'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

Things make a difference, so my son has 3 kids and there's him and his wife, they live about 300 miles away and my husband is pushing 80 and disabled so we don't always, or even mainly see them face to face for birthdays certainly not all 5 every year. They always spend Christmas with her family so never see them for handover of presents then. I think a message becomes more important then.

Quite surprised and cheered to see the internalised misogyny martyrs are definitely in the minority (I know it's MN and posters here generally more attuned to this stuff but still). And at least one woman saved from an unthinking thankless task, hurrah.

Don’t you see them as your nieces and nephews as well? Even though only by marriage.

i think this thread is sad… while I agree it’s not a woman’s ‘role’, we are talking fellow humans here..
When I met my first long term partner he barely talked to his mum, I encouraged him to move on and to speak to his mother, I found his parents somewhat difficult … not nasty at all but just opinionated - dysfunctional too.. he was one of 3 children and non spoke to one another, one never spoke to either parent either, one spoke to both parents and my then bf spoke to his dad but ignored his mum even though he lived in the house with them… when we first dated he’d walk in passed his mum and go up stairs or in the lounge and ignore her… I called him out for being rude and said I wouldn’t be ignoring his mum or sister and I used to chat to them while he got changed etc… his relationship with his mum did thankfully improve and after we bought a house together they’d visit us and we visited them reasonably regularly! I find it odd that women in here say they don’t even know their in-laws birthday or that their in-laws don’t have their numbers… I STILL remember my first partners parents birthdays 21 years after we separated… it astounds me that anyone wouldn’t know their in laws birthdays! I’m not saying women or men should do all the admin but why so far detached? I still sent Christmas cards for a year or 2 after we split, and sent his mum a card when his dad died probably 10 years after we split! Not because it’s my ‘role’ as a woman, but because for a few years they were a big part of my life.

My next serious relationship was my DH (now separated) …again his family and I didn’t have the best relationship… he couldn’t be bothered to keep in touch with his family at all, only called his mam when he was drunk… If it was down to my exH non of his family would’ve ever got cards, as I was now part of the family and they sent cards to me and DD I bought and sent back!
I wonder if all these women saying it’s not their family and not their problem would be happy to not get cards or presents from their inlaws … if your children didn’t get anything….. if you all got written out of MIL’s will because you hadn’t bothered when she was alive… I wonder!

Yes a phone call where your thanked or a text message would be appropriate. Again though some couples might text one for all.

“Hey mum/dad… Thanks for the lovely gifts. Wife loved her scarf, Tommy loves his train set, biancas not put her teddy down 🤣 and well little Bobby has created a storm of art work with those pens. That whisky is good might have to send dad a bottle. Hope you guys had a great Christmas, kids are all nackered now it’s been a long busy day, will call for a chat tomorrow”

No the PP but no I don’t consider dh’s nephew’s mine. I do a bit of wife work though, Im a bargain hunter so if I see something I know they like and it’s near their birthday/christmas I will buy it and shove it away. Its then Dh’s job to make sure it gets to them

If he doesn’t bother then it ends up being a random party invite gift or stuck on eBay eventually. I don’t see his family without him so I’d never be able to just take it round (don’t drive).

Funny how many people see their inlaws money when inherited by their DH as joint money though!!

How do you feel about Moonpig? You can order a card with a typed message in it, to be delivered straight to the recipient.

Neither of them would be hand writing or signing that card.

My DD "signs" cards on her own now. But either DH or I write them and sign from everyone. We are really busy with work, family, other commitments etc and so its much easier to write "love from Ipsy, DH & DD" and have DD scribble then shove it in an envelope and take it with me to post on the way to nursery and work, than to write half of that and get it in front of DH as well. DH usually writes them as he's rushing around to go wherever it is that requires the card, so he'll write "love from DH, Ipsy and DD", get DD to scrawl if she's around and then disappear.

You're putting way too much on which handwriting you see in a card.

DH & I are by no means wealthy. The money we do have is 'our' money which includes both our inheritance. We don't agree with 'my money' 'your money' in our marriage and would never refer to it as such.

A text might sound more like it is from both but he phones so it does seem like he is thanking me/acknowledging the present even if he says she likes the present I don't feel like that means much because he wouldn't say she hated it.

As I said before I don't think she should do the communication for him, I do think she should do it for her.

That is just a small part of it, you have to add them up to understand. My point is all the "it's his job to contact his family, nothing to do with wife" is ignoring the point that if there is any relationship with DIL and PIL and she accepts presents/financial help/childcare or whatever she should acknowledge that and not leave it all up to him.

I have bought Moonpig cards for people, a special card for a special occasion with something personal, but I get them sent to me and I sign them and post them.

I actually think the yougsters with a text or Whatsapp message is better than getting someone else to type a card and send it.

My dh doesn’t even have the phone numbers of my family 😂 nor does my mum have his.

So he couldn't call your family if anything happened to you & your mum couldn't call him if anything happened to you when in her company. That's awful.

She has my kids numbers and they have hers. So they could get each others numbers if needed in an emergency. If she was with me his my ice contact without needing to unlock my phone. If I was with him he can unlock my phone and get her number. It’s just never been a thing that’s come up tbh. His never needed her number and nor has she his.

They have no relationship outside of me or the children though. His not going to ring her up to say ask babysit just as I wouldn’t ring his mum to ask for a baby sitter. Just as he wouldn’t go to hers for a cup of tea without me and I wouldn’t just call in at his mums on my own either.

Jeez
Yes. It's not my responsibility to keep in touch with my MIL or DH siblings....much as I like them it's hard enough keeping up with my family.
Women are overloaded with this kind of expectation- whereas men are not which is why they are far more relaxed and have time for "hobbies"

I think you're misunderstanding people to be honest.

I maintain my own relationship with my in laws, and I do that how works best for me with them. But it's not my job to make my husband contact them. It's not my job to make him remember the important dates. It's not my job to go out and buy things for him to give them. If he wants to buy a card and write it, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. If he wants to call his dad, or pop round to see his mum, he will. If he doesn't, I can't make him. And I haven't got the mental capacity to spare to be checking whether he's done that. His relationship with his mother is just that, his.

It was a big anniversary recently and they wanted to go out for a meal, no party. He had a group chat with his siblings regarding their gift, timings etc. I casually asked the day before who was bringing the cake. They hadn't thought about it. He asked me to sort it and I did. But they knew it was me (cake is always me). I wouldn't see them without the simple pleasure of a celebration cake. But there's three of them. Why was it my job?

Editing to add that if he's remembered but is busy and asks for help, I obviously will. But I have my own family, our family, my own job, our household, him and a million other things to remember. He can remember to call his mother and when it's a family members birthday.

We're married. All money is our money. He gratefully received a contribution to our house deposit from mine. I will gratefully receive any inheritance from his. And he will gratefully receive any inheritance from mine.

But surely no one ever names their DIL or SIL in their will, or if so it must be very rare. If my husband died before me I would expect my children to inherit from my in laws.

Yeah, some modern families appear to operate along the old Union lines - clear demarcation lines.🙄

Don't touch it unless it’s your job sort of thing.

Weird - family are just that.🤷‍♀️

I do agree up to a point. In fact I have pointed this out to DH when trying to get him to remember mothers day etc. MiL actually calls him to remind him to send cards to other relatives. She used to send me reminders to remind him as well.

I do though still sometimes feel that all the card sending and gift giving is just work that women make for themselves and then get offended unnecessarily when others don't want to reciprocate.

Yeah, those lines of demarcation dependent on whether you have a Y chromosome or not that so many families used to run on were clearly much better.

Yeah, those lines of demarcation dependent on whether you have a Y chromosome or not that so many families used to run on were clearly much better

Right? In good old days, if your son forgot your birthday, it was clear that it was his wife's fault for not reminding him, or sending a gift and card on behalf of him. So much simpler.

To be fair, if I ever find myself in the situation where DS doesn’t visit me, talk to me or mark my birthday in any way but my DIL does run around trying to maintain a relationship with me in the face of his complete indifference, I’ll be changing the will to cut him out and write her in…

I know my situation isn’t the norm. My in-laws are incredibly toxic and have been disrespectful and abusive to me from the beginning of my relationship with my DH. In the early years of our marriage, I still tried for a relationship with them. I thought if I could be kind enough and respectful enough, they would treat me well. I bought presents, cards, etc…. I put a lot of thought and effort into it.

My DH did what he could to stand up for me and protect me, but we were both young and easily manipulated. My in-laws could even use gifts to hurt me. Every gift they ever gave me was purposely chosen to offend or belittle me in some way.

After our first child was born, I had enough. I completely dropped the rope with them and told me DH that all contact was to go through him. I don’t accept gifts from them. I don’t open cards from them. If they send things, it is up to my DH to deal with it. I don’t even want to know about it. If they send things to the kids, my DH arranges for the kids to thank them. The most I do is sign my name on a Christmas card. We also only see them every few years and not for holidays or birthdays. I don’t remember when any of their birthdays are anymore. I don’t have any of their contact information anymore and it’s possible that they are even blocked.

Everyone has a different tolerance for things. Some wouldn’t have tried for as long as I did. Some would be able to ignore and detach enough to continue a relationship. I’m thankful that it is now socially acceptable for me to protect my wellbeing and mental health by refusing to engage. Anyone’s level of communication with their in-laws is a personal decision. I’m just thankful that the people whose opinions I actually care about don’t judge me for not being a “good DIL”.

That's DH's choice. My name isn't in their will. We don't even know i his name is in the will. In any case, we expect to inherit nothing from my parents but I send them gifts for every occasion. Might be because they didn't become increasingly abusive over the years to the point I decided I just couldn't do it anymore.