Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

Ha ha! That worked out well for the stupid twat didn't it? Serves him right.

I do hope Ex and the SDC are continuing to give him a really hard time too.

I suppose the OP would be ok with a blended family with an involved partner.
She just isn't ready to be his outsourced family, when she would take care of and responsibility for all children and he for none of them.

These men are EVERYWHERE.
I would and do warn young women not to go near men with children.
Not to waste their time.

Case in point. My friends 28 year old lovely primary teacher daughter has been seeing for 18 months a guy with two children. He has a good job, house and apparently a good relationship with the Ex.
My friend is seriously unimpressed and does NOT want this baggage for her precious daughter.
She has kept her powder dry though.

The daughter has her own lovely little house in a great location in a city bought with help from her parents.
Recently she told her mum that they were talking about her moving in with him for the summer and to see how things went.
She would maybe rent out her home via Airbnb short let's, make some money etc.,

All going well till he mentioned that she might help them out with childcare over the summer if they were stuck.
"They" as in him and his ex-wife.

In fairness to her she was 😳 and told him she had zero interest in being anyone's back up childcare for the summer after a hard year and not to count on her.
He said it was only back up and he was "very disappointed" she felt like that. She told him he shouldn't be disappointed......they were NOT her children.

She told her mother this and was very shocked, it hadn't occurred to her that he would see her as his childcare option...so naive!

Her sweet kind father whom NEVER interferes and wouldn't say Boo to anyone, told her that he was so disappointed that she has chosen someone who thinks her hard earned holidays are free childcare for him.

They are still seeing each other but it has given her pause and she has definitely lost her love goggles, things have definitely cooled.
She is not moving in, not renting her place out, she IS now going on a two week holidays with her girlfriends and my friend is hopeful things will burn out.

I have strongly recommended she read through some of the horror stories on MN of just how easily young women can be used by men for skivvy aupair and waste years doing so.

@@Blinds1

What a colossal cheek expecting free back up child care! Glad your friend's daughter has seen the light with this charmer.

Her parents played that well. Good for them and, even more, their daughter. 🌹

I’m sure OP would not like it if her own child was treated like this when they were obviously looking forward to the holiday,

I'm sure OP would much prefer the child's father spent time with him rather than pawning him off on his next gf/partner. I'd imagine if the same situation ever arose she'd prefer for the (next) stepmother to not be a mug and repeatedly cover up for a half arsed father.

What a prick OP.

Did he try blame you?

Good for you, OP.
Can you tell us the type of work H does that requires his constant dedication?
I'm a retired guy that had a demanding job, also a family with our dc and sc. We took vacations. So I'm wondering what is the husband's important work.

My DH was the same @Bill98502, senior demanding role, but it never effected our family holidays. In fact they were more of a priority if anything.

I'm sure the older DC are happier spending quality time with their Dad than palmed off on stepmum with a holiday that would centre around a young child's needs as they do when when there is only one parent there!

Agree with you. The number of women here who cry, "Get rid of him! Kick him out! Leave him! Not your problem! I have absolutely no doubt that many of them are divorced and single.
I don't go on holiday with my OH and our kids. Last time we went I ended up sitting in my van crying after I had begged them to stop fighting, screaming and shouting and I'm a bloke! I gave them one last chance and warned them that it would be my last holiday with them if they carried on. They carried on. Not been away with them for three years now. They are 16, 19 and 20. My health is very poor and I can't deal with the stress. I have a nice relaxing week with the dog at home instead.....

My friend was surprised and relieved at him unexpectedly showing his hand!

Her daughter was shocked and increasingly outraged at his use of "disappointed in her".....what a CF.
Her father's quiet measured words hit home too.

No one wants their child used and run ragged being a skivvy aupair for some CF who has recruited her for that purpose.

The overwhelming majority of women who get caught up in these situations if they don't walk away, regret hugely ever becoming involved.

The number it works out for is tiny.
I make no apology for wanting more for my precious daughter.

I don't know how anyone can in all honesty think that the dad's access time should be spent in a different country to his children?

Scenario:
(1) We work to earn our living.
(2) We have a family

1+2 = We have work/family conflicts.

I am somewhat surprised he didn’t embrace the opportunity to go on holiday and relax. You’d think he’d be tired and in need of one from carrying around all that fucking audacity.

DH used to be like this, though fortunately no SC in the mix. He always used to stress about going away on holiday anyway, and I think basically he wanted an excuse to have a week or two on his own with no responsibilities. It was uncanny how he always came up with some unbreakable work obligation the week a holiday was booked - even though I work in the same field and know perfectly well that you do have control over these things.

Eventually we booked a holiday where I was determined he was not going to have any excuse not to go, so I triple checked with him that his diary was empty that week, nagged him to make sure the holiday was in his work diary, and regularly reminded him. I bust a gut with organising everything so that the journey would go smoothly and non-stressfully, and when he started making noises about maybe leaving a day later I firmly squashed it. Success, I thought, when we finally arrived all together. He insisted on checking in with his office every day and, surprise surprise, after a few days there was some dreadful crisis and he had to go back. I made no secret of how upset I was and, I heard subsequently, his colleagues asked him what the hell he was doing when he turned up back in the office. It finally got through to him so, unprecedentedly, he actually came back when the crisis was sorted. The penny suddenly dropped about what he was doing to me and the kids, and he worked out how to sort his diary out and thereafter managed to have actual holidays with us every year. I won't claim it was stress free, but holidays did improve in a big way.

Those poor kids with that excuse for a father

It would have been a whole lot easier if he'd gone on the holiday!

Big assumption that it's 'quality time' I think...

I think that's harsh

Would you feel the same if the mother had died so the stepmother was the only mother figure around?

And you are making a commitment. Your MiL and SiL don't come and stay every other week

@on103

My suggestion is to take a moment and really concentrate on what it's like right now, when it's just you, DC, & Mum. Feel the atmosphere. Then ask yourself if it's better without him around.

DH’s ex would have been quite happy with this, she guarded her child-free time with extreme ferocity and as long as DH collected DSS as scheduled, she wouldn’t give a sh*t if the two of them were spending time together or not.

What’s wrong with that? In dad’s time it’s his responsibility to keep dc safe, fed and entertained.

The important thing is your DH gives two shits about spending time with his dc, don’t worry your head about how ex is spending her child-free time.

Completely agree. It is not the responsibility of an Ex wife to monitor quality time her children spend with their father.
Screw that.
Presumably one of the reasons she divorced was to no longer feel this type of responsibility.
That is solely the remit of the children's father.
Do women EVER get not to be responsible for men's shit?

@Nanny0gg well I sincerely hope he has stepped up. At least he needs to feed them and get them to bed etc. none of which he would have done had they been abroad.

Who knows he's actually accepted he needs to put his sons first.

I am still fuming on the op behalf!

So delighted that you stuck to your guns and didn't let DH guilt-trip you @on103 - did the SC get told that this was totally their dad's decision or are they going to be blaming you?

Have a brilliant holiday.

I don’t want to be rude because you’re still married to this man, but I find this just staggeringly immature and selfish. Did your DH think he was indispensable at work? More indispensable than he was to his wife (who only has one husband) and children (who only have one father)? Was his identity more wrapped up in who he is at work versus who he is at home where he really is indispensable? How does one get to be old enough to marry and procreate, but not old enough to figure this stuff out?

I'm just shocked that an adult can behave this way.