'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

YANBU to expect it from your son. YABU to expect it from your DIL when your own son can’t be bothered.

This. You have a DS problem, not a DIL one

So your daughter doesn’t keep in touch with her in laws but you expect your DIL to keep in touch with you, even though your own son clearly can’t be bothered?

I think more and more women are refusing to take on all the emotional labour for both sides of the family, yes. And really, why shouldn't they? It's usual for both parents to work and be equally busy. It's very outdated for women to be responsible for all the wife work, and if a man is old enough to have his own children, why can't he do his fair share of the family admin? Your beef should be with your son, not his wife.

We have this set up, my husband is a grown up and I'm not his mum, he buys his family gifts and cards and I buy mine.

It's not my responsibility in the same way I wouldn't expect him to buy my mum a birthday card, we do have all birthdays in a shared calendar and I remind him near the time in case he misses, sometimes he still forgets but that's on him

You should have raised your son better.

I would imagine efforts go both ways. If you’ve been generous with time and efforts, have they been ignored? Usually energy and time balances itself out in the end - but someone has to start the process. Maybe you have not been as active as you think??

It is 100% the son’s responsibility to keep up contact with his family. It is not apathy on the part of DIL. It is simply refusing to be the only person managing the family. Men are perfectly capable of remembering birthdays, of making phone calls, and if arranging Sunday lunches. It’s a natural split to each manage your own family.

that many men fail at this task is a reflection of the men and possibly the people who raised them, not their wive’s.

I think the question you meant to ask was: "Why is my son refusing to take on the burden of keeping me up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever?"

It's nothing to do with your DIL. Your son cannot be bothered. You need to ask him about it.

I've always assumed that my husband would be the one mostly communicating with his parents and siblings and me with my own. He would arrange gifts for his side (except they don't really do gifts) and I would arrange them for my side. I almost never have direct contact with his side or he with mine, but participate in family WA groups, say hello in group phone calls etc. I've not seen that as "refusing" to do anything. It just seems normal to me and he was just as capable of giving them updates on the kids etc (when they were younger).

Maybe it would be different if his family lived locally and we naturally formed a closer relationship, but they live in a different country and their first language is not English (though their English is very good).

Absolutely. I send presents to my sisters children on their birthdays, and my sisters and my parents, I do their mothers and Father’s Day cards and presents, I send Christmas cards to my extended family and friends, I get DH to sign these cards.
I do not send presents and cards to his sisters children, his mum, his sister, his wider friends and family. Why would I?
As a result, yes, we are closer to my side of the family because he often forgets to send cards and presents or just doesn’t bother. This is not my fault, it’s his.
Im nearly 50 btw. Not young.

It appears your ds is a bit of a man child.

I'd imagine it is down to your son's laziness in all honesty! Maintaining multiple family relationships takes time, effort and patience - women often take this on to the point it becomes a burden, now recently a lot of "wife work" like maintaining relationships with the PIL has been handed to the DHs of the world, who then seem to let it slip quite quickly from what I've seen.

Honestly your son should be putting similar effort in to see you guys as his wife does to see her parents. You mention you see lots of your daughter and her family - and that she has virtually no contact with PIL. You're just seeing the opposite side of that with your son!

You openly say your own daughter doesn't have contact or minimal with her in-laws but then expect your DIL to ensure your son has contact with you. You want the same type of relationship with your son - you fix it.

I know my mother and grandmother did do all the keeping in touch and card and flowers sending etc.
But for god's sake in this day and age when most women also work full time surely the man can phone his own mother and make plans for his own side of the family??
To reassure you my MIL also has a lazy son and a DIL who refuses to take on the burden.
Deal with your son!

Are you my MIL btw????

It’s your son’s job to manage his family’s relationship with his parents NOT his wife’s .

In modern families wives do not take on all the ‘wife work’ and expect the husband to pull his weight.

I love my MIL but was quite irritated that she was unhappy not to have received birthday cards expecially when she usually travels and expects her card to be sent 2 weeks early. That is her son’s job. My mum would have her card waiting on her return or a lovely phone call on the actual day….

Lovely people on here😅- the type who yes, would most definitely comment on posts and say ‘you don’t like your mil? Where does your dh stand, they should be backing you!’ I’ve seen it in family before, dil and mil aren’t close so everything is done with the other side of the family. It could be either, it’s as likely to be your son and probably more so, you need to invite him- chat to him, let him know and get to know her better too!

How did your son get to be this lazy - following in his father's footsteps? As a child, didn't the two of you nudge him to think about mother's/father's day presents, birthday presents, the lot? Any way his childhood experience differed from his sister's?

My DH was responsible for communicating with his family before we met and I saw no reason to change that after we met in our late 20s. Why would I take on that work? It's up to him to deal with his family.

I did the wife work for quite some years despite contributing 50% to all the bills and working full time. Got to a point early 40s where I said to DH, no more. You buy your mum her gifts, same for your dad and your nieces and nephews.

He rarely bothers. Not my problem but goodness it freed up a lot of my mental time and energy.

Same with Christmas, no cards to his side. Up to him.

So you seem to be saying that because generally men don't do this (ie your son) that his wife/girlfriend should pick it up?

Why? Because you think it's a woman's job? Because women are 'better' this stuff?

It's amazing that men can hold down jobs, do their hobbies, organise boys golf weekends etc but evidently remembering their own parents birthdays or organising a family gathering is sooo difficult! More like they can't be bothered, or maybe they think it's beneath them?

I've never done this stuff for my DH, they are his family, he knows when their birthdays are and what they like etc. The fact that he's not once sent a card or gift is a poor reflection on him as a person. Your son is the one you should be speaking to if you are unhappy.

My MIL doesn't get it either. She believes men should do nothing beyond their paid jobs, and has taken me aside in the past to ask me what I am doing about DH's salt intake. It's a completely different mindset.

Blimey, some harsh replies here.

I am all for not taking on the mental load, but I actually like my in-laws as people and as friends, so I am very happy to send birthday cards, Whatsapp and communicate with them, just as I would with my mates or my own family. (That doesn't mean I take on all responsibility - the one thing I leave entirely to DH is the mother's day card.)

I think it would take more effort for me to deliberately NOT acknowledge a birthday or an event in my ILs life. It's totally natural to ping a message or an invite. But I do it in tandem with DH - he also is communicative with his family (and mine actually).

It sounds exhausting to divide up the chat in 'his and hers' like this.

You've bought your son up to be lazy and unthinking about what matters to you.

My brothers are the ones who communicate with their siblings especially their younger ones like me.

When my parents were alive they would buy them presents not their wives. The few presents and cards my brothers wives chose my parents could tell. There as if I or one of my sisters was involved it wasn't so obvious.

My DP deals with his family and close friends. I may suggest something if he's stuck but he buys it and vice versa.

Christ this is depressing.