Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

You could at least have attempted to make being ‘responsible and caring’ sound like aspirational qualities, as opposed to euphemisms for ‘doormat’.

So what happened? Did he tell his kids they are not going or did he change his mind?

Try reading at least the OP's posts.

You are suggesting that the OP should go abroad alone with 4, 8, and 10 yo (the older two are stepchildren). Quite a big ask.

Of course it would be no holiday for her. And given it was supposed to be the first holidays in years, I'm not sure the idea of taking another holiday soon without children is realistic, both from money and from him evading taking care about his children point of view.

Are u sure he does not have another reason for wanting to stay back at home without the kids?

Has he told them op?

OP already made it clear it’s a work issue and has caused previous problems in their marriage.

Nope. Not unreasonable - just not prepared to be a doormat. OP says this was the first family holiday in years. He doesn’t get to duck out of it and dump his parental responsibility onto OP. And fyi - if I was the ex I’d be mightily pissed off if I found out my children had gone abroad without their father present. If, God forbid, anything happened to them OP would have to take full responsibility - that’s what’s unreasonable.

You make a fair point about the ex - depending on their relationship - but that's as far as it goes.

You and the OP are just thinking about how unreasonable the bloke is. That's as far as the thinking goes. Any decent person would not use kids to make a point.

It's the first family holiday in years. Precisely. And she's denying her child the opportunity to spend it with their siblings - their family members. She's being utterly selfish.

It's a few days out of her life, but the consequences for the rejected kids are great (I know, I know, who thinks of the kids first these days, right?), not to mention her marriage - if my partner treated their stepkids like this they'd be out on their arse faster than they could say sorry. I know she wants out of the marriage, but direct conversation would be a better way of going about it.

Finally one sane person! I am sick of arguing with other posters on here about how unfair OP is being to her step children and indirectly to her own child! Glad that there are at least some kind and thoughtful people in the world who would not use children as a pawn in an adult dis-agreement!

Also Op has clarified that she thinks the bio mum would be ok with the step kids going with her without their father. So that is not the issue. As long as step kids are happy to go without both parents I would hope that she would oblige since she is obviously having doubts having posted in AIBU.

Disappear just before he comes home without the kids ,don't answer your phone.

DP DHC H ?

DP = dear partner.
DH = dear husband.
DC = dear child/children.
DHC = not an acronym I have seen on here - is it a typo, @maisiebennett?

Amazing that you think offering to take two children who aren’t yours abroad alone is the “sane” thing to do here.
Women aren’t born to be martyrs and she’s not their mother- she deserves a holiday without having to look after dependants that don’t belong to her. It’s not like they’re teenagers who can please themselves, they’re small children at 8 and 10 who require round the clock attention.

If you want to be the village doormat crack on but don’t suggest anyone else is abnormal for wanting a holiday without it also being a shift.

From the sounds of her DH, do you really believe if he came along he was going to suddenly become father of the year and do amazing child care the entire time?! OP was anyway going to be watching the kids for some of the time. She has roped her mum in to join her on this trip as per her update. So she has some help, no reason not to take all kids as originally planned if going.

He’d have to if she refused to do it, same as she’s refusing to do it now. Even if she did help, they would have been working as a team for all their kids, which is very different to parenting them solo/with her mother. Their actual fucking parent isn’t interchangeable with any other adult you can try and dump them on.

There’s every reason not to go with the kids ‘as originally planned’ - the original plan no longer stands, and she doesn’t want to.

Do you actually have kids?! I can’t imagine being so cruel to any kid let alone my step kids! Just vile!

He's probably having an affair and wants you away for a week

Do you have any experience of step parenting where there are 2 involved biological parents with 1 dumping them on the step parent?
(No criticism of the mum of the DSC, of course, this has nothing to do with her.)

No, I don’t have any step children. I am a step child though. OP has said the bio mum of the kids would be happy for her to take the kids without dad. It sounds like OP is actually concerned her DH is cheating on her. Otherwise if it was a genuine reason for him having to stay back due to work, as his partner she should be helping him with the kids.

@Happilyobtuse She is helping with the kids - all the time from the sound of it. OP has quite clearly said that she feels he is a workaholic who uses his 'work' to get out of his family responsibilities. Nowhere has she mentioned suspicions of him cheating - although other posters have. And, if she did feel that, it wouldn't make any difference whether she takes her stepchildren or not.

Sounds, to me, like she is carrying the burden of the whole family and taking care all of the children and she's had enough. It's one thing to take on the role of step parent, but quite another to be forced to constantly take on the actual parental role because the biological parent thinks he can just opt out . He is letting his children down (as well as his partner).

A step child with 2 involved biological parents? It’s very different when this occurs.

Who says she doesn’t help him with the kids? She has simply said she doesn’t want sole responsibility for them on their planned family holiday in a new environment.

Unless you could get a refund on the holiday I wouldn’t cancel it.
Losing money on a holiday to work sounds ridiculous . Unless it was a massive pay check how could it even make financial sense?
I wouldn’t however be taking all 3 children on my own abroad, especially when 2 are SS and no doubt looking forward to spending time with their Father!

H needs to make a choice , Holiday with the whole family or stay at home with his own kids - step kids.
He made mistakes in his first marriage, if he doesn’t want your marriage to go the same way he needs to re assess his priorities.
Marriage and family are a lot of work and he needs to grow up and realise this.
Does he always leave looking after his own children to you?

In my case my bio dad died and same for my step siblings bio mum. My step father always treated us fairly and same with my mum and step siblings. There was no differentiation, just one family.

There is no lifetime in which I’d take the step kids on holiday without their dad coming, for these reasons and also, I’m not the unpaid nanny.

It’s like you’ve popped up from the dark ages