'Dad's side of the family'...is it really a thing?

[TheolderIgetthelessIknow]

I read recently, not on Mumsnet but somewhere similar, a young woman stating categorically that she would not take on responsibility for communication (such as making arrangements, sending birthday gifts, etc.) to her husband's side of the family. I was a little shocked to see in the comments that most of the respondents wholeheartedly agreed with her, even if it meant that communication with that side of the family dwindled to nothing, assuming that many men are not that bothered about keeping in touch or even remembering birthdays, etc. I'm an older woman with a daughter and a son, both married. My daughter keeps in daily contact with me but has virtually no contact with her PIL. As a result, I see a lot of her children and know what's happening in their lives. My son, on the other hand, literally only gets in touch when he wants something -usually money- and I never hear from my DIL at all. I only see their children when I visit them (self-invited); they hardly ever visit me and my DH although I've invited them lots of times ( they're always 'busy', often with DIL's side of the family) and said that they can come whenever they want to. Birthdays, mothers/fathers days and Christmas are a bit hit and miss regarding presents and cards from them, although I always visit with cards and gifts for them.
So, my query is: am I being unreasonable to expect at least some sort of regular input from them, regarding the children at least? Is it definitely a thing that young mums now refuse to take on the burden of keeping their MIL up to date and maybe sending birthday cards or whatever? It might make me feel a bit better if I know it's just my son's laziness (not that that's any excuse) rather than antipathy from my DIL.

I think times have just changed. I've been with my DH 18 years, early on there seemed an expectation that I would do everything on behalf of the family including my MIL giving me details of his doctor and dentist so that I could make appointments for him. I've now given him back the responsibilities - I buy the Christmas presents for his parents and sister when I'm getting the rest (always vague things as they never want anything specific), but he speaks to them about visiting for weekends, childcare etc. MIL sometimes rings me when she thinks he will forget to tell me, if it's important. It's not that I have a bad relationship with PIL but I feel that as they're his parents he should do his share. Same goes for his dentist and barber appointments, he's an adult

No some people have made it very clear that they won't be in contact with ILs in their own right. If you actually look at what I've said from my first post is the son should be doing these things with his family but DIL who takes and gives nothing back (in time or social interaction) should also have the good manners to acknowledge ILs who buy her gifts and possibly offer other support to her and her husband. Both extremes are wrong.

I count myself as one of the “not doing your family” team and I’m quite happy with that.
if my husband wants a relationship with his family, he will maintain it. However I have an awesome relationship with my in-laws who are lovely people and quite often I phone my FIL for advice anyway. I draw the line at remembering birthdays/anniversaries and so on, as I have enough to deal with remembering my family’s side of things. Occasionally I will buy stuff like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day as they are celebrations on the same day and usually there’s a 3 for 4 offer on cards anyway. But mostly it’s Down to my husband. He has the ability to do it, same as me.
Sounds to me like your son is the problem, your DIL doesn’t need/want “another mum” and is refusing to do your sons emotional labour. Which is exactly what should be happening, if you’re not happy talk to HIM, blame HIM not your DIL.

Hey 50 is the new 30 lol x

Yes and my point is why would a woman refuse to send cards to family she’s going to inherit from.

Why would a man refuse to send cards to his family that he's going to inherit from?

I’m of the “Dh can do his own admin, I’m not a secretary and he’s not a baby” tribe but yeah if a grandparent gives something to my DD I would thank them individually.

"My point is all the "it's his job to contact his family, nothing to do with wife" is ignoring the point that if there is any relationship with DIL and PIL and she accepts presents/financial help/childcare or whatever she should acknowledge that and not leave it all up to him."

And do you expect Son in Laws, who tend to benefit extensively from childcare from their in laws plus financial help and presents, to acknowledge that and take charge of the relationship with their wives parents?

If my MIL buys presents and I am there I will of course say thank you. If its a remote gift OH messages on everyone's behalf.
I am not the sole spokesperson for OUR children. I am not uniquely responsible for their manners.

DH is a very good dad. He quite rightly (usually) takes equal responsibility for the kids and all their admin. It took MIL a long time to work this out. She would speak to OH on the phone most days, then for some reason message me at work..."are kids free this weekend?" "What size are children/what do they want for xmas" And I would discuss with OH when I got home and he would reply or tell her next time they spoke- ...eventually she realised he was equally capable of answering as me, and no more busy and started just asking him.

In fact OH and teenagers are on a family WhatsApp with his side of the family.

I don't approach relationships from the pov of inheritance. In any case, I won't be inheriting a thing, DH might, but he might not. I'm interested in a good relationship while someone is alive and whether I inherit or not doesn't factor in. Or do you think it's okay to treat someone badly and bully them for decades because you might throw a bit of money at them after you're gone?

So if your MIL sends you a birthday present your husband replies on everyone's behalf?

No, but she wouldn't.
She would give it me in person and I would thank her there and then, obviously.
When the rest of his side of the family post gifts to the children he sends thanks....not me.

So your MIL sends remote presents to your children but you always get yours in person?

Sometimes she insists on dropping the children's presents off in advance and us hiding them. The rest of his family are not local....but they only send presents and cards to the children.
Is that OK with you?
Very strange thing to interrogate me on.

My DD used to buy my DM, her Mum and sister flowers every Friday on his way from work. When he died we were still kids so my DM and her sister took turns to buy the four lots of flowers even though money was tight. When my mum passed my DA continued the tradition and when she passed my DH took over task of buying me my DG and DA flowers and has continued this for 42 yrs. I never asked him he just did it, he also started to buy his own DM when he took it over.