishness. People show love in different ways. Family dynamics are built over years. None of those things are going to change today.

Why are you shouting at him for that?
I make sure my teens remember my birthday because I joke and hint it for a few days. Things like "oh you should be saving your money for Tuesday. You know, it's my birthday" or "You know what's going to be really nice on birthday? A big hug, a cup of tea and for you to clean up your room!"
They know I only want it acknowledged really.
Really, a loving and gentle approach is better than submitting them to a test that they might forget they're taking and then to be shouted at when they failed.

A better approach might have been a lighthearted "hey, you seemed to have forgotten what a special day it is today! How are you going to make this up to your amazing mum who does everything for you?"

It's better for him to associate your birthday with love and affection, not stress, obligations and drama.

Oh well stop feeding them or doing stuff

Yeah and rainbows and unicorns will appear and the teenager will suddenly stand in front of the fridge and go 'hmm where is the food, oh you not feeding me so I will mend my ways and we can all hug and then the American tv movie music will start'

real life does not work that way, do people honestly really think this? or is it one of those throw away lines that have no thought behind them?

Absolutely ridiculous that what I presume to be adults on this post are suggesting a tit-for-tat approach.

Why not role model some healthy adult behaviour now? Apologise for shouting and calling him horrible - that was absolutely out of order. Explain that you were just upset that he didn’t wish you a happy birthday (don’t make it about presents or cards, it’s about the sentiment and consideration); but acknowledge that he must have a lot on his mind with exams (if that’s the case).

He emailed them? Wow. I suspect there’s more at play with their NC than them being petulant one Christmas.

If it's GCSE season it's quite possible it totally slipped his mind. No point getting stressed about it.

At 16 it wasn't my responsibility to get my parents gifts or cards. What happened when he was younger, ? Is this the first time he's been expected to do it? Did someone ask/tell him to?

My DS went through a few years of not bothering with my birthday, Mother’s Day or Christmas presents for both DH and I. It did bother me at first and it upset DH, but life’s too short to argue. DS is now 28 and does now buy cards and presents, I think he now appreciates all that we’ve done for him.

I'm with your SC on this one if you think emailed financial blackmail is acceptable.
(I also think there's a ton of back story)

Seriously? You had your H threaten to cut off uni funding for ignoring Christmas. I am not surprised that your stepson isn't speaking to you. I think you were the ones who got the consequences there. Yet you are encouraging OP to do the same to her own child. Jesus wept.

It's that little, it costs nothing to be nice that tops this one off. You weren't nice, it cost you an entire adult relationship with your stepson, but you are oblivious.

I would think he forgot, then once you started attacking him he didn't feel inclined to wish you anything good.

What you could have done was remind him in advance and on the day. Something like "it's my birthday on Monday, shall we go out for a meal to celebrate?"; that gives him opportunities to get the card and gift sorted out. Separately, teach him how to put calendar reminders on his phone that recur, so he will be reminded in future years.

My birthday was a couple ofcweeks ago in the middle of DS's exams. His GCSES are far more important than my birthday this year. I did remind them it was my birthday and I got a box of chocolates from the corner shop, but no way would I have been so selfish as to stress him out the morning of an exam by having a tantrum about my birthday, even if he had completely forgotten!

I wouldn't speak with you again either after that. Financial contributions are mandated because otherwise the kids can't get a loan. Your DH is a disgrace and deserves to have lost his kids.

My DSC are older teens/young adults, this week I sent them a gentle nudge to remind them about fathers day this week, I think if I hadn't they probably have forgot. Not out of any desire to intentionally ignore their father but because they have busy lives and young people are by nature quite ego centric. At 16 they would have needed a bit of a nudge. I think there is a big difference between ignore and forgot btw - I'd be far more worried if my child knew it was my birthday and did nothing than if they forgot. If the former I think there's some work with them to understand why. I think ultimately shouting at a child is never unlikely to have the desired outcome.

Can you do some repair work together. Sit him down and apologise for shouting, explain your feelings to him so he understands why you feel hurt, provide him space to apologise and think through together what it can look like moving forward.