Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

In my opinion, the sins of the parent should not be visited on the child. In any scenario, step-parent or otherwise.

Completely agree but as another poster said, OP may not have PR which would be problematic if an emergency was to arise whilst on holiday. Even worse if the holiday is abroad. If the holiday is abroad, OP may even need the written consent from DH/ExW to take them out of the country?

Christ no way would I haul 4 kids off on holidays on my own, no matter whose they were!

yanbu. Assuming he’s both dcs parent I’d tell hiM I’ve had my eyes and will be taking regular trips from now on solo without any kids as the only way to make him do any fucking parenting at all. While I think hard about the marriage. And if he doesn’t go I would think very hard about the marriage.

You are not being unreasonable. I would be furious he’s not going if it was already arranged that he was.

Yanbu
what on earth is so important that has just ‘cropped up’ that can’t wait a week or 2?

im raging for you op

He sounds horrible and I think you should leave him.

But, I wouldn’t leave the step child/children out. (How many kids are they?). Just because their dad is a selfish twat it isn’t their fault they should miss out on a planned holiday with the sibling/siblings. That’s really harsh and nasty.

It's totally different to be the only adult or to go as a couple. Before anyone jumps in, I do both, of course one parent can deal with the children but it's simply not the same.

He's being a prat. You are not BU at all.

I am assuming he can't work away from home/ his current work place? That would have been a bit of a compromise at least. Come on holiday and work a couple of hours every day.

No it fucking isn't. Stop trying to guilt a woman into taking 4 children, 2 of whom are not hers!! on holiday. Just stop. Their father has let them down. Not the OP. It would be monumentally daft of her to take 2 children she doesn't have PR for, on holiday.

Oh and well done @on103 so nice to read an OP by a woman who has firmly established some boundaries. Take your two, spend the time in peace and contemplate your future with this gem of a man.

I didn’t say the OP had let them down.

I think the dad is a prized bellend but should his innocent children miss out on an opportunity for a planned holiday with their siblings? I don’t think they should.

The whole “not my bio kids not my responsibility” narrative on Mumsnet is so fucking sad.

That’s a question for their father, who apparently thinks they should 🤷🏻‍♀️

’not your kids, but absolutely your responsibility’ strikes me as being the miserable stance, but each to their own.

No @PeonyAndBlushSuede your bar for fathers is so low you just expect a woman to step up in his place. That's what's sad. If the OP just rolls over and takes HIS children away for a week then what will he learn?
The children are not LEGALLY her responsibility. I am getting tired of posters like you trying to guilt women into picking up the mantle for the kids actual parent. Let's demand more from dad's instead of just meekly doing as we are told yes?

Me too!! I often take DSC out or on holiday even if DH can't come. We are a family, I can't pick and choose when we are a family.

OPs DH sounds like a prize twat, but I wouldn't punish my step child for that.

Often? Course you do 🙄

Yes funnily enough we go out at least once a day somewhere. Is it that hard to believe?

Also do 3-4 holidays a year if you're interested.

No I’d expect the selfish father to step up and actually be a family man.

But, going by OPs posts it looks like that isn’t going to happen.

What I’m saying is - that if the OP is still going to go on the holiday then I think all the children should be included.

I’d be absolutely furious with my DH if he pulled that shit on me. But I’d feel awful going on holiday with just my bio kids knowing my step kids were missing out on a holiday with their siblings!! Im
not saying it’s the OP fault. Not at all. It clearly lies with her ‘D’ H, but I wouldn’t like the feeling of knowing other kids were missing out.

Don’t marry a man with kids if you have no interest in being a family and advocating for said kids.

No. Yanbu.

You would effectively be enabling him to continue checking out of parental duties.

You're right to put your foot down.

I would not be happy with him but I'd take DC without him.

What’s the set up at home ie how old are all the children, how long do the SC spend with you and their step-siblings? Where are you going? How many children are there? What type of holiday is it?

Is your DH a good DH? If not, and he is like the OP's fella then we'll done him for landing an absolute mug. If however, he is a supportive DH who makes time for his family, then you and the OP's situation isn't comparable is it?
Again, stop guilting women into taking on the work and responsibility of a father who doesn't really give a damn. If you choose to live that way with an unsupportive DH then I feel for you but do not encourage other women to live that way too.

This one does not sound like a keeper. I would be making plans to leave. What's the point of a partner if they have no time for you.

Thanks for your concern but my DH is mostly bloody awesome.

I'm not guilting anyone into anything. I've given my opinion which is that we are a family and that you can't pick and choose when you are a family and when you aren't.

Don’t marry a man with kids if you have no interest in being a family and advocating for said kids.

Being a family does not mean that a woman has to take on a shit fathers responsibilities. It breaks my heart that I have to actually say that to other women. WTF.

The children aren’t step-siblings. They are siblings! (Some say half-siblings but I don’t like that) They share a father.

YABU to exclude your DSC.

The holiday is another matter. Whether or not you are being unreasonable about his job depends to what extent you are benefiting financially from his hard work and if you work yourself. Is there no form of compromise available? Can the holiday be rescheduled or can he attend for some of it or take his laptop and work from the holiday resort/home?

But yeah, LTB and all that. I think some posters just want other people's marriages to fail so they can feel better about being divorced or unlucky in love themselves.