Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

If the dad doesn’t want them to miss out then he can step the fuck up instead of putting pressure on his wife to carry all the load.

I think his willingness to let his dc down would be a deal-breaker for me.

I don't think I would take the sdc in this situation. He doesn't get to choose for you to do that.

It's horrible, but definitely him letting them down, not the op.

I don't blame you for not wanting responsibility for all the children but I wouldnt be able to look at him the same if he lets them down. If he can do that then he will do it to you all over and over

I applaud you for taking your own dc away and not letting him squirm out of this. Hope his ex makes him keep the his dc for that whole week and he has to parent them. out of interest, who does the parenting of your dc, joint and step?

I wouldn't be taking the dcs and I'd dump the 'd'h. He's a disgrace

Every time there's a thread on here about the possibility of anyone taking their stepchildren away without the other parent being present, this thought crosses my mind. My mum definitely would never have let me go away with just Dad's second wife without him being present (it was very much not amicable) and would have made the decision herself to pull me from a trip like that if something happened and Dad was no longer going. At the time, I didn't think that was unusual, but seeing the issue of these trips coming up here is making me rethink that.

YANBU. Tbh this would be a dealbreaker, I’d say you either come on holiday as promised with your children or leave.

My dad was a workaholic, who put work above all else, surprise, surprise I have an awful relationship with him as an adult, can’t even really have a proper conversation with him as a bond was never really formed. That shit damages people.

Well its all very well saying the sins of the father shouldn't be visited on the child but what about the sins of the father being palmed off on the stepmother who was expecting and prepared to go on a family holiday - not going on her own and taking her stepchild as well. If her husband can't after years of self employment manage his work so that that he can take a week off then there is something wrong. I admit I might be wondering what might be planning to do over that week.

Yes, you’re the only person in all creation who likes their step-kids 🙄

And no, you wouldn’t have a right to fume if your partner fucked off without his/her DSC if you refused to go and parent your own dc.

I think this is more subtle than the usual default MN man=bad conclusion. Seems to me there are some communication issues. And a lot of context is missing; DH is self employed but as what and how established is his business and client base? Is he a 1 man band or have employees and what is the nature of the thing that just cropped up? Is it the sot of business that can just be left for a week or however long?
If the family relies on the income from DH's business and he can't just step away from some emergency, he is not being unreasonable to say he cannot go. Unreasonable not to discuss the plan "B" like an adult though - but maybe that applies to both of you?

He's a shitbag. Stand your ground.

A whole week at home without any kids around, guilt free as they're technically on holiday....absolute bliss for most parents, I would doubt he ever even intended to go on your holiday. The only loser here is you.

My take on this is that he had planned to not go all along and dump dsc on you. He had no intention of going on holiday whatsoever. He’s pissed off as you’ve called his bluff and now he’s stuck. What a tosser!

It's no worse than the prevailing, "Not your bio kids, not your right!" when it comes to discipline, chores, money spent on them, etc. Too often, people think stepmothers should do all the work for their own children and step-children but deserve no say in the SCs life.

Can't have it both ways.

By the sounds of it he doesn't even want to go on the holiday and "work" is the perfect excuse not to go. He will of been expecting you to be a good wife and take all the kids and he's pissed you didn't do as you were told

Absolutely this.

He thinks wifey can trot off with all the kids while he has a nice week to himself.
The only thing that has 'cropped up' is his massive sense of entitlement to have his kids entertained and cared for by someone else so he can do what he wants.

Selfish to the core. Fuck that.

I’d be fuming too. It’s extremely unlikely the business will fold if he goes away with you and saving the business really would be the only reasonable excuse.

Yanbu. Most people WANT holidays. The fact that he is hoping to NOT spend time with his family on holiday would suggest there are much bigger issues at play. As you say, he clearly prefers working than spending time with the people he says he loves.

It's really tough, and I'm sure it's developed over the time he's been self employed but it sounds like you're at the point where change has to happen. Either he makes a genuine commitment to the family and works to reduce the tie he has to work, or you decide that you want more from life with someone who's wanting to do it all with you.

This

YANBU

I'm self employed. I recently went on a transatlantic cruise. I worked a few hours most days because I'd just landed a new contract. If I can work on a cruise ship, he can work on holiday too. So, what's the real reason why he doesnt want to go? Does he look after his children at all or does that fall to you? If he doesnt, then that's the reason.

Only you can decide on the permanency of a split, but Id be inclined to help him through counselling first.

Good luck, I hope he comes round x

@InterIgnis

"Not her responsibility. They had/have two parents, and she is neither."

Your post is the reason why some people lack sympathy for step parents. Absolutely unnecessarily cruel

This is the kind of thing you should be considering a deal breaker.

She is not the dc’s parent- please read through the thousands of threads where it is lamented that a step-parent has no responsibility, rights or anything whatsoever as they are not the Bio parent.
stop changing the narrative to bash the step-parent.

Not a chance in hell would I take my DSC on holiday without their father. They are lovely kids and I love them but they aren't mine. I don't want to deal with them being unhappy or upset or naughty or tantrumming or any of the things that happen with kids on holiday. That's not my department. I do fun time and if there's any discipline or dealing with challenging behaviour to be done then it's their father who does it. Because he's their parent. That might be different if they lived with me full time but they don't. It's hard enough taking your own kids on holiday by yourself (done that as a lone parent) never mind adding in a couple of extra. Just no.

Baffling behaviour to sire not one but two families and then to not be arsed about being a parent?

I can’t believe he tried to get you to take his kids on “holiday” so that he can have a holiday. What a cf.