'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Why not just let it drop? I certainly stopped doing all of the family Christmas cards years ago. It was wife work. There were dozens of them, mostly DH's family and it took forever. It was a horrendous chore.

DH swore blind that he would definitely do his side of the family if I stopped. So I stopped putting myself through it years ago. He has never sent any.

All I send now are cards to my mother and sister as they are the only close family on my side. DH has ambitions to send them to his very much larger wider family but never has. Completely up to him.

"Hi son. I'd really like us to have a weekly catch up call where I can hear what's going on with you and the kids. When is good for you?"

"Son, it upsets me that you don't remember my birthday. It makes me feel like you don't care. I'd appreciate a card next year."

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing…

But why are their men useless at this sort of thing? There’s really no excuse and often the useless blokes are enabled by a silly woman picking up all the shite.

If my husband elected to be useless and thoughtless to his lovely mum, he could crack on. I wouldn’t be trying to cover it up.

My MIL thought that keeping in touch, remembering birthdays etc would be my job.

She'd already got one DIL who did absolutely none of this, so why she thought I would is a mystery.

Anyway I didn't do it, some birthdays were forgotten and it was clearly my fault so for Christmas she gave me a 'Birthday Book' so I could write all the birthdays in and remember.

This was a major mistake on her part as I went from 'not that keen' to raging hatred of her.

Time mellows things so 10 years on, if I am buying my DM flowers for Mother's Day, I'll book flowers for MIL too. She hasn't really admitted that I do it rather than her beloved son, but the fact remains the flowers didn't turn up until he got married.

I blame both his parents, not just MIL. It's definitely up to Dads to model to their sons that you phone your mum once a week and remember family birthdays.

It's down to the son though, not the DIL.

I love my MIL to bits, she's a wonderful grandmother to my DC, raised a great son, a very supportive MIL to me.

She's not my mum though. I'm very close to my mum, talking to her is talking to my closest friend. Remembering her birthday is easy because I've known it forever.

I'll poke DH to order something for MIL and to make sure we see her, but he can do the actual work, I do enough.

OP the problem with your generation is that lots of women burnt out with the "mental load". I can't have a career, take care of my kids, take care of my wellbeing, while also taking responsibility for another family.

I have witnessed my mother crumble under the pressure after working 50 hour weeks, doing everything at home on top and being blamed for everything by her in laws. I want none of that in my life.

I really like my in laws, and my contact with them is minimal. DH is in charge of organizing everything with his side. DH never organizes anything with mine. I never organize anything with his.

No, you need to open your mouth and speak to your son about it.

Harsh but fair. Your DD and DIL are likely on here where they are told daily to cut the in law family out of their lives, not invite them to things and families are split into ‘his and hers’

In my reality though every guy close to me including my partner and brother have been brought up to know that all family is important, not just the wives family, so relationships have continued after marriage. In laws all get on together and nobody is shut out

So a lot of it is down to upbringing and also your DS not having a backbone to speak up if his wife is trying to cut your family out

It is definitely a thing that a lot of us are refusing to take on that role now, so much more likely to be your son’s laziness. It really is nothing to do with how we feel about our in laws, I adore mine but most of us are overwhelmed as it is with the mental labour of just ensuring our kids have what they need on top of careers etc and it feels unfair this is loaded on us too. Obviously it would be different if our DPs were actually unable to for whatever reason due to disability etc

@TheolderIgetthelessIknow I'm completely with you, OP. This new trend of shunning the in-laws because "why shouldn't we?!" is just cold. They've joined a family so be prepared to be an active part of it!

Not my problem. If her own son can't be bothered to make sure she doesn't miss out I don't have the energy to pick up the peices. I'm trying to hold down a career, keep the house going, look after my own parents and not burn out.

What..like their son is?

She could always get in touch with her son and arrange to visit/see grandchildren etc?

She also needs to see that society has changed and women who are bringing up DC are often also working full time, probably also doing most of the work at home and even if they're not, doing their partner's share of life admin is way down their to do list.

There's a book about this that you might like to read OP

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729/ref=sr_1_1?crid=R2PI7Z43KHLL&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.XypkMfibhefxuXh0zkuvP9cwtaMvD1IxpV1iSN4BKdI.UEF4o9_SROnvmOLlh11IBpnaINvEuiNJJaHlldPbDuI&dib_tag=se&keywords=wifework&qid=1718042643&s=digital-text&sprefix=wifework+%2Cdigital-text%2C91&sr=1-1

How nasty and utterly uncalled for

But you're still expecting another person to make your son maintain your relationship. It's not fair and it's insulting. It's not her job!

I'm sorry your son is so shit but it's on him and him alone. You could talk to him and tell him how you feel. You and him alone can resolve this.

Letting men get away with the bullshit argument that they're not good at keeping in touch or buying gifts is ridiculous.

These blokes are able to have jobs, pay bills, run their lives in other ways so they should be able to send a message or buy a card.

If my husband asked for help choosing a gift for his mum, of course I'd help but I'm not responsible for reminding, cajoling and doing all the work.

Eh no we married a man not the bloody family. It isn't a cult

Allowing a man to perform basic tasks in a normal, day to day manner is not 'shunning'. If a man doesn't care about people enough to stay in contact and buy gifts, that's between him and them.
Hopefully most men are no longer raised to be sexist slobs, and actually function as people who participate in families. 🤷🏼‍♀️
@EnglishBluebell does your husband buy cards and gifts for your relatives?

It depends really. I have a big family, all with children of their own and my parents are still going strong. DH just has DM, DSis and DN but I still get messages informing me of plans for birthdays, Christmas etc etc. We both work the same amount of hours so it's not like I have time to handle more than he does. I'm happy to participate but I'm not responsible for maintaining the family ties for him aswell as the 15-20 on my side. It's only 3 people and tbh he could do better.

Of course I remember to message them on birthdays, Mother's Day, send pics of the DCs doing cute things but I've made it clear to DH any plans or logistics sent my way will be forwarded to him. I do enough of the life admin, I don't have the bandwidth for picking up his slack. I feel like DMIL does expect more from me but that's 100% DHs fault. You can be guaranteed my family expect 0 from him.

men are shlt. They love an easy life and anything they can get away with loading onto a female partner they will. My stepkids wouldn’t get a single present on their birthdays or Christmas unless I sorted it out.
as a parent in law woe betide you if your DiL dislikes you.

Well it's probably because rather than them "knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing", they actually know "their men" are totally capable of "this sort of thing" but choose not to bother with it. So it's not that your son is incapable of keeping in touch, it's that he can't be bothered. Sure, there are rare cases where people genuinely struggle with this stuff, but that's more ND vs NT than man vs woman, and a totally different situation. In those cases, those affected also struggle organising get togethers with mates, going to the pub, or attending their 5 a side footy league. You don't have to look very far on MN to see men's inability to do "this sort of thing" doesn't typically extend to things they actually want to do.

If you have an issue with being left out, you need to raise it with your son and put the clear expectation on him. Have a conversation that your hurt, and want to be more involved, and get him to resolve it. Reach out to him directly and regularly to ask for updates or whatever. Make it clear you expect him to maintain a relationship with you.

I'm just perplexed that women, knowing that their men are absolutely useless at this sort of thing, would deliberately let relationships suffer for the sake of 'it's not my responsibility'.

Stop blaming women for men's failures.

Yet I’m yet to see any in laws blaming their son in law for a lack of effort, funny how it’s okay when a son in law doesn’t bother.

My husband remembers the cards for both sides of the family. He's got a much better memory for dates than I have. Sometimes I buy them, sometimes he does. We're one family, after all. We both sign all family cards.

How many men do you think are buying cards for their MIL's birthday? They've also married into a family.

My DH is one of the good ones and I doubt he could tell you the month of my mother's birthday.

@curious79 that sucks that your man is indeed shit. Are you not repulsed by him? I would not go near such a terrible person.