'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

I think this is a traditional wife job that many women won't do and fair enough it should be more equal. We arent the family secretary! Having said that once you have DC I would personally want to encourage a relationship with the grandparents if I liked them and thought they were nice to the DGC. So I would do that if my DH didn't, especially if the grandparents sent gifts, cards and invitations to me as well as the children and treated me well when we met up.

DH is a competent adult. He manages to have a good job, get up on time, cook his dinner, take care of himself like a grown-up. As do I.

If he chooses not to bother to send his mum a birthday card that's on him. He's perfectly capable.

I'm not my husband's social secretary and dogsbody. I sort out cards, presents, phone calls with my side of the family and he his

Found out a couple of years back that my oldest brother phones our mom almost every day. He admits it's when he's about to go into a meeting or something so very limited but it's daily. He's 72 and has been doing this since he first left for uni at about 18.

I on the other hand am the only daughter in the family and would likely go for a 3 or 4 months without contacting my mom. Does that make me evil? Or just different? Frankly it just doesn't occur to me.

My OH wouldn't ever contact my family for any reason, unless if it was something very serious like me being in an accident. Has never happened (knock wood) so we're likely never to know. I did help his mom do Christmas cards and stuff but he was always the contact for other family members if and when anyone bothered to call/write.

Echoing lots of the above I generally deal with my family, DH generally deals with his side.

Exceptions to the rule have been now we have a newborn DH has sent a few pictures directly to my Mum, and I think his Sister and I might find a bit more common ground than we've managed before over the baby.

When it comes to gifts we might have a bit of input each way (my Stepdad likes Whisky and so does DH whereas I haven't a clue so DH might offer advice, and I sometimes make suggestions for teen Nieces on his side) but ultimately responsibility rests with the one whose side of the family it is.

OP may I ask if your DD's lack of contact with her in-laws is down to a wider situation of low contact or is it antipathy from her? Does her DH/partner communicate with his family meaning she's not required to?

Anyhow your first issue should be with your own Son, not your Daughter in Law.

What a load of sexist bollocks.

Men have phones with calendars on. If they can remember work deadlines, or to email a colleague about something, they can keep in touch with their own mum.

most men just aren't all that social and good at keeping in contact with family

Men aren’t inherently worse at this. People let their sons get away with being thoughtless, in a way they don’t with daughters. People need to raise their sons better.

How on earth does remembering a date, buying a card, thinking of an appropriate present, buying the present, wrapping and labelling the present, going to post the present, double-checking the address, etc. for multiple people, take less time that NOT doing all that?

I agree that if there was, for example, a family whatsapp group, then, if you remembered it was MILs birthday, deliberately not posting 'Happy birthday Anna, hope you have a lovely day,' because "it should be DH's responsibility" is a bit petty, but that's not what OP is referring to - she's talking about the whole present and card shebang.

So yes, I think the easiest and most normal way is for both individuals to sort 'their'' side out. Of course if a couple JOINTLY decide between them that 1 person will do all presents/celebration organising - because they enjoy it, or because they then do a fair swap whereby the other person takes on the whole of an equally onerous chore ("I'll do all the family birthday presents, you do all the children's parties") then that's fair enough, but 1 partner doing it because the other can't be bothered or can't see the value in it...how is that fair?

Men seem to find the ability to be "all that social" when it's something they want to do with their own friends. They are mysteriously capable of organising themselves, remembering key dates and observing social norms when their professional reputations are at stake. They fail at these things in their personal lives because a)they are enabled by women who do it all for them, and b) they are socialised to believe that this stuff is women's work. It has to change - and it is changing.

Another one adding that I deal with my family, DH's deals with his (I thought you might be my MIL for a bit). They don't have my phone number so they can't try and get me to organise something if he can't be bothered. I will say that underlying this is the fact that both my DH and I both prefer spending time with my parents though.

My brother is married and is exactly the same. He probably is in touch with our parents more regularly than I am although they see the grandchildren roughly the same amount.

Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever?

Wny Should they take on this burden? Is it a task requiring a vagina?

Your son should be doing it, I don’t do any of that, I mind my own family and Dh sorts his. It works out fine. I am however from a traditional culture and I think MIL is disappointed that I’ve not taken on these duties despite the fact that Dh does them all fine without my help.

I think people would have been slightly weirded out of Dh had taken over all my family organising and calling my sisters and my mum for a chat, taking over buying them birthday presents etc yet his aunt basically started whatsapping me directly instead of talking to him as if that was totally normal. The double standards are enormous.

It's not my job to maintain my husband's relationship with his family. Obviously if I developed my own relationship with them fine, but it's still his family. I manage mine and he manages h

Ffs, sorry.

I don't want double the cards and gifts to buy and occasions to remember.

As others have said I'm not his mum or his PA.

I think more and more women are refusing to take on all the emotional labour for both sides of the family, yes. And really, why shouldn't they?

^

This. I have enough to do

There is an element of that I 100% agree with you.

However I don't believe a woman who loves her husband's family and has a great relationship with them should sacrifice that to make a point to her husband. Everyone loses in that situation.

Yes, it's much more of a shared thing now. Most women now expect their DH or DPs to actually pull their weight and not be another child to care for. It's his responsibility to remember important dates and events for his side of the family. It's his responsibility to arrange and manage the meeting and plans for contact with his family. If your DS is not doing this for you then it is all on him not your DIL.

Most women have enough on working, caring for their family and managing their homes, without having to manage their DH and inlaws too.

You have a DS problem, not a DIL problem. If he is too lazy to manage his children's time so they can have regular contact with you then you need to take it up with him.

Lot of weird relationships we do cards pressies together. What happened to being a couple sharing? If both get on with both sets of in-laws why not? Obviously if relationship with in-laws is bad that’s different. Then would expect the other half to sort it out. Maybe I’m just very lucky with my daughters in laws and my sons. They all keep in touch.

Stop excusing lazy men.

Absolutely.
I'm in my 50s and when I got married, it was made clear that DH was responsible for keeping up communications and making arrangements with his side of the family.
I get on very well with them and do spend time with them of my own volition but birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and the relevant arrangements are for him to sort out.

This.
DH rings his parents on Sunday nights and might occasionally email him something of local (we live close to FiL's hometown, my PiL live 150 miles away). They are all happy with this level of comms. My PiL do not use mobile phones or social media. My PiL have also requested no presents. They much prefer a visit for ducal occasions - fortuitously they both have birthdays in school holidays!!

I'm in touch with DM most days via various WasApp groups, text etc, and see her a few times a week but she only lives up the road. She also lives alone. My PiL are much more insular.

oh god. I arrange everything on behalf of my manchild ex as he uses his mental health issues as a reason not to do anything ever. Sadly his elderly mother who lives abroad would never receive anything from him or our DD if I didn't. It drives me potty but I care more about her happiness than I do about doing it - nothing will change if I stop doing it and he won't magically start doing it. WTF is wrong with men.

The question for you, is why does your daughter keep in touch with you regularly, but your son, not? What is the difference - is it down to different expectations from you when they were growing up? Or something else?

I used to do cards for both of us. And then I stopped. Now my husband‘s family barely get cards. When we meet up with them, and they are lovely, I say that he is now in charge and if they don’t get cards, it is down to him. They take it in good humour. I have a son and daughter at University. Both are excellent at keeping in touch. I would be really surprised if my son loses contact with me as we are very close.

Don’t you dare blame your daughter-in-law OP

My partner keeps in touch with his side of the family. Or he doesn’t. I don’t really know actually unless I’m involved in it, eg in a party or something. Not my responsibility.

I don’t ‘do’ DH’s side of the family. I have enough of my own -parents, grand parents, 3 siblings, 7 DN/DN partners etc

DH has DDad, Dsis and 1 nephew.

Cant physically do it all.

Have to say the visits stopped when I insisted DH sort bedding and clean the spare room before visits and sort out food shops etc - I was run ragged with his ‘plans’

Funny that.