Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

Yes I am but I also work hard, and the responsibility to entertain the family is always left to me. Also we all know it's easier to work than look after kids, I think holidays just feel like hard work to him.

If the kids got on & wouldn't be trouble I might consider it.

But he seems to have expected it.

But the point is for him to be with his kids isn't it?

Does he often let hi kids down?

This

Out of interest, assuming there is a mother in the picture, would they be happy with their kids going on holiday with the SM and Dad not in attendance?? What happens if one of the DSC get hurt whilst on holiday? Let alone possible decision making at a hospital (God forbid), more just the fall out from the DSC getting hurt on the SMs watch? Sounds stressful!

of course he is being more than unreasonable.
He sounds like a shit partner… I’d be thinking about getting rid of him tbh.
Bear in mind if you do, he’s likely to lie to the CMS - there’s a whole other thread atm about how crap that is and how self employed non resident parents basically pay zero. Best of luck to you. I hope you enjoy the holiday with your kids!! Stick to your guns. Xx

YANBU. Not one bit.
As this is a longer term issue, highly likely he thinks your function is to raise his children and the cost was a couple of extra with you.
There is no way I would be bringing his children away on holiday, even though I would feel sorry for them.
He thinks you are some mug.
Your responsibility is to your own children.
He sounds absolutely awful.

With kids of wildly different ages and 1 adult holidays are much harder work than they would be if you can split up to do age appropriate stuff. Hard enough doing a day at the zoo with my 2 when they were 6 and 3.. . Couldn't imagine adding an older child to the mix...

The reason for his DC going on this holiday was that their Dad was going on a holiday with them

Exactly! They were having a holiday with their dad. That was the point of the exercise. Not to have a trip with their dad’s wife. What does their mum think about it all?

Plus - let’s face it - it’s bloody hard work being the only adult with a couple of kids when the kids are small. Being the only adult with a couple of kids and a couple of older kids for whom you don’t actually have responsibility? No way. Absolutely horrendous and certainly not a holiday for the OP….

How old is stepson?

As for work- well it just depends. Some work with responsibilities sometimes require plans to change. And as self-employed, if things have been tough due to Covid, Brexit, import/export difficulties, etc, etc - and something currently means that the business will either finally go forwards and thrive- then he has to make the necessary sacrifice- and you should be there right behind him to help him.

Honestly, we just don't know about the business and the emergency. Could be he is a great dad under huge pressure, to keep his family afloat.

Whatever it is, it is NOT your stepson's fault, and not taking him, depending on age, would be very mean.

@on103 I will tell you what is unreasonable!!! the poster posting at 7.42pm last night and after 6 pages of comments, making absolutely no effort to respond or answer questions!!! another one comment poster!

I agree with others, bet this was his plan all along and he's pissed off that you are balking at your role as skivvy to his children, by refusing to take them along without him.
What a loser.

We always had a Summer holiday with our shared mum, my two brothers and my step brother who was a bit older. And had a fabulous time- no way would my mother, and us kids, leave my step-brother behind.

You know what’s great about being ‘mean’? People who think they have the right to take the piss out of you quickly realise you’re not the doormat they’ve taken you for, and fuck off. ‘Mean’ is a convenient stick to beat women with when the expectation is that we’ll inevitably bow to emotional blackmail. Fuck that.

The only person letting the children down is their father. The same person that’s letting OP down.

yANBU. He’s acting like a child so should learn consequences like a toddler.
go with your dc and he can handle dsc himself

Well he’s a terrible father and I’d have no problem telling him that. I’d also point out it’s going to be much harder for him to find a third wife to play nanny and cover for his shit parenting to 2 sets of step kids.

Depends on the kids etc but I'd get 'revenge' by taking all the kids and having a great time. It be a much more positive and happy way to deal with the situation.

Keep standing your ground. In all honesty what benefit does he bring to your lives?

Wow, sounds like a lot of children to look after for one adult if you took DSC (although I do feel sorry for them not being able to go).

On a separate note, if it were me, I'd try snd take someone else with me - friend or family member.

I think you have an issue with your DH and you're using the holiday and the SC as an opportunity to criticize him. Running a business can be all-consuming. Either support him or take yourself out of the relationship and stand on your own two feet.

I always think men like this don’t realise the point of contact time with their children - the point is for them to spend time with their kids, not to just send them off on holiday with their step mum.

Who is that benefiting?

This is exactly what would play out in our house and in the past I’d have done it for fear of upsetting DSC. However, 11 years on, I’m no better thought of. Your DH is being unreasonable OP, stand your ground.

crumbs it’s been less than 14 hours, a fair few of which would have been spent sleeping 😂

Yes, get revenge by doing…checks notes exactly what he wants and expects her to do.

4D chess move, that.

We have so little information here about the business and his reason- make or break and valid, or not. Or the age of the stepson.

Honestly, someone saying 'a lot of children' = 2.

And yes, why not take your mother, or a sister or good friend with you, and have fun. But whatever you decide, to punish stepson for his father! That would be very nasty. Not the child's fault. How old is she/he btw?

And if the business falters because DH missed a really important deadline or opportunity- how will you judge him then?

PS I realise their Mum shouldn’t have to do everything and he should step up for that reason too but the main reason is so the kids get a relationship with their dad. That’s not advanced by him not being there.

And none of it is the OP’s problem.

My kids have a step mum and younger siblings but I’d think it was bonkers for her to end up taking them all away unless she actively wanted to (in which case great). My ex is a twat but not that much of one!