Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

I was this wife, I done the family holidays with our 4 little kids alone for years, husband was a workaholic but he was also up to no good each and every single time, each time I left he saw it as some kind of fudging free pass to be single bachelor and spend his weekend drunk, tbh there's still stuff I'm yet to find out to this day. So when our marriage finally nearly ended a year ago, he had no option now but to attend therapy, men who put work before their children and wives with the illusion of being a hard grafter are often running from themselves. He was told point blank he is no longer entitled to these long weekends on his own and lost the privilege, of course he was given the choice to leave and didn't want to, if I was going alone then I would rather be single anyways lol. We are now happily on a train travelling back from family holiday, and he, myself and kids have never been happier
Your not being unreasonable

Didn’t know it was old fashioned to care about children and not hurt them due to disagreements between adults.

OP and her DH are a couple, these are their kids, if one person is busy and unavailable the other should help out. Otherwise why be married if you can’t even count on your partner to help. 😂

The DSC aren’t her kids, which you know but just keep ignoring.

When one partner MAKES THEMSELVES UNAVAILABLE it is a fucking liberty to dump all family responsibilities on the other.

But I do agree about 'why be married'. OP clearly cannot count on her husband to take part in family life, I'd be heading for the exit as we speak.

No, they aren’t ’their’ kids. They are his kids. Childcare for them is his problem.

And no, OP should not help out someone that has made himself conveniently unavailable for the first family holiday they’ve had in years. He’s hardly helping her out by dumping her with his responsibilities (aka, HIS children). She’s not even being asked to ‘help’, she’s being asked for cater to him.

No matter how much bio Mum is happy for OP to take her kids away without their father, I would definitely not want to be taking someone else's kids abroad! Not only do you need to make sure you have the documentation needed to convince border staff that you're not abducting the children, but heaven forbid something were to happen to one of them while you're away. Imagine one of the kids falling off some playground equipment and breaking their arm. OP has no parental responsibility for approving surgery, etc, and the kid's actual parents are hours away.

Nope. Not a chance.

Doesn’t matter if she didn’t birth them, they live together 3 days a week! They are her partners kids and they are family. I find it so odd that people keep bleating about how she has no responsibility towards them. Why marry someone with kids and then act like their kids are nothing to do with you! 🙄

No one marries someone with kids because they want to become a stepparent to kids. The kids are just people who exist as part of your partner's family. Like your MIL and SIL. You're not making any commitment to them when you marry your partner.

They don't become your children any more than your MIL becomes your mother.

I find it odd that people keep bleating that she does when it’s a matter of literal fact that she doesn’t.

Who said they weren’t anything to do with her? It isn’t the case that unless you take responsibility for someone that you have nothing to do with them, as I’m sure you are aware.

My thoughts exactly, @WhereYouLeftIt.

@Happilyobtuse - I am sure that this man’s children would rather have their father along on the holiday with them. They would like not to be let down by him again. No-one should be facilitating him to duck out of the family holiday again - and if @on103 does take all the children on holiday alone, then all her husband will learn is that he can dump his kids on the nearest available woman and waltz off without a backward glance. His kids will learn that they don’t matter to him, that he doesn’t want to come on holiday with them.

None of these are good lessons for anyone to learn. I believe that @on103 needs to stick to her guns, to get this dad to face up to his responsibilities and actually BE a father. And I also believe she has every right to make this boundary, and it is deeply misogynistic of anyone to argue that, simply because she is a woman, she has to mop up after everyone else’s mess, and does not have the absolute RIGHT to have boundaries of her own.

Why father 3 children and then act like they're nothing to do with you?

@on103

So who's going on the holiday then?

There may be a problem taking DSC into some countries.

What is DH's business occupation such that he can't be away from it? Taking on an assistant could b good for the business and the marriage.

Utter bollox !!

So how exactly is OP’s partner - the kids’ natural father - helping here ?

Ya know what ? Until I came onto MN I wasn’t aware that women could be misogynistic towards other women. I know better now.

Good grief, some of the responses on here beggars belief. There’s another step-parent thread on here involving a wedding and the bride to be is in a bit of pickle about what to do with dsc. The responses I have seen so far all indicate she should butt out, she is not their mother and therefore has no right or say in what happens. It’s up to the dad etc etc.
come to this thread and step-mum should be a parent with responsibilities to her sc so they can have a holiday as their dad isn’t going!!
pick a side people, not change the narrative to whatever suits bashing the step-parent (and obviously this is not aimed towards all posters)

That is not even close to the scenario in the OP. You’re projecting what you think onto a completely different family set up!

Absolutely not.

If the step mother of my children acted like she had responsibility I’d be infuriated. They have a mother and father. We are responsible. It’s kind when she helps out and she is a very good woman. I have not a bad word to say but you’re so unbelievably far off the mark.

Yes, you’re absolutely right. And when it involves a step mother, ,it gets ten times worse.

Only on MN is it acceptable for a man to cancel a holiday and a woman to somehow be responsible for the consequences

I don’t mean the step mother has parental responsibility who ever said that?! But if I had a partner and he couldn’t come on holiday I would either cancel the holiday or take all the children as long as said children were happy to go and their parents who have parental responsibility were ok with it. Why punish the kids?! I have often taken my nieces on holiday with me and I only see them once a year! These kids live with Op 3 days a week.
The Op, her Dh and all the kids are a family unit. I would not see it any other way. If I had a child from previous marriage and I was busy I would expect my DH to step up, not say oh your kid, your headache. I will only look after mine. Why bother with marriage then?!!

Your assuming OP doesn't step up. She steps up plenty. She has said the majority of their arguments are about him working so much. So I guess she does more with his children than he does. And you seem to think that's perfectly fine.

It's not.

Who says she doesn’t step up? She just does not want to do this holiday this one time?
Do you think she just ignores the 2 children while they stay with her? Given the husband is a workaholic, I doubt he is doing much!! I bet my bottom dollar that OP is doing loads and she’s got fed of it.

It is so easy to say what you’d do in this situation but you have no idea.

I can't believe people are still engaging with @Happilyobtuse , she's like a broken record what with the super-hero step-dad.