Big bust up over holiday, but who's unreasonable about DC?

[on103]

We are due to go on holiday in a couple of weeks. Me, H, our DC and H's older DC.

He is self employed and it's the root cause of 99% of our issues. I am aware how difficult it can be but he absolutely uses it as an excuse to get out of certain aspects of family life. He is a workaholic imo.

Something has "cropped up" and he is now making noises about not being able to make the holiday. I'm so furious. I don't even know why I'm surprised. We have had a big argument about it with him saying I don't appreciate how hard he works (as if I don't) and me feeling like he never makes time for us. It will be the first holiday we've had as a family in years.

He has "kindly" suggested that I go by myself with DC which I've said don't worry I will be. However he was shocked when I said he could break to DSC that there wasn't a holiday anymore.

He seems to think he can duck out but I'll just go off with all the kids and leave him free for a week. I have said absolutely not. I'm going with DC but I am not going to take DSC too and let him duck out of his responsibilities. He can stay if he wants but he'll have to be the one to let them down.

I'm half minded to just never come back as it is!

Who is being unreasonable? (Aside from DH being a twat in general)...

Me for saying I'm not taking all the kids alone

Or DH for expecting me to just fuck off for a week with all the kids so he can work.

He is being unreasonable but I think YABU to punish DSC for it. FwIW I think your reaction is entirely reasonable to be absolutely fuming, it's dick behaviour on his part and I'd be questioning my relationship with him.

Why haven't you packed your backs and left already - permanently? The whole point of being self-employed is that you get to call the shots. The fact you suspect he's making up the 'something come up' means he hasn't told you exactly what's so important. Unless he works for MI5 most normal people would explain in detail if it means missing a pre-booked family holiday and then there would be no doubts about the urgency. I don't know you, but I do know you and your family deserve better.

In all honesty it sounds like he is having an affair and has been for a while. He doesn't respect you enough to be open with you about why he needs to stay at home and he doesn't like you enough to spend time with you instead of work. Sorry I'm being horribly blunt. I hope you show him this thread and he can reassure you, but if he keeps brushing you off - well actions speak louder than words sometimes. Best of luck x

Fucking LOL, yes because everything has to be sacrificed on the alter of ‘for the children’. Only by her mind, not their father.

They no longer have a parent going on the holiday, as such they can’t go. His plans changing meant theirs did too. She never agreed to take his children on holiday without him, and why would she? They’re not her responsibility.

No one ever wishes they’d spent more time at work. Everyone wishes they’d spent more time with loved ones. Point him towards the many and various studies supporting this age-old wisdom.

Self first, self last and self in the middle - if he does go, you can bet he'll make it miserable.
What really needs his 24x7 attention in the business - is it struggling / failing (which he should be confiding in you), or is there something else that in your absence can be taken advantage of ?

And what about it? Someone being your family doesn’t make you responsible for them, and nor does it oblige you to provide childcare when their parent can’t be fucked.

Stepmother is a title that endows neither rights nor responsibilities. It merely means you’ve married a parent, not that you’ve become somehow more responsible for the children than their actual parent.

Their parent is no longer going on holiday, and therefore neither are they 🤷🏻‍♀️

@on103 - so has he told them yet? And if he did, how did it go?

We are not talking about 'someone' - but about a child.

This is not about man versus woman or vice-versa. I'd say exactly the same if it was the other way round.

Ha, honestly. It’s the role of a parent to parent. That’s it. Certainly not ops job or anyone else. I love children - usually have a house full, but it’s not my job to look after them and raise them. The ops dp is useless and negligent.

No, no it doesn’t. You may want it to, but wanting something to be the case isn’t the same as it actually being the case.

If not thinking it’s my, or any other woman’s, job to take on the burden of men’s failings makes for someone ‘selfish and vengeful’ then fuck yeah I am. It’s wild how women are expected to ‘think of the children’ and fall for that basic ass emotional blackmail to their own detriment. If that’s decency then it’s about as appealing as being shot in the face tbh.

Unless he is facing bankruptcy he is choosing not to go. If he was I suspect you would understand. It's not hard. Anything that comes up he should have replied, "Sorry! I'm on holiday with my family that week. No can do."

And you're doing what the OP's done. "DP's being useless and negligent so I'll take it out on the kids - that'll teach him! " These aren't random strangers - they're her child's siblings.

Well you sound responsible! Of course it bloody does! Adult family member : child family member - Hmmm.. Who should be the responsible one? 🤔. These are her child's siblings that she's using as pawns.

"... to their own detriment.". Just how much do you think the OP would suffer for taking her child's siblings away with them for a few days?🤔😂

It doesn’t, no matter how many times you choose to repeat it. The people that are responsible for the children are the parents of said children, of which OP is neither. You don’t have to like it, and funnily enough no one requires your approval.

OP at no point agreed to assume responsibility for his children by taking them on holiday with her while he stayed at home. She agreed to a family holiday. Now their father is no longer going, they’re not going either. That’s entirely on their father.

She doesn’t want to do it, and isn’t going to. No need to find out ☺️

Have a read through your post again, particularly through the lens of your first paragraph, and imagine I had written the same words to you. Do you recognise how silly you sound? I'll leave you to chase your tail, and hope you don't get too dizzy...

This is a real difficult one. I am not surprised there are 22 pages of responses which I confess I didn’t read. Blended families and holidays create the most difficult situations. Your H is taking a lend of you. Regardless of who paid for the holiday, how it was funded or the ages of the children. You are not being unreasonable for being really annoyed for several reasons. Think carefully about your draft plan to go on the holiday with only the DC not the DSC. Only you can decide if you’re comfortable going on the holiday with both children. Much spends on your relationship with DSC. Your marriage is in trouble. But act with grace and dignity. Do not burn bridges over just one holiday. If you do go and take both kids make it clear to H that this makes it not a holiday for you. then schedule a ‘make up’ trip by yourself or with friends and leave him with the two kids. In other words one favour deserves another.

I wouldn't have taken my own two children on holiday by myself when they were that age. If it was me, I would cancel the whole thing and reschedule it to a time that he could commit to. I think that he wants that time to himself - for whatever reason!

I think it is a bit unfair on the step children for you to still go with your child but not them. If they live with you for 3 days a week, they obviously spend a lot of time with you. Yes, it is your husbands fault, but if he is not going to go, either go with all the children and your mum, or don’t go at all. Don’t punish the SC for their dads behaviour

By pointing out the inconvenient facts of the matter? That can be verified by a quick google of ‘parental responsibility’?

Sure, I’ll take ‘silly’ alongside ‘selfish’ and ‘vengeful’.