'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

I remember throughout my own childhood my DM made weekly, hour long phonecalls to her own MIL. She would arrange every single card and present for my DF's side of the family too. She was a housewife, with a heck of a lot of time on her hands.

I don't think I've phoned my MIL in almost 10 years of marriage, and I wouldn't know her birthday without checking. She's perfectly nice, but I have enough on my plate to deal with with work and the kids. It sounds cold but if DH doesn't get in touch with her, that's his problem, not mine.

I think expecting a DIL to be the ‘social secretary’ for your son, arranging gifts/ visits/ celebrations is quite old fashioned. If your son wanted a close relationship with his family, he should curate one, not expect somebody to do it on his behalf.
for a number of years I tried to accommodate these jobs, but it was never appreciated by my partner and MIL would pick holes in things. In the end i said no more.
for a few years after my MIL repeatedly complained that she never heard from us or that she never got gifts for birthdays, Christmas etc, but i always used to reflect it back by saying ‘what did DP say when you said that to him?’
she eventually got the hint. My advice is if you want a closer relationship with your son, start a dialogue with him, not moan about your DIL.

I'm not particularly trying to be adversarial but in response:

A) men are probably bad at keeping in touch because society tells them it's fine for the woman in their life to pick this up. They seem fine socially/keeping in touch when it's organising things with their mates/hobbies.

B) by the token that the in laws are wider family now, why is there absolutely zero expectation that men will make any contact with their in laws? I don't think anyone has ever made any pointed comment at their son in law for a lack of stepping up when it comes to comms!

In some relationships, balance is achieved through splitting of tasks, and I can totally see equal relationships where the woman takes on the family comms. But in many (majority) of cases, it's all give on the part of the woman for domestic drudgery, all take by the man. And whilst it's hard to drop cooking/cleaning etc (especially when that might effect kids), can you blame women for pushing back on being the conduit to the in laws?!

And today's superpower my vagina gives is being someone's unpaid secretary. And this attitude among women is our biggest threat to equality.

Exactly how does having a penis impede you in making calls, visiting, testing. Stop with the 1950 bullshit excuses.

All my mothers brothers who didn't marry managed it, they are 80-90 now managed to keep a relationship because they were brought up seeing their dad do it. Honestly I absolutely despair sometimes.

Most women I know already work. Why would you expect a working person to take on yet another job of social secretary/present monitor, just because your son can’t be arsed to do it?!

The problem is your son not your DIL.

No reason why you can't make the effort with her. Compliment the children say she's doing a good job. Compliment her etc. Send a text asking how she is. Send a happy Mother's Day message etc. I would make an effort for a MIL like this but I would not for one who expects me to initiate everything

So, you expect "wife work" from your DIL but don't think your son should have to lift a finger? Why?

I always organised any necessary cards etc. for my side of our family and expected DH to take care of his. With a few incidences of forgetfulness, he normally has. Why would you think that I should have done it?

I do all cards, presents and post regular photos and updates to both family whatsapp chats.

However dh also phones his parents at least twice a week and also shares photos he takes with both families.

@EnterFunnyNameHere I agree with you completely. I used to join my DP on every visit to my In laws until I twigged that he hardly ever came to see my family, since then I join him every 2nd or 3rd visit and feel no guilt whatsoever.
Once again the expecting wives/partners to oversee present buying all comes from when women stayed at home, men went to work and their wives were expected to do all the family stuff. It's amazing really that although people acknowledge, and even expect, women to go to work now they still think women should do all the old, traditional women's work.

I buy birthday cards for mil because I want to and also my husband would forget

I send her pics of my daughter on WhatsApp as she loves to see them and we get on fine .

guess it would different if we didn't get on 🤷🏻‍♀️

No I don't. I expect my daughter to keep in touch with her MIL but she doesn't. I have no control over what she does but can see that it is the current way of doing things. That's all I was asking.

Oh dear, that's a bit harsh...

Why would you be shocked at women not just lying back and taking on even more of a mental load and more responsibilities than they already have.

Their husbands are not their young children and not their responsibility. If the husband doesn’t have the decency to contact HIS family members for any reason including birthdays, anniversaries etc why should it be down to his wife who already has enough on her plate dealing with those responsibilities for her own family and presumably every other job to do with the household and childcare going by the fact that her husband hasn’t got enough about him to have responsibility to contact his own family.

Yes I do.

Harsh but true.

Your view of being shocked that the wife isn’t willing to take on this responsibility is old fashioned and sexist. Should she also greet him at the door wearing an apron and a freshly baked cake?

You shouldn’t be shocked at the fact women won’t accept this responsibility you should be shocked at the poor excuses of men who find it acceptable not to have a proper relationship with their families.

This is called ‘kin keeping’ and is one of the many thousands of ways women have historically been expected to mop up behind lazy, entitled men who can’t be arsed. Such expectations are sexist, and yes, many of us have decided that we will no longer be responsible for men’s bad behavior. Why on earth should women be responsible for their husbands’ relationships with their own parents?! It might have made sense back in the days when women all stayed home and kept house and managed the family correspondence whilst the men did all of the work outside the home, but these days most couples are both doing full time jobs and therefore need to split the home jobs more equally.

I agree with the PP who said you have a son problem, not a DIL problem. If you want a better relationship with your son’s family, I suggest you bring it up with your son. He is the one dropping the ball here, not your DIL.

Harsh but fair tbh.

You have two DC, one of whom values the extended family and makes the effort to keep in touch and the other who doesn't.

Do you think their parents instilled different values in the boy than the girl?

Fair play to your daughter and DIL for not taking on this part of the load.

It is cold.

Put aside the gift buying but not to even know your mil’s birthday.
Or call in 10 years.

Thank God for my lovely dil who will randomly ring for a chat when on a dog walk.
And my ds rings us weekly and does our card and gift buying so dil is not having to do it she just actually likes us can you believe.

A daughter is a daughter all her life. A son is a son until he finds a wife.

OP, why would it be better if it was your DS's laziness and not antipathy from DIL? It really isn't DIL's job to organise visits, contact etc with you. The arrangement between your DD with her PIL is exactly the same. Do you think she should be doing more to facilitate her PIL?
The problem is your DS, not your DiL.

Not in our case.
Our ds is brilliant at keeping in touch with us and dd’s dh loves his family very much and visits them often.

A lot of folk seeing family as a 'chore'.

We have largely done away with presents and cards. Instead we have a family WhatsApp group so anyone can wish anyone a happy birthday of their own volition.

This means, for example, that granny (83, perfectly capable of using a messaging service) gets birthday wishes from grandchildren, SILs, DILs, etc.

Anyone can invite anyone to tea. Or suggest a meet-up. Or share a photo or story. Everyone has autonomy.

A lot of the models mentioned here sound v old fashioned tbh and yes, quite a lot of work. So in response to your point OP, it's not always the 'current' way.

I don't know. Maybe we are an unusual family, but a lot of this binary 'his and hers' stuff sounds quite exhausting tbh. After all, the kids love both sets of grandparents equally, so it's not difficult to follow that lead tbh and facilitate those relationships.

You have a problem with your son, not his wife.

I have never once taken responsibility for cards or gifts for my in laws. I might help my husband choose a gift for his mum. For example, I know she wants a new handbag for her birthday so I’m helping him choose one.

I’m not a mother in law yet, but both my sons have girlfriends. It’s ludicrous to think there’d be any expectation for them to buy me gifts instead of my sons. My sons are kind and thoughtful and take time and effort to buy me gifts they know I’ll like. AND they write lovely stuff in cards.

You sound really old-fashioned, OP.

I actually don't put it all on my DIL, I know my son could care more. All I know is that, when I was a young mum (who worked full time and had the same responsibilities that young working mums have now), I knew that if I didn't do the communication thing with my in laws, it'd just fall apart. I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'.

I used to do all the present buying, organising events, invitations, nudges to call his parents etc for 8 years. They have always been bloody awful to me, and when my baby arrived and they were worse still I dropped the rope completely.

Don’t think they realised it was me doing it all these years and now they blame me that DH has withdrawn. He hasn’t, I have. He was never bloody bothered in the first place.

And if even if they were nice why should I have to organise everything? I also earn more money, work more hours and do FAR more housework and life admin than he.

His granny however is a peach so I do organise things for her because I like her as a person in her own right rather than just an inlaw.