Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

I don't care how hard he works, unless he's critical to someone not dying there is no excuse for him not to go.

YANBU

Absolutely not your responsibility to take the step children and what a lovely message to your children- that he values the odd extra job over spending time with them, maybe when he’s old they will value other stuff over visiting their old dad…

Some do indeed find the truth inconvenient, yes.

It’s entirely necessary to point it out, regardless of whether you find it ‘cruel’ or not, considering the amount of people that seem to be labouring under the delusion that ‘stepparent’ is a job description.

You are not unreasonable to go without him and consider not returning.

However, it is not dsc's fault and I think it is quite horrible to exclude them just because their dad is being a dickhead.

Honestly posters need to stop going on about parental responsibility in emergencies.

Doctors make medical decisions. How do you all think school trips work?

Also there's this thing called mobile phones now. Very handy for calling parents,

OP your husband is being outrageous.

Bet your holiday is a self catering situation which is work for the adults? He doesn't want to go does he? Too much actual parenting

I wouldn’t bother arguing with him anymore or saying anything about going on holiday. Just plan to go with your dc and go 1 day early even if it is just to the airport hotel

Just be out of the house so he can’t spring the DSC on you at the last minute

Interested to know how his marriage to the mother of the dsc ended. Was it because of his inability to connect to his family

Great that he is working for the family. But I would love to know why when he cannot stand being anywhere near you all (including all of his biological children) and prefers to be working

I'd just take my own children. There's no way I'd take sc too, I'd be run ragged. If he wants them to go, then he needs to go too.

So your value to him is parenting children? And his children are of less value than work?

He should want to spend time with his DC. One day he will wake up and moan he has no relationship with them. But that's on him.

Take your own DC and it will give you time to re-evaluate what you are all getting from this.

What a miserable man

So you don't think a step parent could cover things up due to reprisals from their partner? Could we expect OPs partner to even answer the phone because his work is so important?

School trips are with a trained teacher who'd I expect to stay impartial and follow procedures to ensure all parties are contacted.

Not just abroad.

My cousin broke his arm while he was staying with us because it was summer and his mother was working.

The hospital spoke to his mum on the phone but couldn't accept consent over the phone, so cousin had his arm set without anesthetic. Mum would have taken over an hour to get to the hospital.

I don't know if things have changed now with new tech, this was in the 1970s or early 80s.

He has a responsibility to his children and family as well as work. He is using one to avoid the other which is inexcusable. His DC is his responsibility-he needs to step up and start acting like a father to all his dc.

Go on holiday with your dc and he can make a decision about his life choices.

Your DH is 100% to blame for the situation. It isn't fair to give you the responsibility on your own when it is easily avoidable. I think you need to ditch this totally selfish man. It's not just about who takes who on holiday.

So in his eyes you’re the default parent to not only your DC but his DC with another person too? Yeah I’d not be entertaining that, he can’t just opt out of family life on the assumption you’ll pick up his slack!

Of course things have changed since the 80s! This wouldn't happen now!

It’s amazing how the responsibility of the actual parent is waved away with a ‘well he’s shit, but what can you do?’, and yet ‘think of the kids’ is trotted out to the stepmother. Because of course a woman must bow to any emotional blackmail in regards children. Basically, yes he’s shit, but do what he expects you to do anyway like a good little wife, because god forbid you be considered ‘mean’ (apparently the worse thing ever for a woman!).

Your H is being very unreasonable, but I'm sure he has already tried turning it around and making you out to be the bad guy for not taking DSC.

I wouldn't take DSC either; not sure how many DC there are altogether and how old, but nobody in their right mind would want to go on holiday alone with a load of DC that they hadn't planned to. You'd need another holiday to get over it when you got back!

Perhaps you can salvage things by changing the names on the booking and taking another adult and their DC in place of your H and DSC? If this was me, I'd take my sister and her DC and enjoy a lovely time!

@DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum

Off all the things that didn't happen, this did happen the most

You are not being unreasonable to be upset with your husband but I do feel sorry for the child. How old are the children? Will they keep each other company?

@Chocolateorange22

If both parents are so inept they don't know to keep their phones close when kids are away then this family has bigger problems

My point is, posters always bang on about parental consent as if phones and common sense don't exist.

I have step children whom I have been around since they were quite little and whom I adore / have a very good relationship with. I would hate to be the one to let them down but also I know they don’t want to go on holiday with their step mum.

If this situation cropped up in my family, my step children would just feel nothing but disappointed. They would only want to go if there dad was going. He’s being so selfish.

This. At least you’ve got a better chance if actually enjoying it, rather than same shit, different place.

First holiday in years. That’s a hill worth dying on .

This^
you are going on holiday with your DC is normal. Why should you take his DC on a holiday? Yes, you might as people sometimes take other people’s children e.g nephews, friends etc but there is always a reason for this. The reason for his DC going on this holiday was that their Dad was going on a holiday with them. So if dad is not going there is no reason for their DC to go.

This would be game over for me OP. Holidays are such important family time. Unless you're missing a massive dripfeed eg somebody will die or he'll make you all £5 million if he stays then there's no excuse. I'm 38 btw and I still remember that my parents took us on barely any holidays and that the ones they did take us on usually resulted in my dad being a totally miserable dick or worse. (They could afford to take us away and went away themselves most years) Don't subject your kids to this. Focus on what your own kids and be honest with DH that unless he has a rock solid excuse for ducking out of it he comes and acts like he's enjoying it or you're finished. I don't like ultimatums but I don't like dads who don't give a shit about their own kid's childhood more

He is being unreasonable. But whether I took them along now he has dropped out or is likely to drop out would depend on a few factors such as how long have you been together, how often do your step children stay with you, what is your relationship like with them generally, how well do all the children usually get along together ordinarily, how old or young are all the DC, what sort of holiday is it and would it be practical to go on holiday together with all the DC and without him etc.